My 16 year old has been sneaking out when we're not home, or after we've gone to sleep and using our cars.

The first time that my father caught him he denied it and said he was just sitting in the car, showing the car off to his friend, because I had told him it would be his if his grades were right when he turned 17.

My father said he pulled in, and got out. I gave the kid the benefit of the doubt casue my dad's not all there.

The second time was last week. When I came home, i was looking for my house keys, and noticed that the car was gone(we usually have 4-5 in the driveway). I called him, he showed up minutes later and he was punished for a week.

I warned him that if he did it again there would be physical consequences.

During his punishment, I felt bad, and bent the rules a little and let him go down the block and in front of the house. Then I let him go to the movies with his girlfriend. She was out of town all last week, he was going on a cruise with his grandparents, so they wouldn' see each other over the holidays.

Last night, I get home and my wife's car is gone. I go looking for him and find him at his girls house.

To make matters worse, I was looking for my key to thepilot for weeks, thinking I had lost it, and he had it all along, which means it's not the first time he's used that car.

Anyway he saw or heard me drive by and hurredly went home at which point things got physical. He's a big kid at almost 6' so a spanking would not have done much.


Nothing abusive, no punches, a hair pull to extricate him from my car, followed by a nice ear pull to get his attention, etc..... while expletives were being tossed out like a sub-machine gun. I treated him like he was a young man, not a kid.

I got his attention , that's for sure. Now I feel bad. My wife's pissed, not at me, just the whole situation. But her silence towards me makes me feel worse.

I never physically discipline him, although I have threatened to do so over the years. The last time he got spanked was maybe 8 years ago.

He is now punished for 30 days, can't leave the house and his cell phone has been confiscated.

He's a sneaky little bastard who has been warned, gone against my wishes and has lied repeatedly to my face.

Am I the only one who feels guity after this stuff happens?


Maybe it was long deserved.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

being 16 myself.. id say he wa asking for it.. taking a car not yours multiple times going out without asking.. disrepecting your parents.. yea he was asking for it... if i ever did something like that my parents would probably ground me til im 40 and take my car to the salvage yard and make me watch it get crushed!

You did right. Stick by your guns. They need discipline and also stick to the punishment as much as you will probably want to reduce it after a week or so of good behavior. Let him know you mean what you say.

Too big for physical punishment, that will only make him resentful and rebellious.

You're doing the right thing now, though you probably shouldn't have relented in the previous punishment. But that's the 20/20 hindsight thing. (Unless that's your pattern of saying one thing and doing another. In which case he thinks that is what he should expect from you).

Have you ever tried a written contract? In which you lay-out your expectations of him concerning your property and also detail the benefits of compliance and the punishment of noncompliance. You, Mrs Plantman, and your boy all discuss it. Make adjustments if they're reasonable. Then everybody signs it. I've never done that but I have heard it works in some families.

The problem is breaking the habit in which he believes the reward of sneaking and lying are worth the punishment.

Bot

Something a lot of forum members taught me recently is that punishment can be good, but if you don't follow it up with several 2 hour conversations about why... and continue, over time, to re-emphisize your feelings about the issue, you will never win him over to your team.
You can leave the term open like I did "grounded... maybe forever... until I decide'. Then use his new found dependence on your 'favor' to open up lines of communication about what will be considered acceptable.
In the end you can't control him forever... but while he lives in your house you can make his life a living hell

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-Marty

1986 300E 220,000 miles+ transmission impossible
(Now waiting under a bridge in order to become one)

Reading your M103 duty cycle:
http://www.peachparts.com/shopforum/showpost.php?p=831799&postcount=13
http://www.peachparts.com/shopforum/showpost.php?p=831807&postcount=14

Feeling guilty? You should feel guilty for teaching the kid that there's no consequences for his actions. I'd yank his license and access to all vehicles until he managed to convince me he could be trusted.

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1989 300 SEL that mostly works, but needs TLC

I agree about the physical punishment, to a point. He has always been fearful of getting his ass kicked by me. Now that it has actually happened, perhaps he will take me at my word a bit more.

I've been telling him for years that if he did this or that, that he would get whacked, and it's never happened. Not even when he got busted at shool for the weed issue. I should have probably done it then, to show that I was serious. Maybe this episode could have been avoided.

Ultimately, it all comes back to me. If I punish him and let him off easy, he just expects the same to happen.

If you recall, I thought about the possibility of giving him a car for his 17th bday if his grades were acceptable. Well, in his mind, he probably figured that I would back off and give him the car anyway 'cause his grades have not gotten any better.

He knows how to work his mom though, cause he was all bummed out today, telling her how all of his friends have cars,jobs, money, etc... and their grades are worse than his. My wife was a friggin mess. My wife neglected to tell him that maybe they had money because they had jobs!

If his grades are not what they are supposed to be by April 20th, I will put a big for sale sign on the 240D to show him I'm serious.

Thanks

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

Don't want to control him forever. I just want him to appreciate that he is using something that doesn't belong to him, w/o permission. Additionally, I have tried to explain to him the risks of having an accident at that age and the high cost of insurance afterwards.

My brother in law had an accident at 18 and his parents premiums went up to 8000.00 per year to cover HIM alone.

I want him to drive and have a car, when I am confident he can drive properly, and has a job to pay for his auto related expenses.

Like I said earlier, a lot of it is my fault by giving him ***** when he hasn't earned it.

I should follow my own advise.

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

wow wow wow, lets not get crazy now, a for sale sign on that 240D is a little out of hand. Maybe you could put the sign on it, but not sell it?

What car was he sneaking off with?

my parents said their is no way ill ever be able to sneak out with my 300D .. or sneak in .. you can hear that sucker from inside .. its not that its running crappy its just the diesel engine sound and i live on a slight hill so i cant coast in.. diesel's are great birth control devices apparently

While I'm not a fan of physical punishment at all, I understand how a quick slap on the butt of a child can get their attention, and don't fault folks who take this route.

That being siad, 16 is way too old for any kind of physical punishment. Setting aside whether or not one believes it's cruel, it's just entirely inneffective, and likely counter-productive. If you can't have a calm, cool and rational discussion with a teenager, they'll hear nothing. If you're pissed, wait until the anger subsides, otherwise you'll just make things worse.

Calm and cool doesn't suggest a lack of firmness - on the contrary, I'd do as others have suggested and take the keys, revoke driving privileges, etc. I'd just not do it with anger in my voice, and I'd make sure the kid understood why it was being done, and exactly what it would take to get back in my good graces...

Let me see:

1993 E150 Cargo Van(wife cauhgt him 2 days after gettting his license)
1983 240D(dad caught him) 1 day after getting his license
2005 Pilot(last night)

He admitted to doing it another 3 times, which means 9.

Had he moved my SDL, he would be in for it for sure.

I told him last night, that all he has to do to have everything he wants is to be a good student. Apparently, that does not interest him and he wants stuff w/o doing anything for it.

He's ***** out of luck now!

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Enough about me, how are you doing?

Exactly....you said it yourself:
"I warned him that if he did it again there would be physical consequences.

During his punishment, I felt bad, and bent the rules a little and let him go down the block and in front of the house. Then I let him go to the movies with his girlfriend."
If you threaten consequences and don't deliver that only reinforces the idea that there are NO consequences and he can do what he wants.
If you make a threat you must stick by it. If you can't don't threaten then.

I go through this with my son time to time, except I don't make idle threats. He know's privaledges need to be earned. One of my favorites is removing his bedroom door. That gets his attention real fast!

Danny

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1984 300SD Turbo Diesel 150,000 miles

OBK member #23

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Does it feel to you as though your are in some sort of power struggle? I think that is pretty common for young men and their dad.

I wouldn't be feeling bad for getting physical. From the sounds of things, it was long overdue. However, I'd make it plain that the next time he took off with one of the cars, it would be reported stolen. At 17, there isn't much time left to teach the kid right and wrong. Let him get picked up, and then talk to the arresting officer about some form of scared straight routine. I wouldn't follow through with filing charges, as that would make things a mess for both of you.