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  #1  
Old 08-24-2006, 11:54 PM
mikemover's Avatar
All-seeing, all-knowing.
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 5,514
Funny Stephen Wright-isms....

Thought we could use a little comic relief. I used to LOVE Stephen Wright.... Feel free to add your own.

Mike

__________________________________________________________


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered "assassinated" instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why are there 10 hot dogs per package, but only 8 buns per package?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Why am I being shorted a penny?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck for all eternity wearing the clothes you were buried in?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If I spill Spot remover on my dog, will he disappear?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people happily say that they "slept like a baby" when babies usually wake up every two hours?

Why do people say "I'm going to run to the store", when they know damned well they are really going to drive there?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why do people pay to go up into tall buildings, and then put money in the giant binoculars to look at things on the ground? Couldn't they see the things on the ground from the ground?

Why do we choose from only two people for President, yet there's fifty choices for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway, right?



__________________
_____
1979 300 SD
350,000 miles
_____
1982 300D-gone---sold to a buddy
_____
1985 300TD
270,000 miles
_____
1994 E320
not my favorite, but the wife wanted it

www.myspace.com/mikemover
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  #2  
Old 08-25-2006, 12:55 AM
MTI's Avatar
MTI MTI is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Scottsdale, Arizona
Posts: 10,626
I live on a one way dead end street.

A cop pulled me over. He asked me why I was going so fast. I told him "there's this pedal down there . . ."

I met the most beautiful blue eyed chinese girl on the bus . . .

If you had everything, where would you put it?

You know that feeling, when you lean a chair back till you get it just balanced on the two back legs? I'm like that all the time.

I walked my dog all at once. We walked from Boston to Miami and back. When we got back to Boston, I told him "there, we're done."
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  #3  
Old 08-25-2006, 01:40 AM
Orkrist2's Avatar
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 58
Whatever happenned to that guy? His humor and delivery were awesome.
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1984 300D turbo, 250K
1971 MGBGT, 101K
2007 VW Jetta, 4K
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  #4  
Old 08-25-2006, 09:50 AM
Stressed Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Florida Big Bend region
Posts: 721
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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  #5  
Old 08-26-2006, 08:44 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 14
"Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me." Steven Wright ...
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  #6  
Old 08-26-2006, 08:52 AM
Larry Delor's Avatar
What, Me Worry?
 
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Sarasota, Fl.
Posts: 3,114
The other day I bought a box of powdered water, and couldn't figure out what to add.

I woke up, and discovered that everything in my house had been stolen, and replaced with an exact replica.

I have a map of the world....it's life-size.

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It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so. Robert A. Heinlein


09 Jetta TDI
1985 300D
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