Mostly one-liners
 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that.... 2:30 am?! Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the dirty dishes are piling up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "I think you're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend....yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

The irate wife says to her husband, "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night, that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

My wife has been missing for a week now. The police told me to prepare for the worst. So now, I have to go back to Goodwill and get all her clothes back.

Good ones Bot. :D

Thanks for the needed laughs! :P

Perfect. I ran out of cheese and haven't laughed all day.:D

I like to cut the cheese often. :D:rolleyes:

:D:D

Thanks Bot. I just extremely frustrated on a door lock repair and needed a good laugh :)

Here's one.

Here is sit all broken hearted, tried to $hit but only farted. :rolleyes::D

:D
What do brussel sprouts and butt-sex have in common......If you didn't like it as a child, you probably wont like it as an adult..

Late on I took a chance, tried to fart and $hit my pants.

How about this one.

Here I sit in my stinking vapor, all because I can't reach the toilet paper. How long should I sit and linger, before I have to use my finger. :D:rolleyes::eek:

I'm sittin on a toilet, in a house I dont know, look all around me and think where'd the toilet paper go, Feelin real uneasy, Feelin so uncertain, cuz I gotta wipe my butt again, in the shower curtain...

Wow, I've never heard that one before, did you make it up yourself? :rolleyes:

oh no. from stuff I hear etc. from a comedian of sorts