Family problems...advice greatly appreciated, please - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

The Warden · #1 09-16-2002, 06:01 PM

My girlfriend's family has a serious issue. My girlfriend's paternal grandmother is currently living with my girlfriend's parents. The grandmother is in her mid 80's, is severely hearing-impaired, and is wheelchair-bound. Through some service that I don't know much on the details about, my g/f's mother is paid a certain amount per month to take care of the grandmother. However, there are some very big problems with the mother's actions regarding this.

First, she is often neglecting her duties, almost regularly leaving the house (for usually inappropiate reasons; that's another story entirely) without leaving anyone who can act in her place (the father is usually working or otherwise unavailable, and no one else knows sign language) should the need arise. They live in Bakersfield, CA, which can get very hot in the summer, and live in a house with only a swamp cooler which doesn't function very well (they're financially unable to replace it with a better unit). My girlfriend, who was down visiting last June, went into the grandmother's room while her mom was gone and found that the window was closed, the fan was on at a low speed, and her grandmother so hot that her face was flushed. This is just one of numerous examples, including times when the grandmother wasn't fed.

Second, and possibly even worse, is that, although the grandmother is capable of functioning in a wheelchair, my girlfriend's mother leaves her in bed nearly constantly. The grandmother has gone outside in the wheelchair and felt fine; however, this is while the mother was gone and the grandmother would beg to be brought back inside upon seeing the mother arrive at home, for fear of being yelled at (in sign, of course). The grandmother does get weak after being in the wheelchair too long (bad back), but she does like getting out of bed whenever she can. This also restricts her from seeing people (the mother has a tight control over who goes into the room; my girlfriend is only allowed to see her a few times for a few minutes at a time when she's there, and the father has even been yelled at for going in the room!).

These two major factors combined are leading my girlfriend's grandmother to being very physically weak (she could walk with a cane until about 3 years ago, and can't now directly due to the mother not giving her the excercises that a doctor had prescribed), and she is also likely going into a deep mental depression due to the isolation and lack of interaction. It apears to me that there is enough evidence for a case of elder abuse; however, my girlfriend's father (and everyone else involved) does not want to see his mother simply taken away so that he cannot see her. I will admit that the relationship between my girlfriend's parents is downright miserable (beyond hope; reasoning with the mother has proved impossible {not to be rude or too blunt, but I believe the mother is mentally unstable}, and the father is forced to work much of the time tha the's awake to make ends meet, so he is unable to be there for most of the day) and I still don't fully understand why her father doesn't take the grandmother and leave my girlfriend's mother and seek safe refuge with a brother (who has offered to help). However, given that this has not happened and is not likely to happen, plus the fact that they are not financially able to hire a lawyer and attack this from a legal standpoint, I have no idea how I, my girlfriend, her father, or anyone else can help alleviate this. My girlfriend's grandmother clearly needs to be removed from this environment, but no one knows how to go about this without removing her from everyones' lives entirely.

Does anyone by chance have any suggestions on what could possibly be done? I'm not currently able to financially help, but I see this as a very unsafe situation for my girlfriend's grandmother, and even for her father to a point. Also, I know this is a pretty confusing situation (it took me nearly a year to understand most of it, and there's still stuff that I don't get here), so if there's anything that needs to be clarified, please let me know. Again, as I've mentioned before, the entire family is not in good financial shape.

Again, suggestions and/or thoughts would be greatly appreciated by all concerned. Thank you all in advance!

#2 09-16-2002, 06:42 PM

I agree with Bill. We have a simliar problem with my only living grandparent she has had sevral small strokes and can't remeber anything short term. She is now 78 and after my grandfather (mom's step dad) died she moved to Florida and into a independent living center. She has gotten worse and has been moved into a more controled setting. I don't know if this type of thing is an option for your girlfriends family but it can be a great help to the family and to the person as well (still feel like they control their life) I worn you now that it can be very expensive when you look into it. It will evently run dry any savings that are left.
Just an option from family experince.
Good luck

The Warden · #3 09-16-2002, 07:09 PM

Bill, thanks for getting back to me! Robin says hi, BTW

Quote:

Originally posted by TXBill
Sounds like everyone that's involved, that's on the side of helping your grandmother (the father, Robin, and who else? Yall aren't married so technically you have no stake in this...) need to have a 'intervention' (more like a confrontation) and tell the caretaker what needs to be done, and that she needs to mend her ways.

Unfortunately, that's already been tried numerous times. Robin's mother (aka the caretaker) usually listens for a short period of time and then lapses back to how she was before.

Quote:

OR, maybe there is some hotline to the government agency that makes the payments to the caretaker, maybe they could have an inspector of some sort come in and talk to Robin's mom?

A problem with bringing an inspector out is that, were the inspector to talk with Robin's mom, her mom is very good at making people believe that she's an innocent victim of malicious intent. In a position of an impartial observer (as much as possible), I'd normally look at a situation like this from both sides and try to combine the contradictory facts into something that sounds more plausible (in essence, there are 3 sides to a typical conflict: one side, the other side, and the truth); however, here, after seeing how Robin's mom acts and how everything else is, I think it's prudent to take most of what Robin's mom says with a big grain of salt, particularly because just about everyone who knows the details of this situation ultimately goes against Robin's mom, regardless of how impartial they were to begin with. However, an inspector who doesn't know the complete situation and who only hears it from Robin's mom will likely believe her and take action against Robin's dad (again, Robin's mom is a master of deception, in spite of her numerous other intellectual shortcomings). Furthermore, Robin's grandmother would likely be taken away were that to happen, although I'm not convinced that that would be a bad thing as long as there was some setup of visitation.

Ideally, Robin's grandmother should go up and live with Robin's uncle. I just thought about something (specifically, one major reason she's never been up there is that they don't have a car that's comfortable enough for her, but my 300D just might fit the bill) that I might look into...will have to talk to her dad about it.

Thank you again!

{added in edit; just saw Dan's post} Dan, I actually thought about that...I'm pretty sure that the family can't afford that, though. I wish that they could, though, as that would probably be the best option overall.

#4 09-16-2002, 07:32 PM

You might want to have her call around. There are a lot of places that will work with familys on that kinda thing. I mean like really work with you. But then again there are places that want over 30k a year. My grandmother pays 900 a month water and electric included. She also get 2 meals a day and she makes her self a third (microwave stuff)
just figured I would let you know that sometimes they will work with the family on the money issue.

engatwork · #5 09-16-2002, 08:06 PM

Try the local Department of Family and Children Services.

420SEL · #6 09-16-2002, 08:57 PM

I think looking at the problem from another angle may help as well. Looking after an elderly relative is a very demanding and stressful job. This is certainly no excuse for the actions as described on the part of the caretaker, but it kind of sounds like this person is really stressed out. You mentioned that she has been approached about her behaviour several times, and seems to listen but then falls back on her poor habits again and again. Is there anything that could be done to help care for the grandmother that might make it a little less stressful for the primary caretaker. Sometimes once the pressure is off a little a person can approach their responsibilities with renewed enthusiasm and fulfill them properly. That being said, I think this job is really too much for one person. The primary concern is that the grandmother gets the attention and care she needs. I don't know if this helps any. Please remember that all I know about the situation is what has been written here, so I appoologize if anything I said was inappropriate given the overall circumstances.

LuckyF8 · #7 09-16-2002, 09:04 PM

Bad spot to be in, I have a mother just like your girlfiend's, hard people to deal with.

Call an elder abuse hotline in your area, they will help to advise you of your options, you need to disclose all the facts about the mom.....etc.

After the "sane ones" in the family know what the options are, they may or may not take action.

Don't worry the elder abuse people will not do anything untill the family members say so...but you still need to call and get the advice.

This is the best you can do.

God Bless Grandma.

BENZ-LGB · #8 09-17-2002, 11:39 AM

Your g/f's family may be in violation of California Penal Code Section 368, the "elder abuse" statute.

If this situation is reported to the local Department of Family and Children Services by a third party, the Department is required by law to investigate the matter. If their investigation discloses elder abuse or even elder neglect, their protocol requires a report to the Kern Sheriff's Dept (and perhaps also to the Kern County DA's Office, although I am not sure of the exact protocol for Kern County).

If a full investigation determines that the grandmother has been neglected or physically abused, a report will be made to the DA's Office who then has the option of filing criminal charges pursuant to PC Sec. 368.

Incidentally, elder abuse is not "just" limited to actual physical harm. PC 368 is a general intent crime, so if the accussed (caretaker) is simply negligent and his or her negligence caused the victim to be placed in a situation that endagers his or her health, that's enough to prove the violation and obtain a conviction. No "beatings" or other signs of physical harm is required, neglect is sufficient, as long as the victim is 65 or over and the neglect causes the victim to be placed at greater risk of harm.

As someone else has already pointed out, these are difficult cases (from the family's point of view) to deal with. It is very, very hard to care for an elderly person. If the elderly person is very ill, that makes it even harder.

I bet that your g/f's family is overwhelmed by the burdens of taking care of an elderly person. There is a new "sandwhich" generation (people in their 30's, 40's or 50's who on one side still have to take care of their kids and on the other side are faced with taking care of elderly relatives) that is being totally stressed out over the burden of taking care of elderly relatives. Usually, caretakers lack the tools, or the financial ability, to care for elderly and sick relatives. As the US population continues to age, this burden will increase.

Your g/f's parents should seek immediate help. There are lots of agencies that stand ready to help. It is better for them to seek help now, than to wait for the situation to deteriorate to the point where law enforcement gets involved.

Good luck and please keep us posted. You and your g/f deserve a lot of credit for bringing this situation to light and averting a potential tragedy.

Kuan · #9 09-17-2002, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by tkamiya
I'm afraid, if you become fully involved, it may raise some serious issues in a way your girlfriend's family would see you in the future. After all, these are family issues, except there is an helpless victim. Left unreported, it will not only NOT improve, but may result in tragic consequences.

For me, it's not a tough issue at all. I'd do something, but seek advice on how to do it the right way. To do nothing is to be part of the problem. You can't do much with some things like the decline of the stock market, you can with this.

Kuan

Kuan · #10 09-17-2002, 03:47 PM

Nods to everything. You know what just struck me, is how often we like to offer advice, especially when there are no consequences of our actions, to us at least.

Kuan

AuctorEcclesiae · #11 09-17-2002, 05:49 PM

Hello Warden:

I really do feel for you and for your girlfriend -- these are not easy situations to be in. I have seen a lot of these cases in my ministerial settings, and it is sad to see nonetheless.

While it may be difficult and may cause extended family hardships, it is important to look at the situation from the point of the victim. If the grandmother is not getting the care she needs, it is affecting not only her health, but her quality of life, and no one wants to see someone sad, and afraid of one's caretaker.

Financial resources for care centers are out of this world, but I think that if you were to sit down as a family and together confront the caretaker, you may be able to get somewhere. The important thing is to not confront the situation in an accusitory way as emotions can often make us do. I know you mentioned that you had tried in the past and that that caretaker would just go back to her old ways.

Is the grandmother religious? Maybe someone from homebound ministry group at the local church could include her on their visits? They can provide company for her and monitor her at the same time.

Know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during these difficult times.

Peace be with you.

Michael.

The Warden · #12 09-20-2002, 05:09 PM

I apologize for the delay in responding...

My girlfriend called her aunt (dad's brother's wife; the one who initially offered to help), then talked to her dad...first the aunt said that they're unable to take her in at the moment, and then Robin's dad said that things aren't as bad as we had thought. When the mother/caretaker's away, the father and a close friend help out wherever possible.

My girlfriend buys it completely, but I still have my doubts (there's still the matter of not being around others, which I believe is a big thing)...so at this point, I have no idea what to do. If I make the calls on my own, I think that the relationship will suffer (I think she has a gut feeling that, if the authorities get involved, that no one will ever see her grandmother again). I think part of it's the mind-set that the grandmother's best off with the rest of the family, even if the quality of life is poor (I firmly believe that that's BS, but since I'm not actually a family member, there isn't much I can do short of blowing the whistle and having everyone get mad at me). Furthermore, if the caretaker stops receiving the payment, they won't be able to pay the house mortgage anymore and will likely wind up on the street.

On the religion issue, there's even a conflict there. The grandmother is Lutheran, I believe (I know Robin's dad is), but the mother/caretaker's an orthodox (bordered on "fanatic") Catholic who believes that all other religions and sects (i.e. Lutheranism) are evil, and for that reason probably wouldn't let a Lutheran official in the house (I'm not Catholic; I'm surprised I'm even allowed in the house, that's how bad she is).

I greatly appreciate everyones' thoughts and comments on the issue, but I'm even more at a loss now...part of me thinks it's best to just let it be for the various reasons, and part of me thinks I need to do something regardless of the price...I'm rather unhappy with my girlfriend right now.

#13 09-21-2002, 12:32 AM

Haven't read each thread but Warden, if this person is eighty years old and in that bad of condition, not to be cold, she may not have much time left. The mother is shortening this time by not taking proper care. I saw this happen to my step-grandfather and he went downhill fast from emotional upset. It made him 12 years older in 6 mos. I would definitely find some way to get her out of that house.

Quote:

seek safe refuge with a brother

Is there some financial benefit to the brother if he takes her in? If so, this is definitely the solution. But the father has to step up and make the right decision. There's not much your girlfriend can do really, the only thing you can do is be supportive to the grandmother and visit. Don't lose your girlfriend over it. If you can, however, get enough people to visit her periodically throughout the day, it will lengthen her life and QUALITY of life immensly and you can make a difference by doing that! I was going to get my step grandfather something as small as a needle for his old record player. He was in a good mood for weeks from that small gesture!