The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duc tape is like “The Force.” It has a light side and a dark side
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it..

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.


A teacher in New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked little Johnny why he decided to be Different...Again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher said, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said,'Because I'm a conservative. '

The teacher asked why he's a conservative.

Little Johnny answered,'Well, My Mom's a conservative and my Dad's a conservative, so I'm a conservative. '

The teacher asks, 'If your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.'

Could easily insert "BUSH" there are well.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

'Sir, did you call for me?'

Bob replies: 'No, what do you mean?' She says: 'You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies that you called for me.' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, relaxes down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



Bob continues exploring the facilities.



He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says: 'Sir, did you call for me?' Bob replies: 'No, what do you mean?' The Huge Man: 'You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it impliesyou called for me.' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.



Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: 'May I help you?'

Bob says: 'Here is your card and key back.You can keep the $500 joining fee.'

Receptionist: 'But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.. ...'

Bob replies: 'Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.'