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Old 07-08-2000, 02:43 PM
DuckMuck's Avatar
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Join Date: May 2000
Location: Chandler, Arizona, USA
Posts: 804
Here is a funny story for everybody to read. I found it at under the M5 (E39) section with the same subject title. I thought it would brighten things up around here. Have a GGGGGREAT day!!!

Posted by Marty Boinkin on June 30, 2000 at 15:44:35:

(posted from: (
I was in the garage swapping out the air filter in my '00 M5 last night. The door's closed, so naturally I'm only wearing boxers and kneepads. My wife starts up the car so I can make sure there's no leaks or whistles. I'm straddling the engine like a pony so I can get real close to the filter and hear everything. I give her the thumbs up to bring up the revs. At what must have been 5000 RPM, the VANOS system kicks into high gear and triples the airflow in an instant.
My groin, which is 3 inches from the filter at the time, gets violently yanked toward the filter. My scrotum gets pulled through the dick curtain in my boxers and gets jammed in the cleaner. My wife (an epileptic) suffers a petite mal seizure and cannot take her foot off the throttle. She leaves the engine banging against the rev limiter for a solid four minutes until she faints from the exhaust fumes.

I call BMW Roadside Assistance on my cell phone. They don't believe my story and hang up on me. My wife finally wakes up. She cannot free my genitals from the air cleaner, and I am too afraid to "rip this band-aid from my wee-wee." My wife detaches the hood and we drive to the hospital. She goes slow, because I have to crouch like a baboon over the engine with my genitals and rectum rubbing against a now-overheating engine. It's an embarrassing 30 minutes, most of it on the freeway.

We get to the hospital, and I wait in the parking lot an hour while my wife gets a nurse. The nurse says she can't help. We drive to the BMW dealership and have a mechanic disassemble the airbox. He finds pubic hair jammed in the intake. Total cost: $1450, not covered under warranty.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. If you have a VANOS-equipped engine, be VERY careful when doing your own maintenance.

1995 Mercedes-Benz E420 (W124 - Black Pearl/Black)
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Old 07-08-2000, 04:17 PM
Zoonhollis's Avatar
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Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 551
Funny story, but I'm sure that's all it is: a story. Strange how people tend to believe the things they would like to be true.

'84 300D Euro
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Old 07-08-2000, 09:27 PM
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Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Posts: 1,342
If its true this guy narrowly missed induction into the "Darwin" awards...


(still a good laugh though)
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Old 07-08-2000, 10:13 PM
PJozefiak's Avatar
AKA Kühl Carbon@Benzsport
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Farminton Hills, MI
Posts: 93
"Induction" is right. Wow. Paul

'99 SLK230 (Bahama Blue)
17" O.Z. Racing "Vela" Modular wheels
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Custom rear wing

'96 Impala SS (Black)
17" Boyd's "Phoenix" wheels
Custom exhaust
Full custom interior(black and purple) with real carbon fiber
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'94 Firebird Formula (Turquoise)
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Old 07-10-2000, 05:28 PM
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Also called "Survival of the Fittest"!
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Old 07-10-2000, 05:43 PM
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So did he get exactly what he was bargaining for that night?


2000 Volkswagen New Beetle GLS 2.0L, Techno Blue, Gray Leather, Luxury Package, Cold Weather Package, Leather Package, 5-speed, Delivered August 3, 1999
Hakuna Matata!
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Old 07-16-2000, 04:29 PM
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Now you have to ask him, "How is it hanging?" A guy like that should take shop lessons. HEHE, Joe
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