joke thread

[layback40]

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of :
'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
Hop on a boat
And win
A FREE HOUSE!
We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The Australian Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid Australian Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone
buy a ticket to Indonesia
And catch the first available boat.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.
All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once you enter Australian waters,and remember the magic password
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia gateway, where agents were on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation
They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Australia
Our most popular destinations also include the Baxter reef and the world famous Christmas Island resort
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
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So play today.

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Don't stop in Thailand or Bali
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And you are:
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to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'

[layback40]

Raisin Bread


A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below..

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.."

[Aquaticedge]

[layback40]

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a
guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl / tzitzis and
traditional locks of hair.


He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear,
"Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.
”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him
a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks
for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother
the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him,
and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

[Since66]

The Retiring Priest

A Catholic Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to
make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited."I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his wife. I was
appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies
at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived", said the
politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for
Confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

[layback40]

MY DOCTOR...


Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years

Before he realised she was Chinese.


~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said,
"Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~
One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,
"When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice:
"Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought
he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said,
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

[layback40]

The missus left a note on the fridge this morning saying,
"It's no good it's not working......I'm going to stay at mums for a while."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer looked well chilled.
F##ked if I know what she's on about

[layback40]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[layback40]

Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $300k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

[layback40]

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a
haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all
his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the
shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to
spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that
was the cleanest shave he's had in years.


But he wanted to know what would have happened if he
had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,

"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[layback40]

5 RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE
>
> Smart Man!!!
>
>
>
>
>
> COWBOY TOMBSTONE
>
> Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
> His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.
>
> FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
>
> 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
>
> 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
>
> 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
>
> 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
>
> 5. IT'S VERY, VERY IMPORTANT THAT THESE FOUR WOMEN DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER OR YOU COULD END UP DEAD LIKE ME.
>

[layback40]

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[layback40]

Paddy is laying on his deathbed.
Beside him are 6 strapping young lads, the 7th is very thin, weedy and not good looking.
"Mary, tell me the 7th is mine, I'll forgive you if he's not, but just tell me truthfully before I die".
"I tell you the truth Paddy, yes, he is yours".
Paddy smiles, then dies contented.
Mary looks heavenward and says "thank God he didn't ask about the other six".-

[layback40]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over
his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop
winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[layback40]

TWO PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me, I've changed.'...















'I found Cod!


I'm a Prawn again Christian'


.