Tool Humor for by diesel friends
 

Okay, probably more general discussion than anything, but I've seen this a few times and think that you guys understand it more than most:

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON-OF-A-*****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

Engine hoist, belt sander, hydraulic Jack....yep.

Ever work on a car with hydraulic suspension and after you replace a strut but forget to turn on the car to pressurize the strut, so the car falls down and sits on the jack...And every other tool underneath the car?

No? Just me? :P

lol, thanks

MIG WELDER - used to make rust holes even bigger

HYDRAULIC PRESS - used to really jam in bearing races at weird angles

6 POINT SOCKET - designed to make hexagons round! (I know this will upset some of you but you know it is true)

IMPACT GUN - mostly used by "professionals" who have no concept of yield point

Wire stripper: Used to cut thru wire. Also, sometimes used to remove too much insulation from wires to facilitate shorts in wiring.

Wire crimper: Used to install connectors on wiring so that the connector and wire will disconnect if placed under strain.

Dan

Minor edit to Stretch's contribution
 

(Canadian usage)

IMPACT GUN - Intimidatingly loud tool supplied by shops to all under-trained staff. Primarily used to frighten customers, to ensure they do not venture into shop area. Late in the day, may also be used to drown out customers' verbal inquiries about their bill.

In the province of Quebec, by law must always be set to appropriate torque value for bolting drive screws to oceangoing freighters.

World wide problem - world wide ignorance.

Breaker bar. A long handled tool used to appropriately Break parts, knuckles,noses,any nearby irreplaceable lenses, and, when used on Honda axle nuts... Itself.

Ratchet wrench... A tool that will be completely useless when needed most. Known to automatically reverse itself and perform the opposite task intended at the most frustrating times. Also makes a fantastic tool for testing the shatter point of most windshields. Fits well into the "son of a *****" catagory.

Bench grinder. The perfect tool for rendering flat blade " standard" screwdrivers, drill bits, chisels and any other important tool useless and perfect for heating them to beyond comfortable levels adding to the "son of a *****" pile.

Everyone here's favorite...

Allen head socket tools. The perfect tool to smooth the capscrew hexagon into a nearly perfect circle.

Side grinder. Nearly as quick as the belt sander at ruining projects.

Jack - an essential tool for locating objects you left under the car, as they crunch the rocker panels or floor-boards as you lower the car onto them.

Slotted screwdriver-the one your helper didn't hand to you.

Helper-The guy who shoots questions at a rate of 10K/hr.

Lawn mower-the machine used to find you tools after your son works on his bike.

LHT-The type on the stud you just rung off.