PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum - Message from John Cleese

A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA

and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will

resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will

appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and

the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to

determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are

introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at

just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and

the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected

to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"

and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no

such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft

spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The

Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're

not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're

not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist

then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous

than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable

peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good.

When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving

on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with

immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and

metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling

gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not

real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called

crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup

but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.

Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European

brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest

sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of

British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.

Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was

an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper

football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to

play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve

stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a

bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you,

like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event

called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since

only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is

understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans

first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government

will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to

1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high

quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese