With the exception of the awl, there is classic precedent for the man's actions.

Plutarch says that Chrysippus praised Diogenes for masturbating himself in the middle of the marketplace, and for saying to the bystanders: 'Would to Heaven that by rubbing my stomach in the same fashion, I could satisfy my hunger.'

Well, in defense of the guy there was apparently a sign posted nearby that sharply stated"Members only permitted beyond this point"

Moving up a notch to medieval times is the tale in Chaucer about the Friar walking to the Monastery with a hen and rooster under each arm,his cord came loose exposing his member,so he asked another Monk to hold his cock and pullet for awhile.

Why were firefighters called to the scene? What the hell were they going to do?

I'll ask the instructors in our Fire Science program what is the standard procedure for extinguishing a masturbating man with an awl up his ass. Must be in the manual somewhere.

I dunno,check his hose and nozzle?give him an enema perhaps?

Sounds like the same guy who finaly got it right... the three squares a day, awaiting in prison, were eventually obtainable by rubbing the aforementioned organ exclusively.

And the cops said, "a stool?"

Guy: Nope, a tool. :)
Cops: Do you have a vehicle?
Guy: Yes, three.
Cops: What happened?
Guy: I rectum.

Maybe he was trying to write a note or something and needed a semicolon.

Dear authorities,
Awl located here:

Or maybe he was trying for some holey *****.

...or, point out the rings of Uranus.

Ya'll analyze this.

Well at least he's not dead.

Awl's well that ends well.

I have the perfect alibi for this guy. He was just answering the cawl of nature. Yep that's it.

PS: Don't ban me.