Success is like pregnancy.
Every one congratulates you but no one knows how many times you got screwed to achieve it !

A married couple are sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,
"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,"Who was that?"

"I don't know, some dumb chick asking if the coast is clear."

This is a very Australian joke. Sorry if some dont understand.

Bloody Victorians...

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX Qld. smiled and said, “Make mine a xxxx."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of CUB vic. paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you p00fters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

Roy, Did you have something to do with this ??:D

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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Southern Hospitality

A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still to be done."

"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."

Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, Sugar, just go ahead and jump."


~ ~ ~

The Lawyer

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a t ruck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's
door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ...lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed
the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

COMPLETE OR FINISHED

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
The difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED explained in a way
that is easy to understand.

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you
marry the wrong women, you are FINISHED. And when the right one
catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”.

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms Pianta, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Pianta had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Pianta he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9..'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Pianta and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Pianta says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Pianta asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Pianta: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Pianta: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Pianta: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Pianta: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

electrical or mechanical problem
 

It's strange I drive a 240d and hear a intermittent horn sound. Every time I see a car in either side or rear view mirror soon after that I hear the sound of a car horn (not always the same horn sound it seems to change depending on what make and model and year of the car that is in the mirror).

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new
apartment to a couple friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment...
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You *******! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

overheard on that Carnival cruise ship.......

" I had no idea they served so much corn on these ships".

Rules for dating my Daughter
“Kailey”

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as ******** not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch Kailey in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off Kailey's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete ********wits. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with Kailey, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this as I don’t give a ********ing **** about your advice or your view of the world. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have Kailey safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with Kailey. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will sure as **** make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for Kailey to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. Kailey is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Story Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like wash my Jeep or pouring me a Rum?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with Kailey
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce Kailey to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Footy games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a larger, gray haired, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to Kailey, I am the meanest mother ********er that ever walked in the valley of the shadow of death and I truly fear no ********en evil, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your little universe. Therefore if I ask you where the ******** you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a bad temper; I punch with the force of freight train and have many friends who will provide me with a cast iron alibi. So do not trifle with me little man.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a hot Iraq fire zone. When my drugs starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns and to hold the line and let no enemy pass
To bring Kailey home, As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought Kailey home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The voice from the dark will be me and I am armed and dangerous

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines Day and shoot all over his wife's face while imagining she was someone else?

A visitor is walking down the hall of a mental hospital. He happens to look into a room where he sees a man, completely nude except for a baseball cap.

The visitor asks the man, "Why don't you have any clothes on?"

The man says: "Nobody comes!"

The visitor then asks, "But why the baseball cap?"

The man replies, "Somebody might come."