Miserable Puns Thread
 

The postal workers were lamenting the loss of a female co-worker. At her wake, they letter RIP.

What did the Ram say as he fell off the cliff?

"Dammit,I didn't see that Ewe turn"............

Remember the 60's?... burrning the bra was a big flop.

Confucius say "many men smoke but a Fu Manchu".........

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Then I got a job as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn't keep her pupils under control?

Every time she asked the class a question the students were all up in arms.

Oh dear god, is there no end to you guys' shame??? :eek: :D :eek:

That broad was so shy she closed the blinds every time she changed her mind.

A man once entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

This one's for you Randy.
 

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

In Merrie Olde England they say:What comes steaming out of Cowes?

The Queen's yacht.............

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They crashed into each other. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Then there was the cabinetmaker who committed suicide by drinking linseed oil and shellack..

He had a miserable life but a fine finish.

"Hey" said the horny kid working in the pet store to a comely maiden,"you ever hold a macaw?" "No"she replied.

"Well,I bet you kissed a cockatoo"he rejoined.

What did the laundryman ask the Mother Superior?

"Do you have any dirty habits?"

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?


Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.

I'd like to take a short reprive from the puns to thank my lucky stars that we have a member here at Mersedesshop like the 'Mistres', she sure helps break up the monogamy around this place.

When the pig lost his voice, he became disgruntled.

What did one mushroom say to the other?

You're a fungi.

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

My eyes hurt.

The farmer is outstanding in his field.

Confucius say "Man go through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok".

Confucius says:

Man who eats many prunes, sit on toilet for many moons.

You guys are WORLD CLASS punsters. My hat's off to you. Everything I could think of had already been posted by the time I got to the end of the thread.

I am not worthy . . I am not worthy . . I am not worthy . . . . .

OK, OK, you aren't a toad.

I feel MUCH better now, Randy. Thank you ever so much .

Forgot one:

Confucius says;

Man who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger....

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have any guts!

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.

What did the Father buffalo say when his boy left the herd?


Bison.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.


To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.


The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.


Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.


We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.


The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.


The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.


The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.


A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


A will is a dead giveaway.


Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


A backward poet writes inverse.


In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.


When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.


He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


A calendar's days are numbered.


A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.


A boiled egg is hard to beat.


He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


A plateau is a high form of flattery.


Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .


When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.


Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.


Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I'll celibate when priests marry.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam!

She was only a welder's daughter, but she had acetylene legs.

She was only a stableman's daughter but all the horse manure.

You'll never go hungry at the beach because of all the sand which is there.

After Anne Boleyn's death the country moved ahead.

I like that one! :laugh3: