Painting
 

Painting
A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?"

The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch." The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside.

A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Mercedes."

New Mercedes
 

New Mercedes
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.

Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told him "When I buy a $80,000 car I expect the *?@ radio to work."


The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.

He got back into the car and said, "country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll", he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator.

He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road.

"Stupid rednecks!" he screamed.

The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"

Mercedes for $150
 

Mercedes for $150
A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 2003 Mercedes Benz SL 55 AMG, silver metallic, loaded with options. Will sell for $150.00.

She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in absolutely perfect condition.

She asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?"

"Well," she said, "it's my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: 'In Miami. Need money. Sell car.'"

Raining
 

Raining
Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Mercedes Star on Taxi
 

Mercedes Star on Taxi
A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for. The driver replied "why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

"Ah I see", said the man.

With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"

Mercedes Star
 

Mercedes Star
The CEO of the luxury car maker Mercedes Benz was proud of all his staff. One fine day, he decided to make a trip down to a company's plant to interact with the workers. All the top managers upon knowing his rare appearance to the plant were very excited about it and made sure they prepared their workers for the Chairman arrival.

At the plant, the Chairman posed a very simple question to his managers, "who can tell me what the Mercedes circular insignia at the front of the car represents?"

All the managers were dumbfounded. Just then, a young sleepy chap amongst the workers was quick to answer,

"Oh that's simple, u fools. It stands for: 8 o'clock start work, 12 o'clock lunch & 5 o'clock go back!"

MERCEDES BENZ DRIVING TEST
 

= = = "MERCEDES BENZ DRIVING TEST" = = =

1. Before changing lanes you should: (A) signal. (B) check. (C) both a & b. (D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

2. The top light on a traffic signal is: (A) red. (B) yellow. (C) green. (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

3. The speed limit in a residential area is: (A) 35 MPH. (B) 25 MPH. (C) 45 MPH. (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) slow to a walking pace. (B) go around the block. (C) stop. (D) speed up and honk your horn.

5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should: (A) maintain your speed. (B) slow a little. (C) slow a lot. (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane: (A) never. (B) when there is a left turn arrow. (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M. (D) When ever you daRn well feel like it.

7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you: (A) must stop. (B) may pass on the left after checking. (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH. (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.

8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should: (A) pull to the right and stop. (B) pull into the nearest car wash. (C) roll down your windows. (D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station: (A) never. (B) when the doors are closed. (C) if there are no police around. (D) when you have missed your turn.

10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should: (A) relax. (B) watch the signal. (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front. (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.

11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal: (A) two blocks before turning. (B) two car lengths before turning. (C) two miles before turning. (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

12. A U-turn in a business district is legal: (A) only at an intersection. (B) always. (C) never. (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted: (A) never. (B) on Sunday. (C) if there is a fire hydrant. (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

14. What is your annual gross income: (A) $10,000-20,000. (B) $20,000-40,000. (C) $40,000-80,000. (D) $80,000 and up.

Scoring

If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we're sorry, you just don't have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

Eager to reach 300 posts? ;)

Great jokes, keep it up.

A mercedes a house and a million in stock
 

A mercedes a house and a million in stock

One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a
loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership.
Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman,
and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.
In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend
a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because
he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break,
they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the
real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his
best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping
floors in a brokerage firm. Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS
best friend a million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the can.
The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids,
so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn't
done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a
hairdresser after 15 years. But I guess his personal life is going OK.
He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. And to give you an idea just how
much his boyfriends like him, check this out: three of his boyfriends
just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday!

funny stuff
 

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU
 

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU


Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.

diesel fitter
 

Hans and Frans worked together in the factory, and both were laid off,
so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Hans
said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk
looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave
him $100 a week unemployment pay.

Frans was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel
fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Frans $300 a week. When Hans
found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend
and coworker was collecting more than double his pay. The clerk explained:
panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Hans. "I sew the elastic on, Frans pulls them on, and
says, "Ya, diesel fitter."

loaded MB
 

A real estate mogul in Beverly Hills, CA buys a BIG, new, full-house
Mercedes Benz, pulls out of dealership, comes to stoplight, and
encounters a
guy driving a similar, loaded MB.

He says..."do you have the V12 ?"

"Yep"

"Do you have the phone/fax machine?"

"Sure do"

"Do you have the TV set?"

"Of course . . . and I have the bed!" And with that the man drives off.

The first MB owner says, "THE BED? I gotta get the bed." So he goes
to his Beverly Hills MB dealer and says, "I don't care what it costs,
I want THE BED!"

Two weeks later he has his new MB with a bed and he encounters the
same guy with the similar Mercedes at a stoplight. The car is parked
at a restaurant and it appears no one is in it, so he goes over and
knocks on the rear window. The window comes down slowly and car guy
one says. "hey, hey, I got THE BED!"

The other guy, irritated, says, "You got me out of the shower for
that?"

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS
 

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car

hot dogs and hot heads
 

Hello Everyone
Stopped at the local hot dog and burger joint for dinner.
Pull in, park, leave it running and lock the doors.
Set at the bar to order takeout.
Ten minutes later; MR red neck teen (Ford truck, V8 open headers gasser, jacked up) walks in, choking and gasping about the diesel stench and racket.
I ignored him.
I paid and he paid right behind me.
He got his V8 gasser fired up and watched me unlock my 300SD, he started punching his gasser up to 4 or 5K trying to irritate me, I got the food loaded, climbed in, dropped it in gear, the fool wound out his truck to the max and popped the clutch.
Very loud kersproing as both drive shafts broke off the transfer case.
:D I calmly eased into the throttle and laughed my way home.:D