Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.



I asked, ''where did you get that?''



He said ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the Male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera. They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera. Just as I was about to click the button I shouted WAVE and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were an Obama fan.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Billy in the front row.

The teacher asked Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase......



"You Gotta Be *****t!n Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be *****t!n me.'

Subject: Retarded Grandparents - No Not You Two



Well, now we know what's in store for us and how we will be perceived!


RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

The priest asks, "Rabbi, be honest, before you were a man of God, did you ever try ham?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, I used to like ham very much, but since it is against my faith, I no longer eat pig products." After a short pause the Rabbi turns to the Priest and asks, "Father, before you were a man of the church did you ever engage in sex with a woman?"
Blushing, the Priest responds, "Yes, to be honest, I did have sex before I entered the Priesthood, but as I must be celibate for Christ, I no longer partake in temptations of the flesh."
The Rabbi smiles and says, "A lot better than ham, isn't it?"

Child abuse is bad. The word abuse suggests bad use or use for something that it was not intended for. Therefore, what is the best way to use a child?

Remote Control?

:rolleyes:

Just for the benefit of some !! :D:D:D


Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.


He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in
the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance,
never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping
around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.


When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun,
and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large
gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons here for all of us:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

> What my mother taught me .

>

> 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

> 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

>

> 2. My mother taught me RELIGION

> 'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

>

> 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

> 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next

week!'

>

> 4. My mother taught me LOGIC

> ' Because I said so, that's why.'

>

> 5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

> 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

>

> 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

> 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

>

> 7. My mother taught me IRONY.

> 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

>

> 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

> 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

>

> 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

> 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

>

> 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

> 'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

>

> 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

> 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

>

> 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

> 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

>

> 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

> 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

>

> 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

> 'Stop acting like your father!'

>

> 15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

> 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

>

> 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

> 'Just wait until we get home.'

>

> 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING

> 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

>

> 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

> 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

>

> 19. My mother taught me ESP ..

> 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

>

> 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR

> 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

>

> 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

> 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

>

> 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

> 'You're just like your father.'

>

> 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

> 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

>

> 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

> 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

>

> 25. And my favorite:

> My mother taught me about JUSTICE

> 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

TEXTING for Seniors

The kids have all their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

WTP - Where's the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!

A Taliban fighter was walking in the Afghan desert and was in need of some water.

He came across a little stand that was maned by a little Jewish man.

"Do you have water? "asks the Taliban

"No," says the Jewish man "I sell jackets and ties and they are only five dollars each."

"I should kill you now but I must find water first." says the Taliban.

"To show you that I am not your enemy, I will tell you that right over the next sand dune, about one mile away, is a nice little restaurant. It is air conditioned and they will give you all the ice cold water you want. Shalom!" says the Jewish man.

Cursing, the Taliban staggers away only to return several hours later, almost dead.

"Swine!" he says "Your brother would not let me in without a frigggin jacket and tie!

Confucius he did NOT say....


Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who run up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man who run in front of car get tired, man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS HE SAY. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
He barely said good morning,
Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts
And didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
And by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Rick knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me...'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
He came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
My kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Things To Think About



Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

I was instructed to post this !

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'






UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.







WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'







WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'






CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!








WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'





God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece