Looking for any insights. My wife's parents are having problems. He's 87, recently had a stroke but is home and recovering pretty well. She's 84. They live in England. She can't stand him anymore and wants one of the children to come to England, pick him up and bring him back to Canada or the US. She's been unhappy for many years. They've lived in places for about 1 yr, she gets unhappy and then they move to another town where's she's happy for about six months. She's pretty unkind to him much of the time. A few years ago she went to England on vacation, called him and told him she'd decided to stay over there without him. They're devout Christians so this devastated him, and appalled the family so a couple of weeks later she comes back and denies she ever did it. (I was with him when she initially called so I know it happened). She then decided to move both of them to England, and went over by herself to find an apartment. My father in law was in no condition to travel that far alone so my sister in law ended up taking him over to England last year. I think my mother in law secretly wished that he would have been unable to get over there

He really can't come back to the US since he would have no medical care here. Canada is a remote possibility because he has one son there and he is eligible for health care there, but the son is planning to move to the US next year. The trip itself might be pretty stressful for a man recovering from a stroke.
I'm inclined to think that the best option is to try to find an assisted living home for him in England and get the two of them apart.
Anyone gone thru something similar and have any advice? She accuses her children of abandoning her even though she lived in Canada while all her children lived in North America, and she's the one who chose to move back to England.
My brother in law is going over to visit them at the end of January and we need some kind of plan to deal with the situation by then.

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1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

You need professional legal, medical and social advice.

I cannot imagine how to untangle this problem and also maintain strong relations with your wife. Aside from the (easy) opinion, above, I think your first duty is to your relationship with your wife and all other relationships are secondary. So in furtherance of that goal, I would encourage and support your wife as she makes the decisions concerning her parents. Perhaps if she had legal, medical and sociological advice to guide her, your support through these difficult, heartbreaking struggles would be golden to her.

Kerry, that is a tough, tough situation. best of luck.

B

I have had some experience with elderly in-laws and it's not a good situation to be in the middle of. Support your wife's decisions (along with her siblings); don't be the one to suggest a home even if it is the best thing, it's just too emotional for your wife.

PS Canada is in North America lol.

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1993 300E 2.8 185k miles
2006 Mustang Convertible 4.0 Eaton Supercharged

I agree with Bot for the most part, but even though our relationships to our parents are secondary, I am a firm believer in the Ten Commandmants, and there is the one about honoring your mother and father.

Thus, we all (in this case your wife) have a moral responsibility to honor our parents until death. I reckon she ought to make arrangements so that he has a roof over his head, and the care he needs to ensure a meaningful life, however much he has left.

If your mother-in-law is as unkind as you believe she is, I'd go along with the idea to separate them.

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Paul S.

2001 E430, Bourdeaux Red, Oyster interior.
79,200 miles.

1973 280SE 4.5, 170,000 miles. 568 Signal Red, Black MB Tex. "The Red Baron".

Why don't they get a bigger apartment so they each have some privacy? Its not like she's gonna start dating again if he leaves. Either of them can drop any day. Also try to avoid digging up past family grievances, since they distract everyone from focusing on the present situation.

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1985 380SE Blue/Blue - 230,000 miles
2012 Subaru Forester 5-speed
2005 Toyota Sienna
2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible
1999 Toyota Tacoma

On the legal and medical end, I'll trust the professionals. On the social end, I expect to find as good insights here as from some professionals.
At the moment, it's hard to get good legal and medical advice since their doctors are in the UK, and the attorneys would need to be barristers.

It's not causing any tension between my wife and I at the moment. She's not particulary fond of her mother, at least partly because of the way she's been treating her father for a number of years. My wife is not sure what is the best course of action.
The situation is complicated by immigration and pension issues. My in-laws immigrated to Canada in the 50's, then to the US in the 60's. My father in law worked for a religious organization and as a consequence did not pay US social security. As he aged, he realized his predicament and moved back to Canada to continue working for a few years where he earned a union pension and Canadian social security. The children remained in the US, except for one who returned to Canada a few years ago. The economics of the situation precluded them moving back to the US. This national divide may have added to the hostility between my mother in law and her kids. She may have even come to blame her husband for this. Even a visit to the US was a risky or expensive proposition because Canadian health insurance did not cover them outside of the country. But all her kids have visited them at least once a year, or more often for those living closer.
I suspect my mother in law's dissatisfaction may be rooted in regrets she has about living her life the way she did.
The British social system is much more friendly to the elderly and they now live within a few miles of where they were born and grew up so it's not a bad place to age and die.
I've looked up their local county council and am planning to call the elder care division in the next few days to get a clear idea of the choices available.
We recently met a couple who have had a similar situation with elderly parents. They had to separate them because they could not get along any more. The father moved in with the children and the mother stayed in the house. When the mother became ill, they moved the father out to an assisted living facility and the mother then came to live with the kids.

It's a little more challenging trying to sort this out at a distance.

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1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

What I meant was that some children lived in Canada and some in the US.

My wife thinks that a home may be a good option for her dad. She thinks he'd be better off without her constant criticizing and insults. He'd also have other people to socialize with. However, when we visited him during the time that my mother in law was in England, saying she was going to stay there and leave him, he wouldn't even go out of the house and chat with neighbors or go to church because he found it so shameful that his marriage seemed to have failed.

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1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

That's funny. It's not out of the question. My mother in law had the hots for my uncle when they were young. My uncle's wife died about six months ago. Maybe she's had plans to hook up with him for all these years!

The problem with a larger apartment is that my father in law is pretty domestically helpless. He's very hard pressed to do any cooking for himself so she would have to do this. I think this would keep the resentment simmering.

__________________
1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

i agree 100%.

the MIL sounds mentally unstable. separating them may be a good idea but who knows?

good luck

tom w

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[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.[SIGPIC]

..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.

It just as easy to cook for 2 as it is for one. At times when shes not around, theres always the microwave. Encourage her to travel and visit to get her out of the house some, during which time they can hire a person to come in to clean and cook for him.

__________________
1985 380SE Blue/Blue - 230,000 miles
2012 Subaru Forester 5-speed
2005 Toyota Sienna
2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible
1999 Toyota Tacoma

I found out that the local county council will provide sitters for her to get out of the house, so travel and getting out of the house is an option that might work.
I doubt that either one of them has ever used a microwave in their lives. She still cooks fresh meals every day, bakes pies, cakes etc. They probably don't even know what the frozen food section of the grocery store looks like. When she went to England and left him behind, she cooked weeks worth of meals in advance and put them in the freezer for him.

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1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

K.E.,

I've an elderly parent I'm caring for presently (no troubles,She's a sweetheart)

One of Mom's childhood friends almost got divorced 15 years ago by her husband
of 40 years.The friend had the initial stages of some sort of terribly debilitating
mental and physical progressive illness (Parkinson's,Alzhimer's) and the husband
just thought that his wife was turning into a *****.After clinical testing and
counseling of both parties , He stood by her until her demise 2 years ago.He
passed away last year.

When we promise to honor,support and love someone "till death do us part"
the actual fulfillment of those vows may include the assistance of extended family.

'Having a large family of brother's and sister's who can act as a support group
can make this a less burdensome task.

I remember my mother changing diapers on seven of her nine children and
helping out as needed.

I will add you and yours to my prayer list.

Kerry- I am sorry you have to deal with this situation and I agree with BOT, get some legal and medical professional help sounds like the MIL might have a bit of dementia?

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"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process."
2012 SLK 350
1987 420 SEL

It could be an onset of dementia. My sister in law thinks it depression. But the pattern has been around in their relationship for many years, so I don't see it as much of anything new. My MIL was always the outspoken aggressive one and my FIL was more of a laid back 'accept the world as it is' kind of guy. This has never sat well with my MIL despite the fact that she has believed for religious reasons that she has to accept the authority of her husband. She's played the subservient role for years, despite her innate tendency to do otherwise, and I think it's coming out as resentment in her golden years. My FIL's failing health is the lance that pierced the pustule.

__________________
1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13

I agree with Bot. BUT, twer it me and my parents, due to MILs maltreatment of FIL, I would petition the Court for a conservator to be appointed to see to your FIL, because MIL may be squandering the estate, not obtaining his prescriptions, ect.....Putting her ass on an allowance may also cool her behaviour a little. I only mention this possible solution, because trying to find an elder lawyer, your wife will probably have to narrow the issues a little.