The "Here After"
A young PP member (probably late teens) is out with a new girl.
After an interesting dinner (Macca's), they go for a drive up in the hills in his classic Benz.
In a nice secluded spot it stalls, he suggests they give the car a rest & have a chat.
After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, she advises that she is a strict Christian. She gets a Bible out of her hand bag & starts to quote all sorts of stuff.
You can imagine what this does for his ego!
After a while he manages to get a few words in & asks her what she understands about the "Here After"
She replies by quoting John & Peter & all sorts of stuff, all the while he sits there shaking his head.
Eventually out of frustration she says to him "Well what do you mean by the Here After"
He replies" Its quite simple really; If your not Here After the same thing that I am Here After, you will be Here After I leave" ............

Curtis and Leroy, The Parrot, and Thanksgiving Dinner

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, Curtis received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Curtis tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, Curtis was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Curis shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

Curtis asked his best friend, Leroy, what he should do. Leroy said throw him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.

Curtis said, ‘ I can’t do that. You do it for me.’

Leroy grabbed the parrot and placed him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Leroy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Leroy’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended Curtis with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Curtis and Leroy were stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. Leroy was beaming because his suggestion worked.

Just as Leroy was leaving, the parrot whispered to him, “May I ask what the turkey did to Curtis?”

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy walk into a bar with their pet raccoons. They walk up to the bar and take a seat, the raccoons do the same. Curtis and Leroy order a beer for themselves and a double scotch for each of the raccoons. They proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly one raccoon falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. Curtis and Leroy get up of their stools and head for the door.
The barman shouts at them as they head out the door, ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’
To which Leroy replies, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a raccoon!’

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better He called his cat and
said,
‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can
your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies……….

Drank the milk…….

**** on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so……..

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….

and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…

The 100 MPH Goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

I had him chained to a transmission!"

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box in Dublin, after years being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall, is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates,
the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be”.

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies.

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.



?




Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.



?




Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'



?




Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant, but today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am. :D

subject: Genie in tackle box









Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.



'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole..

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...
Flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

ABSTINENCE
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them,
"We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must
abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife
was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to
abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower."

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed
to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I
just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful,
loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done
we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this
means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head,
"We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department
of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies;

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,




“My wife.”

List of paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (derived from two Greek words - one meaning "beyond" and other meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

· Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

· The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

· We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

· Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The TV Evening News is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of many other successful men is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *****.

The Clk Man is smarter than Einstein? :confused: