[Yes, I received this via email. How ironic, huh?]

At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I
will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain
will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363, 214 angels looking
but for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for me
that I will now return the favor! If you don't send this e-mail to at
least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I
know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician! Honest

__________________

Current:
2014 VW Tiguan SEL 4Motion 43,000 miles.

2016 Hyundai Santa Fe Sport (wife's).

Past:
2006 Jetta TDI 135,970 miles. Sold Nov. '13.
1995 E-320 Special Edition. 220,200 miles. Sold Sept. '07.
1987 190-E 16 valve. 153,000 miles. Sold Feb. '06.
1980 300-D 225,000 miles. Donated to the National Kidney Foundation.
1980 240-D manual, 297,500 miles. Totaled by inattentive driver.

OK, I'm firing up my qmail right now, should be done in about 3 minutes.

That's true, though. I remember getting my first chain letter back in 1996. Then I learned about filters. After all, if I don't get those chain letters to begin with, I won't get all the bad luck from not sending them out to more people. It'll be like I never got them so everything's going to be OK, right? ... right?? ... i sure hope so ...