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  #1  
Old 02-07-2006, 01:43 PM
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Messed up family.....

This one should get a rise out of some of you.

I've been taking care of my father for almost 1 year now, after his stroke, with little if any help from my sisters.

They live 2 miles away from me, and the assisted living facility he was in was .8 miles from their house.

I've never asked for their help, only if I drop him off for a bit( 1 hour tops) maybe for them to bring him back home. The reason I bring him over is for him to visit his 8 month old grandson, who brings him great joy as you can imagine.

This has happened maybe 5 times and not lately at that. I usually aways bring him when I visit the baby and my neice(who I helped raise).

I grant my older sister a scholarship because my dad focked her up when they were young, and they didn't speak for a long time. Even she has helped me do certain things, not for his sake but for mine.

The little beatch, never. Not once has she gotten into her car and brought the kid over to visit, unless there was an ulterior motive.

My dad is self sufficient financially, but he's been staying here for almost 4 months and has paid nothing, nor have I asked him. He would do the same for me if roles were reversed.

Anyway, the other night I get a call from my brother in law and he say's "Ricky, let me have your dad's socail security #"

I look at my phone as if I were hearing things and say "what for?"

He replies, "because if I put down that he lives with us, we won't have to pay that much in taxes".

I stare at my phone again, and reply, "you can't, because I may claim him as a dependent on mine" I hadn't thought about that actually, but would have had to discuss it with my accountant and my dad before doing so.

He tells me, in a huff, "OK never mind" and hangs up.

It turns out that they were doing their taxes at the time and wanted/needed the info right then and there.

Does that sound off the wall or what?

I haven't addressed the issue with my youngest sister yet, to see if it was his idea or hers because my oldest sister just had surgery and the time is not right for a fight.

Hypocrisy at it's ultimate is what I see. How can you not give a rat's ass about someone when he can obviously use some help in recuperating from a stroke, yet even think of using him for financial gain.

I'd hate to think that my sister is that messed up, but it would not surprise me. 2 months ago, her account had some fradulent activity on it and she was overrawn 500.00.

She asked me to borrow it, and if I was unable to, she would ask my father.

I lent it to her so my father would be spared the anguish of having to deal with it.

She plans on paying me this week.

I'm all ears.

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  #2  
Old 02-07-2006, 01:53 PM
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I don't know what to say but you must make your decisions as PRIMARY caretaker completely disconnected from your "family",believe me,I know!

Remember what Henry Ford the first said,"keep away from your family,they'll give you a helluva lotta trouble".
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  #3  
Old 02-07-2006, 01:56 PM
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  #4  
Old 02-07-2006, 02:02 PM
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I don't think it is your little sis. It has to be her husband! I would get everyone together and have a serious family discussion and I really don't want to bring it up but when the time comes for your dad to be buried, it will be "the rest" who will be the most interested in the inheritance. You really need to have an EXTREMELY serious talk with EVERYONE present including your dad. Sorry to hear of your troubles.
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  #5  
Old 02-07-2006, 02:12 PM
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Plantman.. you're really a noble guy with balls to have the responsibility to take care of your own father in poor health. Good deeds don't go overlooked.

As for your family not wanting to help you, but instead wanting to use your father for their financial advantage..... screw them. I've seen and also have heard of similar situations... and unfortunately its not as uncommon as one might think. I've seen similar behaviors at a wealthy jewish nursing home where I sometimes volunteer.. where the residents complain about how their own children are trying to screw them.

If you're brothers/sisters are not willing to sacrifice for their own blood relative(especially their own father).. why should they get any financial tax break?
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  #6  
Old 02-07-2006, 02:59 PM
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Sounds like you have a regular family and not a messed up one.
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  #7  
Old 02-07-2006, 03:23 PM
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It's really unfortunate, not that they don't want to help, I can't/don't expect it from them, but that they want ANY type of financial gain.

The way I see it, they shouldn't even want to borrow his car, let alone borrow any money.

My friend bought my father 4 packs of cigarettes the other day, which is 4 more than my sister has ever brought him.(since his stroke)

Additionally, if they were/are in a really bad tax situation, and wanted to do so, they should have asked a long time ago, not when their taxes were getting prepared.

I agree that a family talk is in order, if that's what you want to call them.

I'll wait a few days until my older sister heals up a bit after her surgery and try and talk to them(sisters) about it.

My brother in law should have nothing to do with anything to do with my father, or for that matter, nothing to do with my conversations with my sisters.

My little sisters problem is that she puts her husband up to ask me things she can't.

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  #8  
Old 02-07-2006, 03:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aklim
Sounds like you have a regular family and not a messed up one.

You may be right about that one.

If this is inspired by money, I'd hate to see what happens when someone really has some.

My dad has his pension and ss, when he croaks, he'll leave behind about 10K, which I don't want or need, I'll gladly give it to my older sister, and reluctantly to the younger one, although she won't deserve it.

Between his house and therapist, he manages to save about 600.00 per month of his income, hopefully that will go up after he stops therapy.
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  #9  
Old 02-07-2006, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plantman
This one should get a rise out of some of you.

I've been taking care of my father for almost 1 year now, after his stroke, with little if any help from my sisters.

They live 2 miles away from me, and the assisted living facility he was in was .8 miles from their house.

I've never asked for their help, only if I drop him off for a bit( 1 hour tops) maybe for them to bring him back home. The reason I bring him over is for him to visit his 8 month old grandson, who brings him great joy as you can imagine.

This has happened maybe 5 times and not lately at that. I usually aways bring him when I visit the baby and my neice(who I helped raise).

I grant my older sister a scholarship because my dad focked her up when they were young, and they didn't speak for a long time. Even she has helped me do certain things, not for his sake but for mine.

The little beatch, never. Not once has she gotten into her car and brought the kid over to visit, unless there was an ulterior motive.

My dad is self sufficient financially, but he's been staying here for almost 4 months and has paid nothing, nor have I asked him. He would do the same for me if roles were reversed.

Anyway, the other night I get a call from my brother in law and he say's "Ricky, let me have your dad's socail security #"

I look at my phone as if I were hearing things and say "what for?"

He replies, "because if I put down that he lives with us, we won't have to pay that much in taxes".

I stare at my phone again, and reply, "you can't, because I may claim him as a dependent on mine" I hadn't thought about that actually, but would have had to discuss it with my accountant and my dad before doing so.

He tells me, in a huff, "OK never mind" and hangs up.

It turns out that they were doing their taxes at the time and wanted/needed the info right then and there.

Does that sound off the wall or what?

I haven't addressed the issue with my youngest sister yet, to see if it was his idea or hers because my oldest sister just had surgery and the time is not right for a fight.

Hypocrisy at it's ultimate is what I see. How can you not give a rat's ass about someone when he can obviously use some help in recuperating from a stroke, yet even think of using him for financial gain.

I'd hate to think that my sister is that messed up, but it would not surprise me. 2 months ago, her account had some fradulent activity on it and she was overrawn 500.00.

She asked me to borrow it, and if I was unable to, she would ask my father.

I lent it to her so my father would be spared the anguish of having to deal with it.

She plans on paying me this week.

I'm all ears.

I know families like this all too well. People think because a person is your sibling or a even a parent, that they have your best interest at heart. Bull*****. Most people only care about themselves.

You're a good person. And with all due, respect, your brother in law seems like a scum bag.

That's just my somewhat dis-respectful opinion.

Pete
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  #10  
Old 02-07-2006, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plantman
If this is inspired by money, I'd hate to see what happens when someone really has some.

My dad has his pension and ss, when he croaks, he'll leave behind about 10K, which I don't want or need, I'll gladly give it to my older sister, and reluctantly to the younger one, although she won't deserve it.

Between his house and therapist, he manages to save about 600.00 per month of his income, hopefully that will go up after he stops therapy.
Till that happens, you ain't seen ugly yet.

Watch the fur fly. Cat fight.

Keep accurate records lest you get accused of embezzling the money. Trust me, I've seen that.
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  #11  
Old 02-07-2006, 03:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GottaDiesel
I know families like this all too well. People think because a person is your sibling or a even a parent, that they have your best interest at heart. Bull*****. Most people only care about themselves.

You're a good person. And with all due, respect, your brother in law seems like a scum bag.

That's just my somewhat dis-respectful opinion.

Pete
I keep on trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's getting very hard.

My sister and he are one and the same. He is pussywhipped and does whatever she wants, so maybe it's not all his doing. He just doesn't have the balls to stand up to her.

When we were growing up and struggling because of my fathers infidelity, my little sister was spared most of the necessity because my older sister worked 3 jobs to make ends meet. As did my mom, so she more or less was pretty normal.

Over the last 12 years, since my neice was born, she has been pretty much given everything. Cars, $$$$, house, education, plus everything my neice ever needed. By me and my older sister mostly, plus my father and late mother. My father and I bought them(down payment and closing costs) the house that they live in now.

Now she's a nurse and her husband is a stay at home dad, who goes to school at night, trying to be an EMT.

He tried to go to CPU school a few years ago, bu turned out to be useless at that. Incidentally, my father signed the loan for him with Sallie Mae, which they pay.

Whenever they get in a financial jam, they always aske me or my father, but I've never noticed his family help out. Nice people, I just think he's burned them before so he doesn't ask.
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Old 02-07-2006, 04:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Plantman
I keep on trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's getting very hard.

My sister and he are one and the same. He is pussywhipped and does whatever she wants, so maybe it's not all his doing. He just doesn't have the balls to stand up to her.

When we were growing up and struggling because of my fathers infidelity, my little sister was spared most of the necessity because my older sister worked 3 jobs to make ends meet. As did my mom, so she more or less was pretty normal.

Over the last 12 years, since my neice was born, she has been pretty much given everything. Cars, $$$$, house, education, plus everything my neice ever needed. By me and my older sister mostly, plus my father and late mother. My father and I bought them(down payment and closing costs) the house that they live in now.

Now she's a nurse and her husband is a stay at home dad, who goes to school at night, trying to be an EMT.

He tried to go to CPU school a few years ago, bu turned out to be useless at that. Incidentally, my father signed the loan for him with Sallie Mae, which they pay.

Whenever they get in a financial jam, they always aske me or my father, but I've never noticed his family help out. Nice people, I just think he's burned them before so he doesn't ask.

Enough said! They're losers and you're being taken advantage of. Sorry to say that, but it seems pretty clear to me. Keep in mind, when my ex's family tried to take advantage of me I told them to go F- themselves in the anus. In the end I'm sure it didn't do much to help the situation and in the end she left. Users are users. I can spot them a mile away. I think that may be my reason for my Jane & Joe thread. I seem to attract people that are users and learn too late. But then what happens is I start to hope that they aren't users and try to work things out. I've learned that lawyers have a great value in this department. If I chick wants to mess with my heart, I can deal with that. You want to mess with my wallet I can assure you, you're going to lose. No matter what it takes.

Pete
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  #13  
Old 02-07-2006, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by w126
Maybe you've already written about this and I don't mean to sound morbid (this could many years down the road), but it's important: Does he have a living will?

Are his wishes spelled out explicity as to how he wants or does not want to live in the final days? Last thing you want for him is to fight with family over how you or they think he should spend his last days on this earth.
I would take that a step further and tell you to get yourself as your fathers power of attorney right away.

I don't think the way your relatives act is normal at all. It seems to me they are out for themselves and screw everyone else. These are the type of people that continually take handouts and think the world owes them everything.

I'm kind of in a similar situation. My younger brother had a heart attack just before Thanksgiving. He was in a coma for about 6 weeks and is still in a somewhat vegetative state.
For the whole 6 weeks there was ALWAYS someone at the hospital. Day or night. I stayed there myself over the Christmas holiday. Everyone is lined up to help out and take care of the kids. I only wish I wasn't 150 miles away or I would help out a lot more too. Cash donations have been pouring in.
This is how families act. They come together in times of crisis. Everything else is just plain selfishness.

But then again your fathers infidelity could be the reason for your families lacadaisical attitude towards your father.
Just keep doing what your doing. Your not responsible for what other people do your only responsible for yourself.

Danny
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  #14  
Old 02-07-2006, 08:41 PM
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My father's infidelity is definitely the reason why my older sister is distant, and even she volunteers sometimes.

The little beatch always claims she has no patience with him( as she throws her hand over her head for effect) but had plenty of patience when he was willing and able to send her $$$$$.

After she graduated nursing school and started making 60K per year, I told her in a nice way that she was on her own, to not look to me for anymore handouts.

I could care less whether or not she\he\them help me with my father. He's improved a lot and is left alone for hours at a time. Just don't be a friggin' hypocrite.

My dad has a living will and I am in charge of all of his financial affairs. He has a house that he owns(not paid for) that I will take over when he passes. That's the deal he and I made since I found it for him after numerour trips to Central florida to find it, I have helped him to buy it and to make repairs. I am on the title with him with right to survivorship.

I would tell them to f@ck off, and may have to still, but it will affect my ability to see my neice. I raised her until my sister got amrried a few years back. She actually thought I was her dad until she started to make sense of things. That would kill me if I had problems seeing her.

My nephew is only 7 months old and I haven't been able to, nor will I be able to get to close to him the way things are going.

Oh well! At least my son is doing much better in school and my stepson got his GED and looking to go to college in the summer.

Thanks guys. I always welcome the suggestions and advise.
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Old 02-08-2006, 12:16 PM
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1) My family sucks too- to the tune of a $xxk inheritance due my mother... Its a huge story and it stinks all the way around, but IMHO Plantman, your family is normal for 2006. (Some good sibilings, some bad, some that are ok...)

2) It kills me when I hear an older person (uncle, aunt, grandparent...) say "I'd do this or cut off this but I dont want to risk not being able to see my niece/nephew/grandchild.
It kills me - the errant parent(s) give no damn about what the others think , I dont think it occurs to them that they are using their children against someone else. In divorce, no one would ever admit to using a child against someone ("no, I wouldnt do that to my kids...") but in Aged parents/IneedFreeDayCare/IneedaTaxWriteoff, Kids are "used" all the time.

Temper my post with this:
I used to want to slap a grandparent who said, "I dont wanna piss off my daughter in law, she might not bring her kids over"...
Until I heard the story of another grandparent, who said 'I'm not helping my son anymore' and by extension sad 'I dont care what happens to my grandchild...' My heart has changed, I see the need for compassion...but both situations still suck.

I Hope you can see your way in Peace Dude, Your good deeds and work are worth the effort.

-John

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