Thanks for all the responses guys. The stick isn't broken, it just seems useless. When I pull it out there's almost always ATF well over a foot up the stick. It doesn't seem possible that it could be overfilled that much. It's not fully coating the stick up that far, generally there's a bunch of fluid on one side or some such. I dunno. I know reading dipsticks is usually a bit of an interpretative dance but I've never seen one that's as weird as this one is.

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2010 Mercedes E350 4Matic - 77k miles
1986.5 Nissan D21 V6 4x4 - 276k miles
1987 Mercedes 190D 2.5 Turbo - 3??k miles
1983 Mercedes 300SD turbo parts car
2017 Honda CBR500R - 15k miles
2016 Suzuki GSX S1000 - 9k miles