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  #1  
Old 06-12-2007, 07:59 PM
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Chuck Norris Running for President!

WHAMMO! http://www.worldnetdaily.com/staticarticles/article56107.html

Quote:

If I am elected president
Posted: June 11, 2007
1:00 a.m. Eastern

I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?

I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.

If I'm elected president, I will…

Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.

Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).

Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"

Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.

Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).

Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.


Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).

Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."

Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).

Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.

Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.

Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").

Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).

Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.

Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.

Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.

Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.

Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).

Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.

First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …

Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.

Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)

Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!
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  #2  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:22 PM
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Jack Bauer said it was ok for Norris to be president, he just better not screw-up.
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  #3  
Old 06-12-2007, 09:41 PM
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Walker, Texas President?
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  #4  
Old 06-12-2007, 09:50 PM
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100 little known Chuck Norris facts

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris never played with rubber ducks in the bathtub. His 3 favorite bath toys consisted of a radio, a toaster, and a middle aged Vietnamese man.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ****s up.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Jeep.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Sorry, a little off topic
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  #5  
Old 06-12-2007, 09:51 PM
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Part 2

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays Hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Chuck Norris used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better ****ing do what Chuck Norris says.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
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Old 06-12-2007, 10:04 PM
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Old 06-12-2007, 10:50 PM
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When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
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Old 06-12-2007, 11:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee8go View Post
Walker, Texas President?
Bingo, bango, pow!
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Old 06-13-2007, 12:36 AM
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I have a WWCND? sticker on my Suburban, complements the truck.
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  #10  
Old 06-13-2007, 07:58 AM
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Frickin Hilarious - thank you for that CN list =)


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  #11  
Old 06-13-2007, 12:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dannym View Post
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
ROTFLMAO!
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2007, 12:21 PM
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Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
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Old 06-13-2007, 01:33 PM
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I'm voting for Pat Paulson...
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Old 06-13-2007, 07:38 PM
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Heh

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:46 PM
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Chuck Norris trims his beard with a shard of broken glass wedged in his foreskin.
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