I've decided to open the book on my dating as well... - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

TTaM · #1 10-08-2003, 10:15 PM

I have somewhat of a situation, and you wise Mercedes gurus may have an answer, if not an opinion.

I'm 21 with moderate dating experience, nothing too serious, never had a relationship last more than 4 months. Through another message board I frequent, I met a girl who lives about 40 miles from me. She was looking for car advice, I advised her, we talked, developed an "online friendship" for what it is worth. We have exchanged photographs, as well as phone numbers. About 2 weeks ago, I finally grew the cajones to ask her to meet in person, and I called her. Before I could ask her out, she tells me that her mother passed away just hours before I called. [she had been in the hospital with lung problems for a while] I offered to consol her over the phone and said she can call whenever, and such. We still would talk just about every night, until my cell battery would go dead, and then some. I have prolly logged 20 hours in the last 2 weeks talking to her [thank god for free nights and weekends] My question to you, the internet, how soon, is too soon to ask her out. She seems to be taking her mother's passing quite well, but she does break down every once and a while. I'm just confused right now...

sfloriII · #2 10-09-2003, 12:30 AM

Maybe I can offer some advice.... I've had both the experience of a parent dying and entering into a relationship soon afterward. I'm also been coresponding with a local gal on the net who recently had a death in the family. I hope my experience yeilds good results for you.

Right now I'm also "writing" a girl on the internet who's local. Same coincidence: she had a death in the family. I learned about it after writing her and not getting a reply for a little while. It didn't bother me and I moved on. A few days later she wrote to me and apologized for the delay saying there was a death in her family.

I wrote to her and offered my condolences. I told her that I understand that there's a lot going on in her family right now and that I understand if I don't hear from her for a while.

I lost my dad five years ago and know what your friend is going through. It took a while for me to get over it, and the timetable is different for everyone.

After his passing, I began dating a girl about three months later. It never really got serious, but I did learn one lesson: my emotions were still way too raw from my father's death to make good decisions regarding a relationship. In retrospect, I should have waited a lot longer before "starting" a relationship. I think I just wanted to date someone because I was looking for anything that would make me feel better.

If I were you, I would let her know that you understand that she's going through a hell of a lot right now. Fact is, she doesn't even really know what she's going through because (I assume) she's never had an experience quite like that. My dad was sick for years, yet it still affected me far greater than I could have imagined.

Second, I wouldn't push her to enter a relationship with you right now. There's simply too much for her to handle, let alone the addition of a relationship and all that entails. Besides, how would you like to get into something only later for her to wonder if it was all the emotion of the time and back off?

Show her your intentions are simply for her well-being. She may reach out to you in a romantic way, but I would ask her to wait a while (only you guys would know how long) and start the relationship on the right foot.

Good luck!

TTaM · #3 10-09-2003, 01:39 AM

yea, that is what I was afraid of

This is by far the most attractive woman I have ever found interesting for more than 5 minutes [at least according to her pics]

We had really hit it off, and had great conversations before her mother passed. I know now to tread with caution, but caution can be frustrating, especially when you are in a rut like I am in...

jassz · #4 10-09-2003, 11:14 AM

Are you guys sure you're not dating the same girl??

Ha ha, just kidding.

Everyone grieves a little differently. She may just view you as a knight in shining armour who helped her through her most difficult time. Or she may want to curl up like an armadillo and keep everyone out. I don't see anything wrong with being a shoulder to cry on, if she WANTS that. Let her set the pace though, so you don't become the creep that took advantage of her vulnerable state.

Keep us posted!

rickg · #5 10-09-2003, 11:29 AM

I think Stefano gave some good advice.
All I'd add is, you are basing your attraction pretty much on hear-say at this point. Writing and photos don't a relationship make. So, maybe it would be appropriate to ask her out for a casual dinner or something. Just something so the two of you can meet and talk face to face. Keep it simple, fun and casual. There's so much more that can be communicated with eye contact. You may be more attracted to her, or you may find something that you find less than what you expected. Same for her.
Then , if all goes well, you can make a game plan to over time get more involved with her as her emotions stabilize.
If it doesn't go so well, you and her at least each have a friend you can each lean on.

sfloriII · #6 10-10-2003, 12:11 AM

I agree. I'd try to meet her early on. No sense getting all "involved" with another person online and getting your hopes up only to find out that, once in person, the attraction isn't quite what you'd hoped it would be.

I met a girl at the zoo a couple weeks ago. She looked great in her picture, but all the weight was in her hips. Nothing wrong with that (and I have dated a couple women who were pleasantly plump), I'm just physically attracted to fit women-- especially because I keep pretty fit myself.

TTaM · #7 10-10-2003, 02:27 AM

Well, she wants to go to dinner with me this Monday. Just so happens I will have the Benz down at school too...

rickg · #8 10-10-2003, 10:22 AM

We expect a full report on Tuesday!

Good luck

TTaM · #9 10-10-2003, 11:08 AM

Rick,

If this doesn't pan out, I hear you have a daughter who is having problems with the guys not calling her back? I promise to call... :p

rickg · #10 10-10-2003, 11:20 AM

I'll pass that on

TTaM · #11 10-10-2003, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by rickg
I'll pass that on

Come on, I am honest all American kid. In college, hard working, an eagle scout, good taste in cars...

Actually, the last girl I dated, part of the reason we broke up was her intolerable father. [a very small part, but that is a whole other story] Everytime I would pick her up, he seemed to be outside and he would give me crap for driving "Kraut cars" and that I should buy American. He had no respect for either the 240D or the C230. Funny thing was, all of his cars are Chryslers, and he works for a Chrysler dealer...

rickg · #12 10-10-2003, 11:58 AM

Yeah, that "father" issue can kinda be a tough one. I used to tease my oldest daughter back before she started dating that I was going to answer the door with a shotgun in hand when her first came to pick her up. Then sit there cleaning it when ever the boy was in the house

She knew I was teasing, but I guess one guy she started dating took it seriously when she told him about my "prank". He was as nervous as can be when he first came over. I didn't know why, until later when she told me what was going on. I guess she really had to do some convincing that it was all just a joke between me and my daughters.

Just bear in mind, that one thing a father can be VERY, VERY protective of, is their daughters. I always dread hearing about a new boy friend. You always hope he's going to treat her properly, and with respect. I'd rather have a young man bash my Benz, then mis-treat one of my daughters.

My son can take care of himself, but keep-a you hands offa my daughter!

TTaM · #13 10-14-2003, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by rickg
We expect a full report on Tuesday! Good luck

Well, I just got back. It went extrememly well. We met at a small cafe' by her campus, had an enjoyable dinner with good conversation, she let me buy her meal, and then she invited me back to her place. We hung around her apartment, had great conversation for a good 4 hours. Nothing too serious, wanted to let her set the pace. She then walked me to the door, I could not see any sign she wanted to go any further, so I thanked her for her hospitality, told her good night and left. I am the more conservative type, normally kissing on the second or third date, so, while I would have liked to go further, I think this was a great start. Hopefully she accepts my invitation to a second date...

sfloriII · #14 10-14-2003, 06:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Volkl42
...She then walked me to the door, I could not see any sign she wanted to go any further, so I thanked her for her hospitality, told her good night and left.

I'm sure she appreciated that A LOT! Hope the second date goes as well!

rickg · #15 10-14-2003, 10:24 AM

Sounds like you handled that perfectly

Hope it continues.