joke thread

[cmac2012]

Is that Jeb Bush, regarding the end of the Schiavo investigation?

[mzsmbs]

yeah..

[Mbz81]

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.

The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Answers:

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take! them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

[A264172]

What did the guru say to his student when he spied a harlot showing her wares on the street corner?


























"That woman could use a good ashraming"

[MattBelliveau]

A lonely man walks into an adult novelty store to find a friend for the evening. He walks to the front counter and declares to the clerk, "I would like to purchase a blow-up doll."

The clerk sya, "Okay, but we have a large variety. Would you like a black one or white one?"

The lonely man says "I'll go with the white one."

Clerk : Would you like long hair or short hair? Thin or fat?

Lonely man : Long hair, and thin.

Clerk : Would you like Muslim or Protestant?

Lonely man : What does that have to do with anything?

Clerk : The Muslim one blows itself up!

[Robert Mowbray]

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who wrote: " There is no DOG."

[Botnst]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? ... It's a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Botnst]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethis****....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Brian Carlton]

STAYING POWER


An Italian and a Jew were arguing over which one could make a dime go further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare.

So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and bought a cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The second day, I smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the butt and fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved.

The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a sausage. The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped out the other half and ate it. The third day, I took a $hit in the empty casing, took it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like $hit' and got my dime back!"

[Larry Delor]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[Brian Carlton]

CAT FOOD


This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out fo her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the grocery store, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, honey, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would boink like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoicly replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him, he fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."

This penguine eats a vanilla iced cream with some cream still around his beak not cleaned off.

He drives to a filling station and ask attendent to check his oil.

The man opens bonnet, and sees oil spray on motor,tells our penguine"look like you blew a seal"
penguine says "no,its only vanilla iced cream"

[vstech]

a city man is driving on a back country road from town when around the bend comes a woman driving a truck, she leans out her window and screams at the man... PIG!
well, not to be out-insulted by this backwater female he leans out his window and yells back to her COW!
feeling quite satisfied with himself, he pulls his head back inside his window and looks forward just as he SMASHES into a large hog standing in the road.
the city man calls AAA and has his car (no mention of what car it is, but let's just assume it is a Mercedes) towed back to town.
on the way back, the lady is just getting her truck hooked up to a tow cable to pull her out of the ditch she slid into... apparently trying to avoid the aforewarned bovine impediment.

[vstech]

why did the chicken cross the road?























to show the opossum it could be done.

[Mistress]

what's green and smells like Miss Piggy"
Kermit's finger