It's about time for a Joke thread

[Whiskeydan]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
ugly red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[al76slc]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copy the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.


"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,



"The word was.....................

CELEBRATE !

[Dee8go]

Good one!

[TX76513]

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked Santa at the airport one day.
When Santa got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.
The driver replied "Why? It`s for lining it up at people so you can run them down".
"Ah I see", said Santa.
With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at Santa who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open:
"I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!".

[LaRondo]

A man is travelling different religious places.
As he is visiting The Vatikan he comes across an unusual telephone booth.
Asking the guide about the phone, he get’s the following answer from the guide:

“Oh, that’s a direct line to God”

the man: “Wow, can I make a call?”

guide: “Sure. Will cost you $10,000”

the man: “Well, I don’t have $10K”

guide: “Can’t make the call …”

Next stop for the man is Jerusalem and as he is touring around The Temple Mount they come by a telephone booth as well.

the guide: ”Ah! That’s our direct line to God!”

the man: ”Wow, really!? Can I make a call?”

the guide: “Sure, absolutely! It’ll cost you 20, 000 English Pounds”

the man: “Well, I don’t have 20,000 Pounds”

the guide: “Can’t make the call, Sorry”

Next stop for the man is India and as he starts touring the first religious sites, he notices a similar but different phone booth.
So, he asks the guide, who respectfully answers:

“OH, Yes! This is our direct line to God” (Indian accent)

the man: “Can I make a call?”

the guide: “Sure, ofcourse.”

the man: “Really? How much does it cost?”

the guide: “Nothing”

the man in disbelief: “Nothing? You mean, it’s FREE !?”

the guide replies: “ Ofcourse, it's free! It’s a local call …”

[lovesafron]

When husband return from office his wife said with lots of worry and sadness on face "I am pregnant"
Husband said 'This is good news why you are so worried?'
Wife "I was beaten badly when i informed this one to my papa before 10 years"

[Carleton Hughes]

Priest and a Rabbi were walking home from an ecumenical service when they were approached by a mugger armed with a gun.

"Gimme all your money now!"demanded the armed miscreant.

The Priest pulls out his wallet and offers his cash,the Rabbi reaches in his pocket,pulls out a deuce and says"Hey Father,here's the 20 bucks I owe you"........

[LaRondo]

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and

one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they

decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going

to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a

very touching speech.



She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a

woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or

for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with

little in return.



As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[Matt L]

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punch line was too long.

[BAVBMW]

...And probably not moving at all...

MV

[Carleton Hughes]

Originally Posted by Matt L

I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown, but the punch line was too long.

Very good,Sport. That's a keeper

[LaRondo]

At the Austrian – Bavarian border 2 construction units show up to set new telephone poles. They decide to make it a competition.

First day, Austrian foreman reports to the main office:

“Set 5 poles today, Bavarian crew 10 poles.”

2. day he reports:

“7 more poles installed, Bavarian crew totals 25 poles today”

The main office responds:

“What the heck is wrong with you guys? Pick up the pace!

Foreman replies:

“Sure, but those Bavarians only dig in about 1/4 of each pole … “

[Carleton Hughes]

When they introduced pay as you leave taxis in Tel Aviv in the '50's several old men were found dead in the backseat next day...............

[Larry Delor]

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

[Wodnek]

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this: On your way home from
work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table, or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins: Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested, and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson.

Have a nice day and remember, "There is always someone with a job that
is worse than yours."