Elderly Driver Family Drama
 

My sainted 85 year old Grandmother is slowing down a bit physically, and had a bad fall about a month ago but came out OK. She's a bit depressed about her physical deterioration but still exercises every day and is cognitively very good. Just walks a bit more slowly and carefully.

Of the immediate family, myself and my aunt spend the most time with her. My aunt talks to her almost daily and is over several times a week. Quite a bit more than me. I tend to speak with her and visit a few times a week.

Last week, my aunt decides she shouldn't drive anymore. She had been mentioning it for a few years, but decided to pull the trigger last week. My aunt's car has just so happens to be broken and will cost more to fix than the thing is worth. She wants to take her Cadillac. I can't help but think that it's motivated by needing a car, but haven't mentioned it. My Aunt and Uncle are very hard on cars, or at least have bad luck. They always seem to be broken, wrecked, dirty and beat up. I took a Toyota they owned on trade for my truck, and the oil was 3 quarts low and sludged from no maintenance. Nearly ruined the catalytic converter from the motor eating the sludge (was able to clean it out with additive) and who knows how much the engine life was shortened.

My Grandmother thinks she is still good to drive, and I somewhat agree with her. I called her this afternoon suggesting she go to a privately owned driving school and have herself evaluated, so it's an impartial judgement on whether she's capable. She liked the idea. I also mentioned my reservations about letting my aunt drive the car, getting beat up and all that, and Grandmother cut me off, saying my Aunt was with her right now visiting and will talk about it later. How much she heard, I don't know, but I feel like I've stepped in it.:o

I would have no problem with my Grandmother helping my aunt and would help out whatever way I can (they have not called me about the car problems even though I'm in the business with a full time mechanic and can fix things cheap), but I'd hate for her to unnecessarily give up her independence and diminish her quality of life. She has never had to face up to getting old and I she is certainty not her usual cheery self over all this.

I'm not sure how to approach my aunt about this, especially if she heard my entire conversation.

My father in law drove until he was about 94, however it was exclusively during daylight hours and on local roads, no interstate, parkway or expressways. He enjoyed the freedom and mostly drove to go shopping or short errands.

Driving test is a good idea. I had my dad do that. He was on his very best behavior when he took the test and passed it. Is she passes, let her keep driving unless she lives in a location where most of her necessary travel can be done on foot.

Check with Driver's Services in Kansas
 

If Kansas is like Georgia...

The only way the state will refuse to renew a DL is:
1. If the driver fails a Vision Test
(Although who the Hell in Gawga decides the necessary parameters
of Pass/Fail MUST be "Legally Blind" themselves,as I personally
Know Licensed Drivers in Georgia who tell me they are "Legally
Blind" in other states and by SS standards.)
2. M.D. certifies patient is incapacitated beyond the ability to Safely
Operate a Motor Vehicle.

___________________________________________________________________

The Auntie thing...
As in "Who will,if necessary, be your G'Ma's conservator at a later date?"

Until such a time, Granny shows how she wants to handle her daughter.

[But, You're right your aunt probably won't appreciate any of what she
considers "Meddling" in what she considers her right to Boss Her Mother
around in mother's old age.]

Let granny see what the evaluation of the Pros determines about her
abilities.She'll communicate the necessary to the Daughter.

Any indication that her visual acuity may be diminishing? Take a walk around her current car. Any fresh parking lot scrapes? Any damage to the side of the garage door opening? One sign that her driving abilities may be diminishing is increased difficulty in maneuvering in close quarters.

If her abilities appear to be sufficient to continue driving, I say hang onto the car, even if she doesn't drive it as much, as having the car at her disposal would offer her some psychological comfort that she is not losing her mobility.

If your grandmother is serious about giving up driving, perhaps she should sell her car on the open market. Perhaps a friendly used car dealer would take her car on consignment. And in the spirit of retaining family harmony, you could throw a bone to your aunt and let her have that old white convertible of yours.;)

We took the Mom in Law's car away 6 months ago. Told her it wasn't her ability or lack thereof but the simple fact that any collision would probably either kill her or incapacitate her/make her bedridden.

She can take a subsidized car service anywhere she needs to go or we will drive her. Sunday mornings we take her food shopping for the week. My wife takes her to the ballet and theatre. We have found we spend more quality time with her than before.

She is 94 this August. Life is good.

Ditto
 

We had the state refuse to renew my dad's driver's license at 90. He was capable, but his reflexes had slowed down.

He could drive ok if there was no one around, but the situation where he lived involved getting out quickly onto a busy thoroughfare with a short window.

He was not happy. Made him feel more homebound.

The aunt is her daughter?
If so I'd stay out of it.

X2.
I stayed 150 miles away and quiet as a mouse when my aunt had this debate with my then 90 year old grandmother. They resolved it and things worked out.

Being seventy two I sometime ago started watching how I drive. I have no wish to hurt or harm anyone because of retaining a drivers licence beyond a sensible period. .

If I find I have made a minor error when driving like always I am still aware of it. What troubles me is how will you know when you are ocassionally doing things but have become unaware of them?

A good indicator would be finding scrapes on your car if no ideal of how they got there. Actually to me that would be very late in the game.

So I have decided to retest periodically. You will not know when your mind starts failing is not certain but possible in my opinion. I can basically drive longer here safely as it is pretty rural. Incidentally I do not feel incompetent to drive in any way yet. Still that day will arrive. It will change my life but is what it is. Unlike when we are young. If the weather is really atrocious we stay home or go to a motel for the last ten years.

I also think one could ask a good friend to be honest about what they think of your capabilities. Or if people ever start indicating they would rather not be in a car you are driving even if suttle.

I have declined letting some people drive me or going with them quite a few times in my life that where not age related. This does pay off incidentally. A couple of exceptions I made proved it. Nothing quite like sailing through a red light at a busy intersection. Or almost being hit head on but a highway side swipe instead because the driver did not notice a woman was coming over into his lane.

He should have seen it and I warned him at the last moment. This just barely eliminated a head on at highway speeds. I had noticed what she was doing and thought he should have as well. If I had not told him it would have been very bad. What was actually interesting. The large gm mirror was driven through the glass and rendered him unconscious instantly. I was airborne in the seatbelt. The collision pushed his door back far enough the inside dome light came on. We had not lost much speed with the sideswipe so I landed up driving the car from the passenger seat avoiding cars. I got the car pulled off the road perhaps a half mile further up the road. I did not know if the driver was dead or anything as there was no indication of what had gotten him at that point. He suffers permanent nerve damage to this day of one side of his face.

If that dome light had not come on as it was night I figure I would not be typing this now. To this day I have no ideal of exactly how I threaded his car through oncoming traffic. I was aware while doing so that it was at least as dangerous as the collision. You think you were going to die once is enough and then you get to do it again right away has a certain effect on you at the time.

I am not thinking it is other than good coincidence. Being if you are in the wrong place at the right time an accident is unavoidable. In about 56 years of driving I have never been in an accident with me behind the wheel. Or gotten a speeding ticket although I sped. Got only a couple of warnings to slow down. Nothing to do much with driver skill although I do drive defensivly. Just good circumstance in my opinion.

I think my father retained his licence longer than he should have, My mother should never have had a drivers licence in my opinion.

Thanks Barry for a thoughtful post.

I'll know when to stop driving when my autocross times get too slow!;)

Third party driving school that will take her out and buzz aorund town. That way it's noone's opinion

Also, don't worry about hurting your Aunt's feelings. Last time I saw my relatives they said "Jeez you're blowing up!"[aka 'boy, you're getting fat!']. Gotta give the story straight to family members :p

Hey, I'm 34 and that has happened to me! Street parking in NYC can be a beeyotch.

Yeah that is all too common. I always seemed to aquire them on new cars all too soon when in the big city.

A story goes of a guy putting a note under the windshield wiper of a parked car he had just dinged. I have to leave this note because some people are watching me. Sorry about the damage.

I thought it might be when they get too fast.:D