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Old 11-12-2004, 12:42 AM
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When the Dave Mattews hit the fan

Dave Matthews Offers 100 Grand To Receivers Of Poop
Monday October 25, 2004 @ 03:00 PM
By: Staff

Dave Matthews
Dave Matthews

Rather than wait around for the results of his DNA Test � a culpability crap-shoot if there ever was one � Dave Matthews is trying to make amends with the offended poop-ees in the lawsuit his band are facing.

See, the state of Illinois is suing the lads for allegedly emptying their tour bus� septic tank through a metal-grated bridge into the Chicago River. Or rather, it would have gone into the river, had a boat full of the Unluckiest Tourists Ever not been directly under the bridge, bus, and subsequent shower of human waste.

Matthews and Co. were not in the bus at the time of the, uh, unloading, but since their driver denies the whole thing, authorities are waiting on genetic tests to deduce the origin of the waste in question. Since this is taking some time, the frustrated and environmentally-conscious band have offered a $100,000 donation to two groups that protect the Chicago River and its surroundings.

DMB is also trying to reach out to the 100 sorry bastards that got dumped on, attempting to track them down through the boat�s owner.

In addition to the 100 grand, they have been apologizing up a storm, just in case they are found responsible. A spokeswoman from the Illinois Attorney General�s office admitted the band have been trying to make amends, telling BBC News that her office appreciated "the gesture of goodwill," but that the donation won�t have any effect on the legal proceedings.

In related news (seriously), Lenny Kravitz is suffering from some toilet-blues of his own. Kravitz is being taken to court by a neighbour�s insurance company, which claims the rock star let his toilet overflow into the next-door apartment.

The lawsuit was made public on Friday, and, according to MSNBC, asks for over $300,000 in damages. The suit claims the toilet in Kravitz�s fancy New York digs "became blocked, clogged and congested with various materials," causing it to flood the neighbour�s condo and resulting in "catastrophic water damage."

Insert retching sound here.

Kravitz may want to think about moving from the trendy SoHo building, which also houses Courtney Love � a woman known for her mystical power to attract lawsuits.

�David McDougall
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