joke thread

[Since66]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[layback40]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
>
> ~ John Glenn
>
> *****
>
> America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
> population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
> landing was faked.
>
> ~ David Letterman
>
> *****
> I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
>
> ~ Howard Hughes
>
> *****
>
> After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
>
> ~ Italian proverb
>
> *****
>
> The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
>
> ~ Jean Kerr
>
> *****
>
> I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would
> take out the garbage.
>
> ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
>
> *****
>
> You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car
> doesn't.
>
> ~ Jeff Foxworthy
>
> *****
>
> When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or
> a new wife.
>
> ~ Prince Philip
>
> *****
>
> A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
> kickboxing.
>
> ~ Emo Philips.
>
> *****
>
> Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
>
> ~ Harrison Ford
>
> *****
>
> The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
>
> ~ Spike Milligan
>
> *****
>
> Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
>
> ~ Robin Hall
>
> *****
>
> Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a
> conqueror.
>
> ~ Jean Rostand.
>
> *****
>
> Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million
> dollars but I'm no happier than when I had 48 million.
>
> ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
>
> *****
>
> We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are
> here for, I have no idea.
>
> ~ WH Auden
>
> *****

[Since66]

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman, who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman, whose husband had lost all interest in sex, to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

[The Clk Man]

A skeleton walks into a bar and said to the bar keep. give be a pitcher of beer and a mop.

[Quahog]

what's the difference between a whorehouse and a 3-ring circus?

one is is a cunning display of stunts

[Can't Know]

A man who harbored a suspicion that his wife might have had an affair received a text message from his neighbor.

"Sorry, I am using your wife. I am using day and night. I am using when you are not present at home. Fact is I am using more than you. I confess this because I feel very guilty and hope You will accept my sincere apologies."

The man just lost it at that point and went in and shot his wife.

As he was standing there, still holding the gun and trying to decide what to do about his neighbor, his phone chimed with the alert for another text message.

"Darn you autocorrect! *WIFI*, not wife. Sorry again, I just feel awful."

[Jim B.]

I reposted the pic's seen at #1339 and #1340 here. They are worth a look, if you can stand warped humor, Southern California style.

You laugh, You lose! - Page 134 - Socal Subaru Forum For SoCal Subaru Enthusiasts: SoCalSubies.com

[Jim B.]

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady
making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we
have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke
down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

---

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

[Since66]

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places
are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.



This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.


Your loving daughter,

Alice

[Since66]

I was going to post this in the "prostate" thread but thought it would fit better over hear where sick humor resides.

Doctor visits patient who has just awakened from anesthetic after surgery:

"Mr. Smith, I have good news and bad news."

"Give me the bad news first."

"There were complications: We had to amputate both legs at the knee"

"Damn! Well, what's the good news?"

"Mr. Jones in the next bed wants to buy your house slippers."

[Since66]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Since66]

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

[Since66]

Don't know who wrote this but he has a way with words that makes one visualize being right there beside him. Good read


Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little bad-ass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough "sumbich".


That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether).

A light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let’s face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?

You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can, so I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work.

So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes.

I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can.

Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE COTTON PICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweet gum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That sucker got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport, having what I can only assume is, a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft over our backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head.


I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on.

I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again.

Mom had been *****ing about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

--Author Unknown

[Since66]

Two Iraqi spies meet in a busy restaurant after successfully
slipping into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him
quickly and whispers:

" Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."

[Since66]

BAD JOKE:


Ok, so here it goes:



A photon checks into a hotel.
The clerk asks if he needs help with his luggage.
The photon replies, " I don't have any, I'm traveling light."


See, I warned you, but you read it anyway.

I was going to tell my joke about sodium, but Na.