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  #1  
Old 03-06-2013, 04:54 AM
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The growing pains of a young man...Difficult to watch.

My son and his girlfriend of almost 9 months broke up last night. He came down the stairs after a phone call with her, set the phone on my table, and then broke down when giving me a hug.

It seems that when he was home last week with bronchitis, his girlfriend was playing the "trust game" with another boy...his close friend. I'm not sure yet what hurt him the most, losing the girl, or losing the friend.

My wife said she wants to talk with the girl's mother, to let her know what kind of games her daughter plays while she's at work...I told my wife to let it go, that it's part of growing up, and goes a long way to make him a stronger and deeper man.

As a dad, it hurts to see my boy hurt like this, but at the same time, I see it as a stepping stone to manhood. For now, I'll help pick up the pieces, plant some seeds in his mind, and make him stronger for the next time...and show him that I'm here for him.

It was easier as a dad to handle the heartbreak my oldest daughter went through with her heartbreak, especially when the young lad cursed me out in front of my children...I was kind enough to only introduce him to the effects of gravity on concrete, and stopped short of introducing him to the hospital. That was easy...this isn't, because there's nothing more I can do, other than raise him right.

Let's hear how you fathers handle things like this...

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  #2  
Old 03-06-2013, 07:32 AM
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You already did the right thing with your son. I have nothing more useful I can add.
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  #3  
Old 03-06-2013, 07:49 AM
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My son the microbiology nerd is unexplainably attracted to "artsy" girls. Always has been. Perhaps because he finds them exotic compared to the country girls he grew up with. You know the kind; black fingernails, nose rings. They write moody "poetry" and are emotionally needy. He keeps getting his heart broken by these vampires. I've said all I can say to him and now I just sit back and bite my tongue. I think he's finally figuring it out. So far there's no permanent damage and he's grown wiser for it. He's not an otherwise self destructive kid so I don't really worry about it.
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  #4  
Old 03-06-2013, 08:06 AM
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what is the "trust" game?
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  #5  
Old 03-06-2013, 08:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E150GT View Post
what is the "trust" game?
Do you trust me enough that I can screw your best friend while you're home sick? If you do, I win.
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  #6  
Old 03-06-2013, 08:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jplinville View Post
My son and his girlfriend of almost 9 months broke up last night. He came down the stairs after a phone call with her, set the phone on my table, and then broke down when giving me a hug.

It seems that when he was home last week with bronchitis, his girlfriend was playing the "trust game" with another boy...his close friend. I'm not sure yet what hurt him the most, losing the girl, or losing the friend.

My wife said she wants to talk with the girl's mother, to let her know what kind of games her daughter plays while she's at work...I told my wife to let it go, that it's part of growing up, and goes a long way to make him a stronger and deeper man.

As a dad, it hurts to see my boy hurt like this, but at the same time, I see it as a stepping stone to manhood. For now, I'll help pick up the pieces, plant some seeds in his mind, and make him stronger for the next time...and show him that I'm here for him.

It was easier as a dad to handle the heartbreak my oldest daughter went through with her heartbreak, especially when the young lad cursed me out in front of my children...I was kind enough to only introduce him to the effects of gravity on concrete, and stopped short of introducing him to the hospital. That was easy...this isn't, because there's nothing more I can do, other than raise him right.

Let's hear how you fathers handle things like this...

You're not a good Father JP, you're a GREAT Father!

I think your son MIGHT be experiencing a valuable blessing in disguise. There's no way he could see it this way at this point, but it might be.

It is a sad fact that there are very few people that you can trust these days. He not only is in the process of learning this and as a result developing a detection and defense mechanism, but he has learned that SHE is one not to be trusted.

With you to guide him and support him, he can't lose. The fact that he confided in you so deeply is a sure indication, that you and he are connected and he is learning and receiving your ethics and general understanding of the world.

Great job!
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  #7  
Old 03-06-2013, 08:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elchivito View Post
Do you trust me enough that I can screw your best friend while you're home sick? If you do, I win.
Oh. That sucks
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  #8  
Old 03-06-2013, 09:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E150GT View Post
what is the "trust" game?
Starting below the knee, move the hand up while asking if she trusts you...use your imagination for the ending of the game, if she always says yes.
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  #9  
Old 03-06-2013, 09:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Air&Road View Post
You're not a good Father JP, you're a GREAT Father!

I think your son MIGHT be experiencing a valuable blessing in disguise. There's no way he could see it this way at this point, but it might be.

It is a sad fact that there are very few people that you can trust these days. He not only is in the process of learning this and as a result developing a detection and defense mechanism, but he has learned that SHE is one not to be trusted.

With you to guide him and support him, he can't lose. The fact that he confided in you so deeply is a sure indication, that you and he are connected and he is learning and receiving your ethics and general understanding of the world.

Great job!
Thanks.

The boy and I are very close, and growing closer as time goes on. I have the relationship with him that I wish I had with my dad...My dad was of the mindset that kids are to be seen and not heard, and that they are a necessary evil when young, and useful workers as they grow into their teens. We were close, only after I was old enough to work for him.

My son talks more to his sister, and she filters the info to me...so I knew about what happened before he said anything to me.

They're home today due to 8" of snow that's hit us, so he'll have a day to clear his head before going back to school. We'll spend most of the time in the basement workshop, talking about farts, girls and dogs.
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Meet on the level, leave on the square. Great words to live by

Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. - Thomas Jefferson: Autobiography, 1821.
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  #10  
Old 03-06-2013, 09:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jplinville View Post
Thanks.

The boy and I are very close, and growing closer as time goes on. I have the relationship with him that I wish I had with my dad...My dad was of the mindset that kids are to be seen and not heard, and that they are a necessary evil when young, and useful workers as they grow into their teens. We were close, only after I was old enough to work for him.

My son talks more to his sister, and she filters the info to me...so I knew about what happened before he said anything to me.

They're home today due to 8" of snow that's hit us, so he'll have a day to clear his head before going back to school. We'll spend most of the time in the basement workshop, talking about farts, girls and dogs.
as you said part of growing up.. I feel you did the right thing, Spending the day with him is good, on the subject of the ol' Flatus, thats a never exhaust...ing supply of fun
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  #11  
Old 03-06-2013, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Air&Road View Post
You're not a good Father JP, you're a GREAT Father!

I think your son MIGHT be experiencing a valuable blessing in disguise. There's no way he could see it this way at this point, but it might be.

It is a sad fact that there are very few people that you can trust these days. He not only is in the process of learning this and as a result developing a detection and defense mechanism, but he has learned that SHE is one not to be trusted.

With you to guide him and support him, he can't lose. The fact that he confided in you so deeply is a sure indication, that you and he are connected and he is learning and receiving your ethics and general understanding of the world.

Great job!
I went through this with my son about two years ago, got the phone calls in the middle of the night, talked to him until he was tired enpough to go to sleep. It all turned out ok.
Time heals all wounds, I remember when it happened to me 40 years ago...
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  #12  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elchivito View Post
Do you trust me enough that I can screw your best friend while you're home sick? If you do, I win.
Man, I hate that game...I always lost :p


Sounds like you're on the right track with him, that's just the way it goes sometimes. Especially with the younger women. World of a difference when you date someone who's over 25
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  #13  
Old 03-06-2013, 01:27 PM
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Went through something similar to your son about a year ago, at 28yo, it doesn't get easier, but being older and hopefully wiser, I didn't introduce my friend to my fist. I simply told him to get the frak out of my life.

I don't miss the girl. But my friend had been in my life much longer, so loosing him still stings a little. But like you said these kinds of things are part of being a man, and how you deal with these problems makes you the kind of man you are.

Dwelling on these kinds of problems are a waste of precious time and energy. Telling your wife to let it go is exactly what everyone needs to do here. From this moment on your son should be investing his time and energy in being productive and positive.

After loosing my friend I think a lot of my dad. I'm so much like him looking at his life is like a road map as to where I'm going. Of course I try to learn from his mistakes, but the fact that some qualities of my character are so similar, its what makes it possible for me to learn from him. My dad only has 3-5 really truly close friends. In high school I had about 15 "good friends" those numbers keep dropping. I'm starting to learn why the old man had such a small friend pool. Because quality friend are more important then quantity. Not saying my dad isn't friendly with a lot of people. But when it comes to someone he can trust, that pool is pretty small.

Your son is learning that part of the lesson now. Loosing his friend is going to hurt him, but it will make him appreciate his true friends more. he will learn to make better friends, and in the end he will have people he truly can trust by his side. I think thats the whole point of friendship.

You being there for your son is great! He is looking to you as I look at my dad. He may not talk to you about every thing in his life; but I can tell you, having a dad who I respect, I look to him as a model more often then I like to admit.
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  #14  
Old 03-06-2013, 01:49 PM
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I went through that enough times that I eventually came up with a plan B and sometimes even a plan C.

Every girl I ever cryed over often didn't deserve that consideration at the end of the day. After I had my heart stomped on enough times I started to limit my exposure by having other options. Not being able to swim, I decided that being thrown from the boat in the middle of the stream was no better than jumping overboard and try to swim to shore. Either way I was gonna go under and not be seen again for a while.

So, I kept my options open, stayed with the better ones and moved on if they weren't working out. Once I left the usual problems behind and focused more on who I was with, things went better. However, I was well into my late 30's by this time and had some expirience behind me while 20 year olds have a way of taking everything to heart.

You don't own who you are with. They may stay with you for a variety of reasons and every relationship will be different from the next. 9 months is long enough to get hooked and betrayal is a hard thing to deal with.

I once asked a gir out that a buddy of mine was dating. No real relationship to speak of and he told me he wasn't interested in her. We went to a movie - no big deal. I knew she wasn't interested in me but I'm not sure why she agreed to the date. I wasn't out of her door and in my car before she called my buddy. When I got home an hour later he called me and made it very clear that you never fish from your buddies dock. Years later when a long term girlfriend made a play for him he turned her down - just like a real buddy should do.
I was told she did it to shake me up - it did. She wanted to get married but I never trusted her after that and 4 months later we split up. What she did was secondary to how she did it. After she had control of everything ( for a while ) I saw a complete change in attitude - demanding, critical, uncommitted, uncaring. All from a person I knew 4 1/2 years who was anything like those things. Once a woman cools off, she rarely ever warms back up to you.

Your son's ex already moved on a while ago and long before this happened. I take it she told him what happened over the phone and that she didn't want to go out with him any more? She could have skipped the details but she needed this diversion to make herself actually split up with him. She likely didn't want to go any further in the relationship but didn't really want to swim to shore either. Odds are this new deal won't last very long.
Tell him he's lucky to be rid of her. He won't feel that way right now - that will come later.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:42 PM
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The more he goes through it now, likely the less he will have to once he gets a bit older since he will have a better feel for who he can trust. Never fun to watch though, poor kid. He's lucky to have such a supportive father.

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