A Violent Kid - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

raymr · #1 05-09-2009, 02:31 PM

Maybe somebody here has some insight or past experience?

My sister-in-law in LA has 2 kids. The boy is 8, the girl is 6. The boy has a history of bullying other kids. He is also very bossy at home, and if he doesn't get his way, he throws a major fit and starts hitting and punching anyone or anything in sight. His parents believe that they should give him free reign, and never tell him 'no'.

It is now to the point where he got kicked out of scouts and other after school activities, and his mom has to come to the school twice a day to deal with his bad behavior. He also now has a college-age mentor who stays with him through most of the school day to act as his grown-up 'buddy'. I don't think the kid has any real friends. Last week he was in the middle of a fight on the playground. The mentor and a teacher were holding him down, while that section of the school was evacuated. When they let him go, he wound up and punched the mentor in the face, resulting in a 3 day suspension.

The kid calls the shots at home, and he insults visitors without reprimand from his parents. He has never been spanked or even scolded. Just a cooing "let's do this instead" kind of thing. I'm afraid for her and whats going to happen when he's 15 or 16 and physically stronger than she is. I told her that her son should not be the boss of the house, and she agrees but she seems helpless as to what to do. His dad is developing a short fuse with all this and faces other personal issues. So far they have not tried any meds for ADD or hyperactivity. My gut instinct would be to give the kid a big smack across the face next time he acts up, just to reestablish the pecking order, but I wouldn't even try suggesting that.

Kuan · #2 05-09-2009, 02:35 PM

Maybe he is ADHD or something.

Skippy · #3 05-09-2009, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raymr

His parents believe that they should give him free reign, and never tell him 'no'.

The kid calls the shots at home, and he insults visitors without reprimand from his parents. He has never been spanked or even scolded.

There's the problem right there.

Quote:

My gut instinct would be to give the kid a big smack across the face next time he acts up, just to reestablish the pecking order, but I wouldn't even try suggesting that.

That may take a few "treatments" to become effective. The important thing is consistency. The mindfawks these days are calling this behavior "Opositional Defiant Disorder" which I translate as "needs his a-- whooped".

R Leo · #4 05-09-2009, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raymr

My gut instinct would be to give the kid a big smack across the face next time he acts up, just to reestablish the pecking order, but I wouldn't even try suggesting that.

No, not that; violence isn't the answer.

That young man needs help, his parents need help too. Seek out a program in your area like this ASAP:

CARY - Council on At-Risk Youth

I know this works.

Hatterasguy · #5 05-09-2009, 03:05 PM

The problem is they don't keep him in line. If I pulled that when I was his age and I did once or twice, WHAM I got the belt...never did it again.

When the kid mouth's off his mom needs to slap him in the back and send him to his room for a bit to think about his actions. My mom was very good about taking away things I liked, I lost TV for a month once!

jplinville · #6 05-09-2009, 03:07 PM

Looks like a kid that needs to be taken behind the wood shed and dealt with. always worked for me when I was growing up, and works for my kids as well.

Hatterasguy · #7 05-09-2009, 03:12 PM

Its like my dads friends little brat who was throwing rocks at my Mercedes last year when we were camping. After being told to stop over a dozen times in two days and ignoring everyone, my buddy and I picked him up by the ankles and gave him a swirlie.

He is now VERY respectful of cars.

raymr · #8 05-09-2009, 03:27 PM

I kinda know what he needs, but his parents would rather get all kinds of outside intervention (I think they are getting some psychologist help through the public school system), and not deal with the uncomfortable truth about their non-discipline strategy. She still believes in what she's doing, but I sense dad is having some doubts. She wants a sweet pacifist loving family, but its not working out that way.

tonkovich · #9 05-09-2009, 03:32 PM

hitting the kid is illegal (and ineffective)

why is he so angry?

raymr · #10 05-09-2009, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tonkovich

hitting the kid is illegal (and ineffective)

why is he so angry?

He's been getting away with stuff for so long, that any hint at taking away his control brings on a backlash. He usually seems like a nice kid, but little things send him over the edge like a powder keg and he suddenly becomes hostile and moody.

He is also smarter than average, and he uses that to his advantage to manipulate his parents to get what he wants. His negotiations usually end up with him getting a soda or ice cream as a consolation. On our last visit there, instead of saying goodbye and a hug, he said that he hopes our plane crashes on the way home. Maybe because we were sleeping in his room for those few days? I hate to think of what goes on there day to day but it can't be good.

Skippy · #11 05-09-2009, 04:11 PM

If the parents are unwilling or unable to provide the discipline and structure this kid needs, is there a military school they can send him to? That should straighten him right out.

tankdriver · #12 05-09-2009, 04:38 PM

At his age, I doubt there is much you or they can do even if they wanted to. I would however, let her know that she didn't do her child any favors by abdicating her discipline responsibilities.
You don't need to hit a kid to get them to behave, but you do need to instill consequences for their actions very early. It's mostly simply tone of voice.
My niece is 6, and because her parents would tell her not to do something, but not stop her or punish her if she did, she now needs to be told 4 or 5 times before she'll stop doing something.
My nieces are over here a lot. Since I've been around them a lot since birth, and scolded or disciplined them when they were out of line at my place, they listen to me when they won't listen to their parents. There's no downside, I still get 'jumpy-hugs' (ie they run and crash into me) when we meet.

1stimer · #13 05-09-2009, 04:43 PM

These aggressive behaviors are serving a function for the boy. He has learned that he can get what he wants by exhibiting these behaviors. Can we blame him for doing what works? Treatment is going to require a lot of work, and things will get worse before they get better. He needs to learn alternative responses that get his needs met, but will also need to learn that no means no. If "no" only means no until he acts aggressively and then it means "yes", then he will continue to act this way. The parents are reinforcing this behavior and ensuring that it will displayed more frequently. The parents behavior is being negatively reinforced. When they give in to him, he stops. Makes it more likely that they will continue to give in. The parents need to change their behavior, and like I said it is going to get worse before it gets better. Ask mom if she thinks what she is doing is working? She has to set limits NOW! Children need limits and boundaries...it makes them feel safe. Good luck.

tankdriver · #14 05-09-2009, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1stimer

These aggressive behaviors are serving a function for the boy. He has learned that he can get what he wants by exhibiting these behaviors. Can we blame him for doing what works?

The negative reinforcement also affects his ability to feel empathy. He hasn't just learned behavior=results. He's learned that satisfying himself trumps other people's rights and feelings.

GL to you raymr and your brother's family. This will be difficult.

toomany MBZ · #15 05-09-2009, 05:09 PM

Without consequences, there is chaos. There's the proof.
Wake up parents!