Blonde Jokes Anyone? - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

al76slc · #1 02-28-2007, 06:04 AM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."

He sighed......... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Mistress · #2 02-28-2007, 11:45 AM

What goes, Blonde, brunette, blonde brunette, blond brunette?

A blonde doing backflips.

2. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? So they don't hurt themselves.

Carleton Hughes · #3 02-28-2007, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistress

What goes, Blonde, brunette, blonde brunette, blond brunette?

A blonde doing backflips.

2. Why do blondes where shoulder pads? So they don't hurt themselves.

What do you call a blonde who's been doing handstands for several hours?
A brunette with bad breath.

al76slc · #4 02-28-2007, 05:03 PM

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time ."

mgburg · #5 02-28-2007, 11:51 PM

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blond?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: "Has that blonde gone yet?"

Q: What is the brunette's mating call?
A: "When is that blond ***** going to leave!?"

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands to her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did God give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them ****ting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How do blondes part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, whom really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a "scratch and sniff" at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all *****.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny
blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-O?
A: Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blowjob, it won’t stop until it gets blood.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!

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mgburg · #6 02-28-2007, 11:56 PM

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the Ws, 3s and the Es.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her
cigarette.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunderstorm?
A: She loves having her picture taken. (Lightning flashes, got it?)

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."

Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain-surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier..."

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengal team?
A: Just One... Boomer Esiason.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a brunette with three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you check to see if you've got 3 condoms.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2: Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 99% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an *******?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.

Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cuz she couldn't get channel 9...

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 50 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

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mgburg · #7 02-28-2007, 11:57 PM

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nymph says "Are you done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says,
"Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo..

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10,000 men.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They’re both screwed when they're on their back.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?
A: Because they can understand them.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: (Finger on chin) "I don't know." (Hits forehead) "Oh I get it!"

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
A2: So they don't **** everywhere when you pull their tits.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.

Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungee Jumping too.

Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

Q: Why do blonds have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST - Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada).
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: Somewhere to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: It's where you wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch stuff that is over their head.

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: Because the oven cannot reach 700 degrees.

Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: Because the cannot get the bottle in the printer.

Q: Why can't blondes dial 911 in an emergency?
A1: They forget the number.
A2: They cannot find 11 on the telephone.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: Because they can't find the zipper.

Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: They burn their nipples.

Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: They cannot get their head in the jar.

Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: What's a light bulb?
A2: One, she holds the bulb and the world turns around her.
A3: Two, one to hold the diet Pepsi, the other to call "Daddy."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q: Santa, Tooth Fairy & a smart blond see a $10 bill, which gets it?
A: None of them. They don't exist.

Q: A blonde and a brunette are thrown off a building. Which one hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, the blond stopped off for directions on the way.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend your Porsche to a friend.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and butter?
A: Butter is hard to spread.

Q: What is the difference between a blond and the Titanic?
A: We know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q: What is the difference between Bigfoot and a smart blonde?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What does a blonde say when she give birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it’s mine?

Q: What does a blond and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a cockpit.

Q: What do you get if you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

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MattBelliveau · #8 03-01-2007, 12:17 AM

Two Blondes walk into a building...

...you'd think ONE of them would have seen it.

H-townbenzoboy · #9 03-01-2007, 12:32 AM

One day I was walking to the entrance at the mall, when I passed two distraught looking blondes outside a 95 E320 Cabriolet. I like W124s, so I went over and asked them "You having car trouble?"
One of them replied "Yeah, I locked the keys inside my dad's car! Can you help us get them out? I think we need beef jerky or something to get in."
I said "You mean a slim jim?"
"Yeah, that's it, I knew it sounded like food. Can you open it for us?"
"Yeah, I can" I replied.
She replied "Oh, that's good! Can you hurry though? It's about to rain and I left the top down."

davidmash · #10 03-01-2007, 05:34 PM

Q : What do you call 10 blondes in a row?

A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call 10 blondes in the freezer?

A: Frosted flakes

Q: what do you call 10 blondes in a circle?

A: A dope ring

Q: What do you call a brunet hooker with 2 blonde hookers beside her?

A: Full price, $4, $4. (think Pizza commercial)

mgburg · #11 03-04-2007, 04:18 PM

Bump!

Hammertime · #12 03-04-2007, 05:16 PM

Ok I'll bite.....

What do blonde women and dog poop have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up...

truckinik · #13 03-04-2007, 05:29 PM

Three blonds walking through the forest come uppon a set of tracks.

The first one says "Oh look, Deer tracks".

The next one says, "Those aren't Deer tracks silly, they're Rabbit tracks".

The third on says, "No they're not, you're both wrong, they're Bear tracks".

They were still argueing when the train hit them....lol

al76slc · #14 03-08-2007, 09:31 AM

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier When I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared a each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But, all men..... are men.

Stoneseller · #15 03-08-2007, 09:41 AM

^^^Good one