funny joke - Page 3 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

mgburg · #31 12-09-2008, 02:27 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."

And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?!?!? Only once or twice a week?!?!?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Larry Delor · #32 12-09-2008, 02:50 AM

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds: 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'

Carleton Hughes · #33 12-09-2008, 07:07 AM

A drunk picks up an empty beer bottle,puts it to his ear and sez to a friend,"Hey,if you listen carefully you can hear the brewery".

Mistress · #34 12-09-2008, 10:48 AM

good ones, thanks I need those.

mgburg · #35 12-20-2008, 01:03 PM

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.

He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

Larry Delor · #36 12-27-2008, 03:57 PM

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

The Clk Man · #37 12-28-2008, 03:46 PM

Why did the blond not change her babies diaper for a month.\\

Because the box said holds up to 35 lbs.

The Clk Man · #38 12-28-2008, 03:49 PM

2 blonds wanted to go to Disney Land, so they drove down to Florida and saw a directional road sign that said Disney Land left. So they went home.

Dubyagee · #39 12-28-2008, 06:39 PM

An elderly man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up
next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny ?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,,,, WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he
looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says: "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"YEAH, How bout Unhooking my suspender from your side view mirror."

Larry Delor · #40 01-02-2009, 03:45 PM

Here's your vocabulary lesson for today:

Liquidity: When you look at your investments and wet your pants.

Dee8go · #41 01-02-2009, 04:08 PM

Larry, I nearly wet MY pants when I read that! That's great. thanks.

aklim · #42 01-02-2009, 04:25 PM

A horny guy went to the whorehouse and asked the madam how much the girls were.

Madam: Girls here are usually $100 a time but since it is slow, $80.
Man: What can I get for $5
Madam: I'm sorry sir but the best I can offer you is a Playboy magazine

Man goes away and hocks his shirt for $5
Man: Will you take $10 for a girl?
Madam: I'm sorry but I can't go that low. Best I can offer is the Playboy mag.

Man goes away and hocks his shoes for $10.
Man: I now have $20. Is it possible we can work something out?
Madam: That is going to be really difficult because that is way too low.

Man goes away and hocks his pants for $10
Man: Will $30 be workable?
Madam: Well, it is a slow night. Go See Marlene and knock on the door.

Man Knocks on the door and hears an elderly voice say "Come in" He opens the door and the lights were out but since he was horny, he said figured that he would give it a try. After going for a few minutes, he mentioned to her that it felt really rough there. She told him to stop and give her a few minutes. When she got back to bed, he went again and found it was the best he has had in a long time. After it was said and done, he asked her what she did to make it so good.

Marlene: Oh, not much. I scratched off the scabs and let the pus flow.

aklim · #43 01-02-2009, 04:25 PM

Two men go for a walk in the woods. Suddenly one of them gets bitten in the groin area by a snake. They try make it back but they realized that the bite victim should not walk or the poison would spread. The other man goes back to get help. He finds a phone and calls 911.

Man 1: Help, my friend got bit by a snake in the woods.
911 : You are going to have to suck out the poison till we can get there

Man goes back to the friend

Man 2: What did they say?
Man 1: You are going to die.

Wodnek · #44 01-06-2009, 05:54 PM

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, so he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads them into his truck, drives them into the woods, has s*e*x with them all, brings them back and, exhausted, goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging them, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

H-townbenzoboy · #45 01-16-2009, 12:46 AM

One day during relations, a husband asked his wife "Honey, how come you never let me know when you have an orgasm?" His wife replied "Well, you're never around when I have one."