OK, since this is an Open Forum. I can discuss whatever I choose, right?

Here is my story. Some members here remember I went through a seperation/divorce last year of a 15 years marriage. My ex told me she lost her feelings for me two and a half years ago one evening. Then she proceeded to move away. Since the day she left, I joined a support group, but mostly kept to myself. I went to work, come home, to the support group once a week and that's about it.

This past summer I met a lady in my support group that I feel attracted to and wanted to ask her out but never could gather up courage. Finally, I gave up altogether and remind friends with her. She called and e-mailed me a couple of times and each time she dropped hints at me, or at least I think so. For example, we had a group outing for a movie one time and she could not make it. I called and left her a voice mail and told her the movie was good. She e-mailed me and told me she hated to have missed it but said she would like to hear about it, and she continued the e-mail by saying "she loves pop-corn with double butter - for future reference". Guess that was some hint? Whenever we are with the group, she always gravitates toward me. As a matter of fact, couple ladies in the group told me they have seen alot of chemistry between the two of us and they have been encouraging me to ask her out for months. One other time we went out as a group for a late night snack. I was the last one in line to pay the bill. While everybody already left and went outside, she stayed behind and waited for me at the counter.

Fast forward to this New Year's Eve party of the group. She sat with me at dinner, and we talked and danced all night. At the end of the party, I walked her to her car and talked some more. Then we went our seperate ways. I called her two days later and invited her out to dinner, and she said she would love to!! She even had her hair done this afternoon, not sure its because of tonight's date or not.

So, I just came home from my first date in two and a half years.

Well, we talked plenty over dinner. We met at 7:00 and left the restaurant at 11:30. Before she got inito her car, she gave me a big hug and a kiss on my cheek. I asked her to call me when she got home so I know she arrived home safe and sound. She did, and we talked a little more on the phone.

So, guys. You may wonder why I write this? It is because I know there are quite a few very intelligent members here who may tell me what my best actions should be.

Here is the situation. I am legally divorced, she is not. As a matter of fact, she is still hoping she and her husband will work things out. She has been seperated for almost a year and had filed for the seperation papers. She told me she really enjoyed my company, and she thinks the world of me. She also told me tonight she would not hesitate to go out with me again. But she also wanted me to understand that she is not a divorced woman so therefore she just wants to be friends.

Do you guys think I should forget about this and not ask her out again? Or I should just keep her as a friend and go out with her every now and then and see what direction her life goes? I feel I am such a dork to write this, but I hope someone will tell me your unbiased thoughts. I am in a situation with rose glasses on so I see only what I want to see. You guys can be brutally straight with me, and I expect so.

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95 R129
04 Infiniti G35.5 BS
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I think it's odd that she's pursuing you romantically on the one hand (and yes, she is definitely pursuing you), and on the other hand is trying to reconcile with her ex and emphasizing the fact she isn't single.

Being friends is fine, if you can stomach it, and if you can stay out of the 'cuddle-***** trap'. But I'd leave this one alone romantically until she is fully divorced and knows her own mind. There's too much potential for drama if you get involved with her while she's pining for her ex, or, worse, if they reconcile while you and she are in a relationship.

Sorry

elau,

i'd move on. she will find you when she's "unentangled". an emotional investment with a person who has made a commitment to someone else, no matter how tacit it may be now, is risky.

you have been through quite a bit emotionally, if i read your post right. there's no sense making it more complicated.

perhaps you could tell her you respect the vows she made before, and as such she could see you would respect any vows you would make in the future.

even as a political opposite, i'm sorry for what you've been through. keep on rollin' brother.

well, she is married legally so you have to take that for what it is ... she did tell you that she wanted to still make it up with her hubby...

now the rest sounds all pretty good. you seem to have chamistry and things to talk about... how about your general interests??? are those similar???

sounds to me that you're at least digesting/thinking about it so that's a good thing... you should be fine.... imho, stay on the friendly level and have fun exploring but also keep in mind that there are plenty of fish in the sea...

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I agree with webwench's first sentence 100%.

If you want someone to go and see a movie with, or have dinner with, fine. Other than that, I wouldn't put all of my eggs in one basket with this one. (for now anyway) I am curious as to what her and her husband have to "work out"...What is it that prompted her to file for separation?

She probably thought that your reluctance to become "friendlier" with her made you "safe" to be social with, and she might have interpreted your reluctant behavior as you not being romantically interested in her, and therefore thinks you would be "low risk" for becoming more involved than she wants to. (I hope that made sense)

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Webwench,
I agree with you totally. I am actually very cautious about getting myself hurt. I don't have any plan to get romantically involved with her, at least not in the near future. Thanks for your opinion.

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95 R129
04 Infiniti G35.5 BS
10 X204

Azimuth,
That has actually crossed my mind and that was the reason I gave up asking her out over the summer. I did not want to get myself tangled with someone still has that much baggage.

Thanks for your opinion.

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95 R129
04 Infiniti G35.5 BS
10 X204

Incredibly similar. Especially our core values and goals. We talked about all of that during the group discussion.

I intend to just keep it on a friendly level for a while if she will still wants to go out with me. I don't think I want to romantically involve with her at this point. At least not until after she sorts out whatever she and her ex decide to do.

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95 R129
04 Infiniti G35.5 BS
10 X204

Very good point.

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95 R129
04 Infiniti G35.5 BS
10 X204

I'd keep looking.

About the best thing I have ever learned (and taught my boys) in talking with and meeting women was to not be scared/shy in approaching them.

I am of the opinion that you need to get out more.

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Jim

You don't see what's happening? She's using you, maybe not intentionally, but she is.

She needs validation that she's still sexy. She needs security and self esteem.

Uh, if you can sleep with here and not get emotionally involved all the better.

No, I didn't say that. Did I?

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You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows - Robert A. Zimmerman

That is the best tactic. However, you clearly feel some attraction to her and it might prove difficult for you emotionally to continue seeing her on a "friendly basis".

IMHO, you can continue to see her, provided that you also attempt to go out with other women as well. If you remain in the house with only one woman on your mind, you are headed for heartache or worse. Don't ask me how I know this.

Why not try going outside of the group with some other friends or acquaintances. There are too many crutches in support groups and it may be difficult to distinguish genuine attraction from a shoulder to lean on. Not just you, her.

Socializing o/s the group may inspire her to wonder where'd my buddy/crutch go? What's he doing? Why isn't he here. If she asks, you tell her the truth and explain that you still can be friends but given your feelings for her, it is best for all concerned this way.

Sometimes they just need a kick in the ass!

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

I think she is deeply conflicted between you and her ex, whom I'll bet is a sweet, smooth, and charming philanderer. He's still working his magic on her for his ends. She knows that but she still loves him. And now she's met you and is thinking she could do better with you than with a man she loves but cannot trust. She doesn't know whether she can love you, but she recognizes the potential and is comfortable with it.

Before saying goodbye (which is likely the best idea), I would find an opportunity to lay it all out for her. Let her know that you think an awful lot of her and that you believe the two of you have some great possibilities for a deeper relationship. Take time to watch and listen to her reaction.

You'll know the right path after that. Either choice you make is going to be a risk for you emotionally at this stage because you still have those trust issues.

Remember, small risks bring small rewards.

right now you're off to the side... if you sleep with her you'll put yourself squarily in the middle of her and her not so ex. don't do that... a lay ain't worth all that.....

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