Wright On
 

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Great!
 

That was great, Bot. Thanks for the laughs this morning.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

I needed that, thanks!

A woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man...

Which one?

How many ya got? It might be a draw if you have more than one- the high maintenace one or the frumpalish one...you have to decide. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

Each one in their own way, I suppose . . .
 

I'm going with the high-maintenance one. :whip: because she's the one that makes me :dancefool when we :jigga: !

From another site noted elsewhere...

Isn't it ironic that only one company makes the game "Monopoly"...

I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I used to be apathetic, but these days I just couldn't be bothered.

I've told you a billion times not to exaggerate!

All extremists should be shot!

The shortest sentence in the english language is:
I will.

The longest sentence is:
I do.

advisory
 

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how Scottish practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of sheep that kick

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

Q. What is a yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

Q. What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud

Q. How do you circumsize a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 pounds

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 minutes

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact
A. Breasts don't have eyes

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch