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  #1  
Old 09-24-2013, 09:34 PM
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Question for guys who have been through divorce/custody.

So, a friend is going through a pretty nasty divorce and he's currently negotiating custody of their young daughter (<10).

Up until now, the wife has been utterly crazy, she's really snapped and lost her mind, causing trouble at every turn, screaming at the guy every time he goes by the house to pick up his kid, etc...

He has totally been thrown for a loop by this, basically, she lost her mind and threw him out of the house.

Anyway, suddenly, she has had a change of heart and says that if he goes to counseling, she will agree to a amiable split and custody of the daughter. Now, to me, this smells like a rat because the soon to be ex has been seeing this counselor for some time now and it seems too convenient for her to change her tune this quick.

So, my question is this: If the guy sees this counselor, is there any way that this can change his eligibility for custody? Does seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist "taint" a person in the eyes of the law and make them less likely to gain custody?

It may be just my paranoia talking but I'm just trying to keep him from compromising his ability to see his daughter. It may all be nothing but she sure changed her stripes pretty quick and that just didn't sound right for her to come up with such a plan.

Thanks in advance...

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  #2  
Old 09-24-2013, 10:00 PM
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Sounds like he should probably be speaking to counsel about this - AFAIK, custody laws vary between states.
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  #3  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KarTek View Post
So, a friend is going through a pretty nasty divorce and he's currently negotiating custody of their young daughter (<10).

Up until now, the wife has been utterly crazy, she's really snapped and lost her mind, causing trouble at every turn, screaming at the guy every time he goes by the house to pick up his kid, etc...

He has totally been thrown for a loop by this, basically, she lost her mind and threw him out of the house.

Anyway, suddenly, she has had a change of heart and says that if he goes to counseling, she will agree to a amiable split and custody of the daughter. Now, to me, this smells like a rat because the soon to be ex has been seeing this counselor for some time now and it seems too convenient for her to change her tune this quick.

So, my question is this: If the guy sees this counselor, is there any way that this can change his eligibility for custody? Does seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist "taint" a person in the eyes of the law and make them less likely to gain custody?

It may be just my paranoia talking but I'm just trying to keep him from compromising his ability to see his daughter. It may all be nothing but she sure changed her stripes pretty quick and that just didn't sound right for her to come up with such a plan.

Thanks in advance...
Pics. of friend's Wife?
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Old 09-25-2013, 03:40 AM
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Does he want to try and save the marriage?

If so there is nothing wrong with him going to the counselor in a joint session.

There's no point in him going alone to her counselor, though.

And if it's over no matter what, then there's no point in him going, either.

Good luck to him.
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Old 09-25-2013, 04:04 AM
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I'm more or less in the same boat at the moment. Here in Holland I am told that the courts look favourably on both parents if they have accepted and been through a process of partnership therapy.

My advice is to agree to partnership therapy so long as it is with an accredited therapist - there's no use going to see some witch doctor who's done an online course. Furthermore I think it is only correct that an independent therapist who has no knowledge so far of the situation should be chosen. I have yet to meet a therapist who behaves in an independent professional manner =>

The reality is that as a man you are at a major disadvantage if you want to see your kids. The whole system is geared to the benefit of the mother - no matter what she does or what she has done. This is a first world sickness. It is totally sexist. It is completely unreasonable.
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  #6  
Old 09-25-2013, 04:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stretch View Post
I'm more or less in the same boat at the moment. Here in Holland I am told that the courts look favourably on both parents if they have accepted and been through a process of partnership therapy.

My advice is to agree to partnership therapy so long as it is with an accredited therapist - there's no use going to see some witch doctor who's done an online course. Furthermore I think it is only correct that an independent therapist who has no knowledge so far of the situation should be chosen. I have yet to meet a therapist who behaves in an independent professional manner =>

reality is that as a man you are at a major disadvantage if you want to see your kids. The whole system is geared to the benefit of the mother - no matter what she does or what she has done. This is a first world sickness. It is totally sexist. It is completely unreasonable

Totally agree with this, as I personally am a living testament to that kind of treatment.

I truly hope that she does not decide to use the ULTIMATE atomic bomb on you:

A false accusation that you abused the children.

How can you PROVE the negative?

That never happened to me, because I would not let it. I had to decide to NEVER have children because of this. A Hobson's choice, I think it is called.


Agree with the comments made about counseling, but it needs to be a neutral, disinterested and qualified therapist _ NOT one SHE is already seeing.


Marriage itself to me is God's sacrament, something to be exalted and revered; I always felt that way and still do.

BUT: The Courts in the USA have imposed a horrible template on top of it, designed to totally ruin the life of the male divorcing partner.


It happens every day, regardless of culpability.

And every female is aware of it, not that all of them take full advantage of it.


Get the best lawyer you can find, If it is a good one, MAYBE you stand a chance.

But I am not optimistic, though I wish your friend well.
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  #7  
Old 09-25-2013, 04:35 AM
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Exclamation You had to ask. DINT CHOO???!!

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Originally Posted by Skid Row Joe View Post
Pics. of friend's Wife?
Well ok.

Here you go..

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Old 09-25-2013, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Jim B. View Post
Well ok.

Here you go..


God, I hate to see that happen to a Porsche!
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  #9  
Old 09-25-2013, 07:44 AM
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I've been through a divorce but it was 40 years ago. A lot has changed since then. A lot of the OP questions answers may vary from local to local and from judge to judge. My advice is find a lawyer you like and who is respected and put it all in their hands. And don't let material things get in the way of a settlement. Put the children first as they will suffer the most and be affected by the mistakes of the parents for the rest of their lives. Always try to make the marriage work if it is possible and if both will work at it.
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Old 09-25-2013, 08:23 AM
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Mine was ages ago and quite amiable. We are all still friends. Nobody was trying to punish anybody else. I can't offer much in the way of advice.
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  #11  
Old 09-25-2013, 08:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KarTek View Post
...So, my question is this: If the guy sees this counselor, is there any way that this can change his eligibility for custody? Does seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist "taint" a person in the eyes of the law and make them less likely to gain custody?...
Your friend needs the advice of a divorce lawyer familiar with the way things are done in that jurisdiction. That said, my guess, is that seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist does the opposite of what you fear. Were I the judge, I would see it as a positive thing. Like I said, though, I am not qualified to advise anyone on this sort of thing.
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2013, 12:16 PM
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Each case is so unique, it would be nearly impossible to offer predictive advice.
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  #13  
Old 09-25-2013, 01:44 PM
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I'm newly divorced, December 2012, in the state of TN. Here's what I would encourage your friend to do:

1) Hire a divorce lawyer and ask all the questions; my divorce lawyer was great about answering emails; he preferred emails to phone calls.

2) If your friend is in a position to provide 100% care for his daughter and is willing to, it might be best for his child for him to have sole temporary custody. The mother might need a break in parental duties. The divorce lawyer can help determine.

3) The court system in TN requires Mediation attempts to resolve differences. I encouraged my ex to work out the issues in mediation. The resesults from our initial mediation session, while a starting point, changed significantly before our divorce was finalized.

4) I'm guessing your friend was the one to leave the wife --- if so, there is a disease called, SWS (Scorned Woman Syndrone) that afflicts the woman left behind. My divorce lawyer is credited with informing me about SWS. My ex acted in a way that I had never seen before. Go figure.

Hope this helps. If you or your friend want to discuss privately, shoot me a PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-25-2013, 02:04 PM
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A false accusation that you abused the children.
Two can play at that game, BTW ... funny how someone might get pulled over with a bag of heroin and a syringe in her car.
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  #15  
Old 09-25-2013, 03:04 PM
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Divorces are quite ugly...especially when kids are involved. I, like many here, would suggest a lawyer, like, yesterday!

I'll go further...don't allow him to enter into any counseling with her, especially if she's been seeing the doc or counselor for awhile...they are automatically biased. Have him demand that a disinterested doc step in for counseling...one not known by either party or either attorney. My ex started taking my kids to a counselor that her attorney chose because she's sympathetic to the mother, and has been used as a GAL in the past. That doc made wild accusations about me, and wild claims about my dealing with the children...which is how I lost custody in the beginning. Once the kids realized that everything they told her was being filtered to their mom, and then to the attorney, they stopped talking to her. I ended up filing enough complaints against her, and got other fathers to do the same (I took out ads in the local newspaper), that she is no longer in practice...her license to practice was revoked.

Have him find a local attorney that is a Father's Rights attorney...they will know the proper steps he needs to take, and will help him get where and what he needs.

As far as the mother seeing a counselor...the courts see this as her recognizing that she needs help. Unless she's violent, abuses the child, abuses drugs or alcohol, they won't see it as a reason to remove the child.

Check the state laws on recording conversations and phone calls...some states, such as Ohio, require only one member of the call or conversation to know it's being taped. If he lives in such a state, have him record everything. It will go a long way to show instability if she's hot and cold with him, yells, etc. Granted, it isn't admisable as evidence, but you can give it to the Guardian Ad Litem for review, and they can use it to sway their decision one way or the other.

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