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#1051
06-09-2014, 09:28 PM
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
The bartender says: "You mean a martini?: The Roman replies: "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii 
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#1052
06-13-2014, 11:22 PM
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THE RECTUM STRETCHER
While "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar-gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what?............A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS!
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1053
07-24-2014, 02:31 PM
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A guy had an appointment to see a urologist who shared a receptionist with a group of other medical doctors. He made his way through the waiting room full of patients and as he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large woman with a fixed scowl on her face who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name and mentioned his doctor's name and appointment time. She replied, gruffly and in a VERY loud voice, "YES, I SEE YOUR APPOINTMENT HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" Virtually all of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at this exchange. Terribly embarrassed, the man recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, NO. I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." The room erupted in applause.
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#1054
08-10-2014, 04:20 PM
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Definition of the word "coincidence".
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne". "What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me ..... I'm celebrating" "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman. "What a coincidence" said the farmer. While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant". "What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. " "This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" " I used a different rooster " the farmer said. The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1055
09-05-2014, 12:37 AM
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from a MENSA questionaire
Mensa Questionnaire:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off. On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? See answer below: Get off the merry-go-round, when it stops 
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 1991 560 SEC AMG, 199k <---- 300 hp 10:1 ECE euro HV ... 1995 E 420, 170k "The Red Plum" (sold) 2015 BMW 535i xdrive awd Stage 1 DINAN, 6k, <----364 hp 1967 Mercury Cougar, 49k 2013 Jaguar XF, 20k <----340 hp Supercharged, All Wheel Drive  (sold)
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#1056
10-14-2014, 06:26 PM
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DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
Enjoy.. (You can't make up this stuff) Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Remember, these people can vote...
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1057
10-15-2014, 06:54 PM
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The Blonde and the Milkman....
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.... She left a note for her milkman to leave 25O Liters of milk.... When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake, and thought that she probably meant 2.5 Liters.... So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.... The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 250 Liters of milk.... Did you mean 2.5 Liters...?" The blonde said, "No, I want 250 Liters.... I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again...." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized...?" Wait for it, Wait for it .... ↓ ↓ ↓ The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ..... I can splash it on my eyes...!"
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Jim
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#1058
10-15-2014, 09:02 PM
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Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"
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“Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
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#1061
11-20-2014, 08:36 AM
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Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.
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#1062
11-20-2014, 09:13 AM
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Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name? Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir! Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz? Hostess: Yes Sir, very close. Business Man: How close? Hostess: Same price!
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1063
11-29-2014, 11:58 PM
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A passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1064
01-11-2015, 03:01 PM
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Missing: Can't find the love of his life...
A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something, maybe 5.5 Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat, but could loose a few. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Dark. Not sure - maybe Brown. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season - lightish brown now . Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : I don't remember exactly but she wears jeans a lot. Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes. Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, Shark Gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and Black leather GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door near the....... at this point the husband started crying... Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car.
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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#1065
01-24-2015, 10:21 AM
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Good news...bad news
The Lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon. “I have some good news and I have some bad news,” The Tycoon replies, “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.” The lawyer says, “Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she feels are worth a minimum of $2-3 million dollars.” The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed. You’ve made my day. Now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
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62 220sb 67 250S 72 280SE 4.5 74 280C 77 300D 82 240D 85 190E 2.3 86 300E RIP 12/28/09 85 300SD 92 300D 2.5 00 E320 Current Over 1,000,000 miles in Benzes, Since66 ....and a whole passel of BMW 2002 and Tii
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