My oldest is 20. We sent him off to central coast California two years ago to attend college. Since then he got kicked out of the big school and signed up at a junior college out there. He has reduced his school work to 2 or 3 classes and his grades are poor. We are still paying his room and expenses.

Thing is he is a smart kid. He built a hovercraft out of spare parts in the garage, and likes to work with his hands. We figured maybe he is not cut out for academic life and should get a regular job for a while. Money does not seem to motivate him, and his eyes glaze over when we talk about 'planning for the future'. We can't tell if he has deep-rooted problems or is just lazy. Most people that meet him say he is a likeable normal guy, and would never guess these problems.

He said he is looking for work so he can start to pay his way, but so far nothing except for some oddball short term stuff. I thought the military might help, but I've heard that after basic training, he would have more opportunities to slack off again. He disclosed to us that he drinks and has dabbled in drugs. That's why I'm very hesitant to bring him back home and possibly have a bad influence on his younger sibblings, who are doing well.

We could withhold financial help and watch him crash and burn. He is already half a step away from becoming a street bum, but then what? Just fishing for any and all suggestions here.

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1985 380SE Blue/Blue - 230,000 miles
2012 Subaru Forester 5-speed
2005 Toyota Sienna
2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible
1999 Toyota Tacoma

The crash and burn is sometimes what is needed. It happened to me at an early age but it took my brother into his 30's for a crash and burn to turn him around. He even went into the Air Force. He excelled in boot camp but washed out of his studies due to being too close to Bourbon Street and the party life.

My parents tried to keep helping him, but it was just enabling him ... he even says that these days.

I know all cases are unique, but it seems to me that the only thing that fosters change in these situations is the person coming to the realization that they need to help themselves. Once they get a taste of accomplishment, things get easier. That's my 2¢ anyway.

EDIT: Oh yeah, my mom and I had the "street bum" conversation more times than a can recall. My bro never let himself get that far. I guess the fear of that reality motivated him.

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Chad
2006 Nissan Pathfinder LE
1998 Acura 3.0 CL
OBK#44
"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work." - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

SOLD
1985 300TD - Red Dragon
1986 300SDL - Coda
1991 - 300TE
1995 - E320
1985 300CD - Gladys

Stop supporting him, the fear of moving in with mom and dad or going on the street motivates people.

Was he at UC Santa Cruz and where is he now exactly?

He seems like a mechanically minded person.

What are his interests and what gets him really motivated (even if it's something miniscule)?

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1974 240D 3.0L 4(M) - 250K -OM617.910 + 300D FW + Rajay turbo power!
1977 6.9 3(A) - 84k

I agree 100%.

It's hard to say do this or don't do that since you know your son better than we could. There is a possibility he has issues like depression, and this is a symptom rather than the problem. I suffered from depression midway through college, quit and went back home and did pretty much nothing.


Having said that, paying his way is a crutch for him to stagnate. As Chad said, the change has to come from within, but he's in this holding pattern in part because he has some safety. I would suggest that maybe telling him that the expense of keeping him there is too high, and offer him coming home or picking up some of the burden. If he's depressed, neither will change that, but he may function and/or engage the world a little more when forced to pick up any job that comes along.

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1984 300TD

My brother was like that also. My parents "enabled" him for awhile but finally cut him off, which forced him to finally get going. Some people have to hit bottom before they will motivate and see the light of day. You have to let him hit bottom, to really help him... enabling isn't helping, it's only prolonging the inevitable. You will have to be strong during this learning and growing experience he is going to go through.

My brother got pretty hungry and dirty before he decided working and not using drugs was a good idea. It worked though...

I know you want your child to succeed, you don't want him drifting thru life, you are obviously concerned about his well being. That being said...

Do not finance his lifestyle. He doesn't work/care because he doesn't have to. Cut the umbilical. If he doesn't figger out pretty quick that being a bum is a choice and that being a bum SUCKS, then there isn't much else you can do.

Support him emotionally, but @ a distance, do not coddle him, and do not give him $.

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Cheers,
Robert

wow...I'm getting worried. this is like the 3rd or 4th unmotivated son on Msshop. I have 2 sons (age 2yrs or less) and I'm getting worried about how they will turn out. I might have to go back to the VW forum, none of them seem to have lazy sons =)

to the OP - I'd vote to let him go and stop helping
1) If he has been near drugs in the past, he might go back, you don't need that in your house.
2) Do your best to let him know that you love him, but...
3) Lay down a clear line "ie- we will take you back home or help you if you do this- and this- and... be very specific and don't deviate. if he wants it enough, he'll play by your rules. This may or may not help the younger sibilings also (seeing what you are capable of ?)
4) I think that people with "deep-rooted" problems are in the minority. Adults with ADD and other "mental" issues are able to functional perfectly fine in society (graduate college, hold down jobs) and unless he was witness to a mass murder of his best friends, I'd discount the deep-rooted problems (unless there is more to this story)

There are a few others here who can sympathize better than I. These are my opinions only.

-John

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2009 Kia Sedona
2009 Honda Odyssey EX-L
12006 Jetta Pumpe Duse
(insert Mercedes here)

Husband, Father, sometimes friend =)

What is his motivation? He is 20, Mom and Dad are young enough to support him for the foreseeable future. WGAS? You are his enabler. You are the one that is telling him he doesn't have to grow up. Until you tell him different by cutting support off, why should he grow up.

Does it mean you don't help him at all? No. It means that you help him by INVESTING in him and not giving him a handout. OK. He wants to start a shop, fair enough, help him out. He wants to go to school, fine. Give him money. HOWEVER, that assistance is NOT unconditional. For instance, if you don't show that you are making at least straight "B"s, financial aid is cut off. He wants to start a repair shop? Fine. I'll finance you. HOWEVER, I MUST see that you are putting your back into it. So, if you are working 16 hrs a day and still not making it, I will help. If you are working 2 hrs a day and not making it, I'm out of here.

__________________
01 Ford Excursion Powerstroke
99 E300 Turbodiesel
91 Vette with 383 motor
05 Polaris Sportsman 800 EFI
06 Polaris Sportsman 500 EFI
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Red
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Yellow
04 Tailgator 21 ft Toy Hauler
11 Harley Davidson 883 SuperLow

Ray,

I'm not a parent, but we're working on it

I can tell you anecdotally from my life experience as well as my wife's oldest brother: the more you support, the less growing that person will experience. For my oldest brother, he's always received some type of on-going financial support from my parents. He was not as academically accomplished as I was, but he's not a dumb guy either. He's held down stable jobs and probably has a net worth greater than me at this point because he's stayed with good companies. However, he lacks the ambition to move up in the ranks and does not pursue higher degrees because he knows that he has a built in monthly buffer from the folks.

Did i mention he is 40 years old?

Similarly, my brother-in-law...shoot, where do i start with him!??! He too is 40, not married, and has cruised through life on the dole of his mother. The mom has never worked a day in her life (ok, dabbled in real estate for a year as I am told), and throws money at him whenever there is a manufactured crisis. In the almost 10 yrs I've been married, my BIL has had 2 jobs. In the past 6 years, he's held 1 full time job. However, about 4 years ago, my father in law laid the big stick down and told my MIL to not support him anymore. So he found a job (not a great one, but still a job), moved out of his expensive Haight Ashbury apt w/ a view apartment, sold his Ducati (all of this paid by mom's checks), and moved to a more reasonable place paid by him in Belmont. He found a girlfriend, dated her, but she kicked him out of her life after he lost his job and decided that the best course of action was to obtain a 2nd master's degree in Accounting. Nevermind that he graduated from a top 20 MBA program in 1999.

I really should not offer any advice to you given that i have not spent 1 day as a parent and don't know and your son personally, but i know from my own personal experience and observations that my brother and my truly unmotivated/lazy brother are both not helped by subsizing their lifestyles.

That is pretty much what is needed.

I unfortunately fit the mold almost to a tee from the first post. I constantly blamed all sorts of failures to external issues. And it was convenient while daddy still fueled the funds.

I didn't straighten things out until I got the ultimatum. At first I improved via "baby steps" while at home, managed to parlay mediocre effort into a college degree, but when I had enough resources and skills to strike out on my own, the failures erupted once again. Losing job after job, my dad helped me out financially to survive at bare minimum, until all at once, he cut me off completely.

Once the cold harsh reality kicked in, I had to realize that only I could change my failure-prone behavior. So I eventually found (and kept) a steady job, worked on my graduate degree (and maintained solid grades and not just passing), and eventually got out of the rut.

Some people need that to get straight. My brother never flailed and today has a very successful medical practice. Me, on the other hand, wasted about a decade of my life screwing around before I saw the light.

That was over two decades ago, and being responsible for a family these days keeps me fearful of EVER reverting to that self-destructive behavior.

__________________
2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle
2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car
2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver
2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car

Give him a thirty day notice and cut the funds. For whatever reason, he is disconnected from the consequences of his actions/choices. Humans only learn by experiencing consequences and/or watching others experience them and empathizing. This is why artificial support is unsustainable. The recipient will not learn the skills necessary to survive and he'll fall into decline until even the support will not be enough to save him from himself. He will need more and more to compensate for unwise choices until the provident can no longer contribute. Sadly but surely, the longer you wait the harder the fall and the less likely he'll be equipped to recover. He didn't develop theses character deficiencies overnight.

He is in SLO, originally going to Cal Poly. I don't know what motivates him anymore. He likes rock concerts and Corvettes. He is an excellent writer.

We partially cut him off once. He then leached money off his friends promising to pay it back. They then turned around and pleaded to us for help and we ended up reimbursing them.

__________________
1985 380SE Blue/Blue - 230,000 miles
2012 Subaru Forester 5-speed
2005 Toyota Sienna
2004 Chrysler Sebring convertible
1999 Toyota Tacoma

IOW, you added a middleman when you gave him the money. You should have told them "Sorry, I didn't borrow from you. He is legal age. Take it up with him.".

__________________
01 Ford Excursion Powerstroke
99 E300 Turbodiesel
91 Vette with 383 motor
05 Polaris Sportsman 800 EFI
06 Polaris Sportsman 500 EFI
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Red
03 SeaDoo GTX SC Yellow
04 Tailgator 21 ft Toy Hauler
11 Harley Davidson 883 SuperLow

Your heart says he is still your son and you will do anything to help him. Trouble is, the quick-fix help is actually hurting you and him. Objectivity is clouded my the mists of parental love.
Do what your head says in this case. Do what you would tell your neighbor or co-worker to do were he in your shoes.

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1983 M-B 240D-Gone too.
1976 M-B 300D-Departed.

"Good" is the worst enemy of "Great".