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#1
04-24-2008, 12:23 PM
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for those that use a haynes manual
for those that use a haynes manual
found this on a volvo site hope it's helpful HAYNES CAR REPAIR MANUAL - A TRANSLATION Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You WILL skin your knuckles. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in *#*#*#*#, matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten pound hammer. Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez! What was that? It nearly had my eye out!" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be defined as 'lightly'. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: But Bricks are easy to maintain right, right? So you think three spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance. Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and you won't find it! Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ... Translation: Snap off ... Haynes: Using a suitable drift ... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage. Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do! For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never look like that..." Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare to the plugs in your Brick? If you cannot locate the plugs in your Brick, see the last translation on the list! Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist ________________________________________ Printed from http://www.brickboard.com/, Mon Feb 4 11:46 CST 2008. © Copyright 1997-2002, Jarrod Stenberg 
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#2
04-24-2008, 12:27 PM
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That was pretty good!
__________________
1999 SL500 1969 280SE 2023 Ram 1500 2007 Tiara 3200
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#3
04-25-2008, 10:26 AM
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Being a Haynes Manual owner, I can attest to:
Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez! What was that? It nearly had my eye out!" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet part. Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ... Translation: Snap off ... BTW, has ANYONE on this forum been able to remove aged, heat-cured plastic fasteners w/o having them snap off?!! 
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2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle 2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car 2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver 2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car
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#4
04-25-2008, 10:42 AM
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Quote:
__________________
.  . M. G. Burg'10 - Dakota SXT - Daily Ride / ≈ 172.5K .'76 - 450SLC - 107.024.12 / < .89.20 K ..'77 - 280E - 123.033.12 / > 128.20 K ...'67 - El Camino - 283ci / > 207.00 K ....'75 - Yamaha - 650XS / < 21.00 K .....'87 - G20 Sportvan / > 206.00 K ......'85 - 4WINNS 160 I.O. / 140hp .......'74 - Honda CT70 / Real 125 . “I didn’t really say everything I said.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ~ Yogi Berra ~
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#5
04-25-2008, 12:23 PM
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I just get new ones because I know I'm going to snap them.
__________________
1999 SL500 1969 280SE 2023 Ram 1500 2007 Tiara 3200
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#6
04-25-2008, 05:59 PM
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I can coax them out sometimes. Most things if you have worked onthese cars as long as I have have a trick that helps to get them out or apart without destroying them.
Tom W
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[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.  [SIGPIC]..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.
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#7
04-26-2008, 08:01 AM
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The one that had me for a while was the advice to wash the air filter in "paraffin".
NOW I know that "paraffin" is British for " kerosene", but in American, is means "petroleum-based wax." Even I know that a wax-coated air filter will not work. The "Assembly is the reverse..." assumes that you saw that the tiny fork went between THOSE 2 pieces, instead of those two.... but you did not observe where that fork was because you were too busy dodging that tiny spring that came flying toward your eye....
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1982 300SD " Wotan" ..On the road as of Jan 8, 2007 with Historic Tags 
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