funny joke
 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's new voluptous, young, wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her low cut dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you liked while you were under the table?' Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed �he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. After a fantastic time in bed, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. 'Did John come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked her 'Did he give you $500?'

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500'.

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Wow, now that is clever. :D :D

i was expecting the husband to know John had stopped by the house because his Mercedes Diesel had left an oil spot on the drive way.

That was good :D

awesome...
can we all post some ... interesting jokes here?
I have a nice one about a wife...
hardly diesel related though...

Wouldn't hurt to keep this thread as a joke repository. It's the old "If you provide a place, they won't invent one" philosophy. Keep all the random humor here :D

ROFLLLOLOLOL - I love it =)



-John

Little Johnny
 

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room
to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going
at it, behind her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the
door.
After business was finished, Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and
little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled,
"Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
Little Johnny replied,
"It's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?"

Dangerfield
 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Guy robs a bank and herds everyone in to the back room. "Did you see me rob the bank ?" he asked the first guy,,, " Well, yes" he said. BANG,,, shoots the guy in the head and moves to the next guy. "Did you see me rob the bank ?" "No" the guy says,,, "but my wife did."

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^^^^^^^And the fortune cookie afterwards, said: "THAT WASN'T CHICKEN"

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*** "Still a Virgin..." ***
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he ever did was look at it.

Husband # 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was....God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey M G Burg,
 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Good One!!!!

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A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, I'm gonna give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements: toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum i nto the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"