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hill 01-26-2004 11:25 PM

Airline Humor
 
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.



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While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.



An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

>

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"



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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"



Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."



Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"



Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"



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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206"



Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."



Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."



The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop Ground:



"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"



Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."



Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"





Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."





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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."



United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



============================================================



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:



Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"



Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."



Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"



Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

ThrillBilly 01-26-2004 11:39 PM

You know the frustration of trying to buy an airline ticket…the pricing and timing are things we apparently have simply accepted as a fact of life we must endure. But what if you were buying something else, and used the airline industry’s formulas—say for paint for your house…?

You go in and ask a simple question—“how much is your paint?” and The Paint Agent says it depends on a lot of variables. So you ask for an average price…

The Paint Agent says their lowest price is $12 a gallon, and they have 60 different prices, up to $200 a gallon. Your obvious response is to ask what the difference is in the paints for those prices, right? But the Paint Agent tells you there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

So you go for the $12 paint.
The Paint Agent asks when do you intend to use the paint?
You want want to paint tomorrow.
It's your day off.
And the Paint Agent tells you that paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

When would you have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Well, if paint was sold like airline tickets, you would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

The Paint Agent then tells you he’ll check and see if there is any paint available. Of course, you can see there’s plenty of paint…but that doesn't mean there’s paint available, because they sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend.
Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16.
There isn’t any more $12 paint.

The price went up as we were talking?

The Paint Agent informs you that they change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, they just decided to change.
He suggests you purchase your paint as soon as possible.
How many gallons do you want?

So you ask for maybe five gallons.
Make that six, so you'll have enough.

The Paint Agent then tells you that if you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

They can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

What does it matter whether you use all the paint?
You’ve already paid you for it!

The Paint Agent tells you they make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

What happens if you don't keep painting until after Saturday night?
Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Then you make the mistake of asking about all the "Paint on sale from $10 a quart" signs…and the Paint Agent tells you its for their budget paint.
It only comes in gallons.
One $5 gallon will do half a room.
The second gallon to complete the room is $20.
None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

If you’re like most people at this point, you’re ready to walk out and buy what you need somewhere else! But the Paint Agent says you may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from
someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway. Because you can’t buy that paint from anyone but this paint company...and if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Ah-ha! You thought their most expensive paint was $200!
But that Paint Agent smugly says that’s if you paint around the room to the point at which you started.
A hallway is different.

So what if you buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in
one direction—will the paint company confiscate the remaining paint?

No, they'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference
on your next gallon of paint.

And that’s what the world would look like if paint were sold like airline tickets!

chazola 01-27-2004 12:52 PM

hill- those are great. where did you ge them from?

Limited Edition 01-27-2004 02:05 PM

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captian of a US Navy ship. I say again ,
divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
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CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

TX76513 01-27-2004 02:38 PM

Now arriving at Gate 114
 
http://www.cargolaw.com/images/disas....NW.brake1.GIF

hill 01-27-2004 11:36 PM

hill- those are great. where did you ge them from?

Just from one of my sicker freinds:D You should read the jokes that I can't post:eek:

Glen 01-28-2004 01:45 AM

Here's an old one:

THE IRATE CUSTOMER
For all of you out there who've had to deal with
an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic!
In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in
Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved
to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was
rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an
angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir,
but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

bobbyv 01-28-2004 01:59 AM

i don't know if this has made the rounds, but here it is:

============================================
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

-----------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

-----------
P: Test flight OK! , except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

---------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

-------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

-------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

----------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

-------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

-----------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

-----------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

-----------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

-------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

jcantor 01-28-2004 10:38 AM

bobbyv - those are great!!!

jlc

Jim B. 08-07-2013 03:24 AM

A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies.

Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5'2" and sitting in the right front seat."

Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father..... who art in Heaven...."


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