Oil Change DIY Instructions
 

Oil change class 101
> How a man changes the oil:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under hood and with pipe wrench and twist off.

16) Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out t from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with the drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

** Money spent: Parts-$50.00, DUI-$2500.00, Impound fee $75.00, Bail-$1500.00, Beer-$40.00.

**Total--$4165.00, but you know the job was done right.

Nicely done! For my 74 240d, you fellow w115 owners know what I am talking about, I would add the following .....

1. Contemplate taking vehicle to Jiffy Lube
2. Promptly talk self out of such a ridiculous idea
14. Mentally prepare for monumental undertaking
15. Cue soothing music
16. Begin prayer ritual
27. Prop up engine with another floor jack and a round of fire wood to access PITA oil filter location. (for those of you keeping track at home number of floor jacks is 3, rounds of wood 4)
28. Permanently stain your arm "Diesel Soot Black". Ironically, Sherwin Williams is introducing this new color into their Winter 07 catalog.
29. Wait for oil to drain so you don't get oil on face
30. Jump the gun .... get oil on face
31. Curse
32. Think about Jiffy Lube
33. Play rubix cube like game with oil canister trying to liberate it from permanent "prison cell."
34. Lose rubix cube game and decide to leave canister where it is
35. Dump canister contents all the while leaving canister in prison cell
36. Replace canister contents in an elaborate surgical-like manner.
37. Contemplate becoming surgeon
38. Drink more beer and think about new career choice
39. Come to senses when you realize that studying would only interfere with oil changes and beer drinking

My rebuttal:

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

But then . . .

4) Engine seizes because JL "technician" left drain plug out
5) Call tow truck; scream at JL manager
6) New engine, $2500
7) Rental car while dealer installs new engine, $500 ($50/day x 10 days)
7) Lawyer to threaten to sue JL, $185.00/hr. (I could be way low on this)
8) JL eventually settles, but lawyer takes big cut

End result:
New engine;
Lawyer and rental car manager are now your best friends;
You've lost 10 years off your life and gained 2,000 new gray hairs.

****
Point this out next time somebody sends you this misandric e-mail.
.

Why change oil? Just add more. It never wears out and I can prove it with the car I want to sell in which I never changed oil and it still runs.

(Kidding! I'm just kidding.)

Sounds like all my projects. :D

buy a topsider and forget all of those steps

;)