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  #16  
Old 11-26-2004, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VollkommenWar
Sorry to hear of your troubles Plantman. He could be mildly schytzophrenic. You may want to have him tested for that or depression before his life gets worse.
Generally schizophrenia is picked up on at school, also I've never heard of anyone being "mildly" schizophrenic - it is a serious illness that comes on suddenly, usually in one's twenties, and when it hits everyone knows it. I do agree the kid is obviously depressed - but he is at an age where he must be willing to take responsbility for seeing the shrink and taking the medicine. Really, really, hard to do at the age. Like Mr. B and I have both said, once a little shock therapy is administered they become much more amenable to taking on these reponsibilities.

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  #17  
Old 11-26-2004, 04:45 PM
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I agree with the tough love part.

I may actually swallow my pride and call his father up to discuss the situation, maybe both being on the same page will certainly help.

I have a feeling he doesn't go over his dad's too often because they probably get on his ass about doing the right thing and it's a bit more difficult for him there.

His father and I have discussed internet usage and video game usage and I believe that we are(or were) in agreement that he needs to be weaned off of them.

Last week, I bar-b-cued some steaks and I noticed him playing with his food. I asked what was up and he said "I'm just not in a steak kind of mood" I thought that was pretty funny and told him I would no longer cook for him, seeing as how he had issues with the menu.

To give you more insight on his personality, he gets money for bdays from family members and only this last year did he ever spend a dime on his mother for her bday. He actually said to me one time that he didn't understand that why as a kid, he should have to buy something for a parent.

When my sisters moved in down the street, we all went to help them clean up , move in, etc....he was upset that we were infringing on his free time and asked , "why do I have to help clean up a house I don't live in?", conveniently forgetting they were his aunt's who always go above and beyond their family duties.

Whenever we start talking to him about the need to get a job, so he has responsibility and of course his own money he would get defensive and tell his mother that the only reason we want him to work is so we can take his money, which was never discussed.

While I would like to believe that he isn't smoking pot anymore, it is possible of course, but he's alway home so I don't see it happening. I just think that like a lot of kids, he has this feeling of entitlement that is hard to deal with.

I've been telling him for years that one day life will smack him in the face and he won't know what hit him.
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  #18  
Old 11-26-2004, 08:03 PM
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If you can get him interested in some things that he needs and wants money for he may take an interest in earning money. If you are going to select those things you may well choose some things that develop some constitution and fortitude also.

Playing paintball has made quite an impression on many people. It simulates a life and death experience pretty well on an emotional level.

Hiking on an extended basis where you can't get to a place to get food or take a shower for five days or so at a time can put your priorities in order. It is revealing when you wonder if you can find water before you run out of energy to look.

Learning to fly an airplane, or more specifically to land an airplane is quite a challenge to many people.
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  #19  
Old 11-26-2004, 08:15 PM
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you're doing him a favor if you continue on your present course. one day he has to face the world, the sooner the better.
fwiw i encouraged my son to go overseas a couple of years ago, and he has matured immensely since then.
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  #20  
Old 11-26-2004, 11:35 PM
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How about a nice European vacation then an Outward Bound course? J/K. It sucks to be in your situation and I have tried to help a close friend's son who was similiarly unmotivated. He will be turning 21 and has finally managed to keep a job for more then 3 weeks. He did move in with a friend who didn't tell him that he hadn't renewed his lease, but had a taste of freedom (and responsibility) this summer before having to go back to his mother's house. At least now he does chores around the house and realizes what a sweet deal he had. I helped him get a nice used car which he is proud of, and he seems to be straightening out.
I definitely think depression is likely, but he has to be motivated to do something about it. Have you tried family counseling? I wonder if he would articulate his feelings since he clearly seems to think it's you, not him.
Good luck.
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  #21  
Old 11-27-2004, 12:19 PM
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Maybe I am not smart enough to realize it, but he doesn't really have a probelm with me, it's that he has a problem with anyone who tries to get him to grow up.

Last night he was supposed to go to his Dad's house with his cousin. Rather than facing his father, he chose to stay with his cousin until Sunday. He also said his cousin was going to help him find a job, get a license, etc.....My wife asked him about all of that and his response was "my cousin can't do everything". We'll see after this weekend if his cousin does anything at all.

My guess is that this will be a vacation of sorts for him. Or at least that's the way he will treat it until his cousin gets fed up with him as well.

I discussed all of your replies with my wife and I appreciate the different points of view.

Depression is something I never considered as I always accosiate it with bowing your head and sulking/crying, etc...which he doesn't do. Howeve, the only time I see him truly happy, is when he is with his friends taliking about or playing music.

Thanks
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  #22  
Old 11-27-2004, 12:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plantman
Depression is something I never considered as I always accosiate it with bowing your head and sulking/crying, etc...which he doesn't do. Howeve, the only time I see him truly happy, is when he is with his friends taliking about or playing music.

Thanks
I'm certainly no psychologist, but I would associate depression with a profound lack of energy and/or ambition. Of course, I would also associate the very same condition with extreme cannabis abuse.

Last edited by GermanStar; 11-27-2004 at 01:34 PM.
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  #23  
Old 11-27-2004, 12:59 PM
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google depression. there are many aspect of it and a buttload of available info... and i wish you good luck with this heartache... keep at it and things will turn around sooner or later...
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  #24  
Old 11-27-2004, 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GermanStar
I'm certainly no psychologist, but I would associate depression with a profound lack of energy and/or ambition. Of course, I would also the very same condition with extreme cannabis abuse.
It needn't be one or the other. The boy could be depressed and self-medicating.

...and like mzmbs said....
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  #25  
Old 11-27-2004, 01:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Botnst
It needn't be one or the other. The boy could be depressed and self-medicating.

...and like mzmbs said....
No doubt -- not unlikely at all...
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  #26  
Old 11-27-2004, 02:18 PM
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His uncle, my wife's brother is 31 or so and has been on a downward spiral the last few years. He's hooked on anti-depressants and is causing his family all sorts of heartache.

Believe it or not, he's depressed because he's not rich. That comes from his mouth not mine. He genuinely is upset that he is middle class.

Regarding my step-son, his attitide has always been the same, it's not something that just happened now that he's 18. He has never been passionate about anything except the latest craze. He wanted to be a professional skateboarder but didn't want to work at it. When he realized he wasn't any good, he stopped as opposed to trying harder. Not that he would have been good had he tried, just giving a little more insight on his outlook.

While I do not rule out self-medicating or drug use, I would think it difficult, considering he is always home. When I say that, I mean he never goes to a movie, only goes down the street to a friends house for a little bit and comes right back. On his free time, he is literally at home 75-80% of the time, in his room, listening to music and playing solitaire. His friends come over to use the poll and he stays inside. I noticed this a while back and started to monitor his behavior a bit more, which ultimately led to this current situation.

Thanks
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  #27  
Old 11-28-2004, 01:07 PM
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BILY (Because I Love You)

Plantman,

A parent support group, BILY, saved my sanity years ago and I credit it with saving my oldest daughter's life.

I realize this is a drastic case and nothing like your step-son but BILY (Because I Love You) deals with all situations. My first meeting I thought I was in the wrong place because I could hear laughter coming from the meeting room (JR High Cafeteria) and figured I was at the wrong meeting. I was wrong!

These parent just found humor to save their sanity. BILY uses 'consequences' (one of the email choices is a list of suggested consequences) for behavior. They don't believe in telling the consequence first (ie-if you don't mow the lawn I'll take away your video games) because that allows the child to make a choice and the unknown consequence makes them think about their decision a little more seriously.

It doesn't sound like you are dealing with outward anger (ie-slamming doors, etc) and anger turned inward is depression. I would seriously consider the suggestions here about that.

I checked and there is no group in Florida, but their web site has a page (reference library) that will email you information.

http://www.becauseiloveyou.org/
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  #28  
Old 11-28-2004, 07:59 PM
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Plantman what about the armed forces? That might give him some direction in his life and make him more confident. The Navy has a lot to offer, he might like it and could go very far.
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  #29  
Old 11-28-2004, 08:47 PM
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The kid doesn't have a diploma so the service is not an option. The Army (Marines too) used to take them without a diploma and GED them while they were in, but over the years they have restricted it to HS grads. It was a great way for kids to turn their lives around, but it also made the Army a dumping ground because judges were giving first offenders a choice between the Army or jail. Ft. Dix, New Jeresy had a horrible reputation up north because this was the place they brought in all the new recruits from New York, Boston, and Philly - lots of junkies, car thieves and worse, had to be sifted out there, and it was about as safe as being sent to prison.

Personally I think the Army is going to have to relax its standards pretty soon, so he may be in luck.
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  #30  
Old 11-28-2004, 08:54 PM
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well he happened to return a few minutes ago and never did show up at his Dad's. He spent the weekend with his cousin, who Imentioned earlier is a year older, works has his own apt. and by all accounts is a good kid.

I am assuming he didn't go to his Dad's because he was trying to avoid the issue. Obviously, he would rather avoid dealing with he or I altogether.

We will be speaking to him shortly, or rather my wife will be. He's upset with me and I am trying to push her into a more active role. She is not very confrontational and that doesn't help things either. I can see why couples have problems with raising step-kids. If you're not on the asme page, it can be hell.

Chris, I have discussed the armed forces with him, but he says no. Way too much responsibility and commitment for him. Addtionally, at his current pace he will have trouble getting a HS degree or GED.

In order to graduate HS in FL, you need to pass an exam called an FCAT, which he has not been able to do.

He's back in his room listening to music now.

Yippeee!!!!!

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