joke thread

[layback40]

Church Ladies With Typewriters




\They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[Since66]

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were $70!!! BS, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her
balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe
that , 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Screw that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do
you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cent coins out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no
reason. I thought to myself, "she's going through the change."

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya dummy!"

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick
replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum
with sharks , wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no
surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[Since66]

Three Hillbillies are sittin on a porch shootin' the breeze....
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'
1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly says: 'Cause we ain't got no plummin!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

[layback40]

i will probably get banned for this one !!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

[Since66]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

[Since66]

I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"





And...that's the last thing I remember....

[layback40]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested, so I asked, “Can you burn me a copy?”



Well, that was when the trouble started………………………

[layback40]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats!"

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!"

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

This is your Grandma 's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Rolls than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the *******’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember life is good.

[layback40]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!

[cornemuse]

A guy goes to a football game, has seats on the 50 yard line down low, best seats in the house. As he's watching, he hears behind him, "Hey, Tommie!" He stands up and looks around, scanning the crowd and finally sits back down. It happens again, 3 or 4 times, each time he looks back and forth behind. Well, it happens again in the forth quarter, and he snaps. He turns around and shouts:

"My names not Tommie!!"

[layback40]

Dear God,
Here is a list of a few of the things I must remember to be a good dog:


1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the smell.
3. The sofa is not a face towel.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
6. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
7. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
9. I will not throw up in the car.
10. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
11. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
12. And God, when I get to Heaven, can I have my testicles back?


Sincerely,
The Dog

[layback40]

FELINE PHYSICS LAWS

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

[Since66]

A cowboy walks into the town saloon and gets a drink. Aside from the bartender, he's the only one in the place.

Cowboy asks the bartender, "Where's everybody."

Bartender replies, "They're out to to watch the hangin'"

Cowboy says, "Who's hangin'?"

Bartender says, "Brown Paper Pete."

Cowboy shakes his head and says, "Brown Paper Pete?! What kind of name is that?"

"Well," says the barman, "He always wears a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, paper pants, and paper shoes."

"Weird," says the Cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

Bartender says, "Rustling."

[benhogan]

did you guys hear about the chinese Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

[kip Foss]

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