joke thread
 

no commentary, just a 2 or 3 line joke for people to visit for a laugh....

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

:eek:Well, it's not surprising, I just got my first repair bill for my
new MB. :( :rolleyes:

Louis. :D

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his friend in the forest?

There, I fixed it for you. :D

Why doesn't Hitler drink tequila?

Because it makes him mean.

Ok, you asked for it.

In Texas we have a story that shows what a great country this is. At a rodeo, we had a horrible accident. There was a fireworks accident that killed a cowboy. After the explosion, all that was left was a cowboy hat and a horse's ass. Damned if today it isn't the President of The United States. Only in America.

A rabbi, a priest, a horse and a piece of string walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What, is this some kinda joke?"

New Campaign Slogan in Illinois: "Alan Keyes: When you absolutely, positively need a black candidate overnight!"

I beseech y'all for apolitical stuff, please.... even if it might be funny.

I'm trying to keep it one for one. As penance, I will post my Rodney Dangerfield collection:

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Mercedes Jokes

In a small town, the local minister and rabbi decided that the best use of their meager funds was to share a car and the expenses since they would use the car on different days. Despite the protest of the rabbi, the minister convinced him that a new AMG Mercedes would be a good value. One Friday afternoon, the rabbi saw the car being washed and detailed at a very pricey place and when he confronted the minister about the expense, the minister said "Well in my faith it's always proper to baptize a new member of the family!"

The next Sunday, the minister came out to the parking lot and found that someone had cut off the tips of the exhaust . . .


At a four way stop, a lawyer in a Mercedes ran the stop sign and collided with a poor parish priest in an Oldsmobile station wagon. After the impact, the lawyer went to check on the priest. "Are you alright, father?" he asked. "I think so, just a little shaken" said the priest. The lawyer went to his car and retrieved a bottle of Dewar's from the back seat bar. "Here father, a little something to calm your nerves." he said with a cut crystal glass in his hand. The priest took a few sips, felt the scotch begin to calm him a wee bit, then he said "Thank you my son, but aren't you going to have some for your nerves?" To which the lawyer said, "Certainly father, right after the police are done with the investigation."

A fellow bought a '86 300 SDL Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The windows were down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up just having added 5 gal of SVO.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer

From the book of Steven Wright:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

If you had everything, where would you put it?

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I have an existential map. It has "You Are Here" written all over it.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.



Why do cowgirls have bowlegs?

Because cowboys always wear their hats when they eat :D