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#1
04-03-2002, 05:16 PM
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Does this ring a bell
I was sent this a while ago so I apologise to those who have seen this before
For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation:ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! 
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#2
04-03-2002, 05:59 PM
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Howdy des
Been a while since I've seen it. Just as good the second time around 
__________________
Frank X. Morris 17 Kia Niro 08 Jeep Wrangler 4 door unlimited
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#4
04-04-2002, 05:19 PM
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Thanks Des no I hadn't seen it before,the very last one is so true.
I don't know why the Haynes manual is that shape,why dont they make it more aerodynamical?and cut the corners off.Sort of Frisbee shape so it would fly further when I lose my Rag!!!!!! Bear
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W123 '82 300D red 202,000 miles G460 '83 280 GE LWB 69,000 miles Mercedes-Benz Club member http://www.mercedes-benz-club.co.uk/ S Klasse Club Deutschland http://www.s-klasse-club.de/ Last edited by Bear; 04-04-2002 at 05:24 PM.
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#5
04-04-2002, 05:52 PM
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As a Haynes Manual owner, I loved the part about the spanner ratings:p :p :p .
And it's hard enough as a novice MB wrench-head to understand this car, much less translate from English to American!  ..."spanner?!!! What's a spanner?!!! Looks like a crescent wrench to me!!" 
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2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle 2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car 2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver 2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car
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#6
04-04-2002, 06:05 PM
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Sorry I forgot,
We are separated by a common language  Must remember to translate in future  Bear as I have an American version of the Haynes manual for the 300D I think they are frightened of giving to much info away to our American cousins Mind you I havent seen the UK version yet!!
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