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What happened to actually "parenting" your children ?
My best friend of 20+ years:
GARY: He and his wife are getting divorced... For the last 2 years. She moved out in August 2006. All over a B/J he got at his batchelor party in 1997. She pressed him to tell the truth about it for years. Two years ago, he finally did. He didn't keep it from her to be a liar about it. He did it because he regreted it and knew how she'd react, as evidenced. There was more over the years that she can't forgive so what's done is done. I'm not going to elaborate on their part because it's the kids that concern me. Gary seems to be over-compensating for the shortcomings he had with his 16 y/o daughter with his 9 year old son. Max is up til damn near midnight on school nights. Rather than homework, dinner then XBox, it's the complete opposite. Max will hit the XBox or PS3 right at 4pm and not hit homework til 8-9 pm. Dinner usually consists of a deep-fried something, usually chicken (Gary actually went out and bought a deep fryer), french fries, mashed potatoes,corn,etc OR: A marinated london broil with the same sides. And McDonalds 3-4 times a week. When I was a kid, Fast food was a once or twice a month "treat", so to speak. His beverage intake is usually sweet sodas, Gatorade,lemon aid, iced tea,etc. The kid rarely drinks simply water or eats fresh fruit or veggies. Gary is almost knowingly doing this. He's trying too hard to be Max' friend and not his father. And the late nights is a somewhat selfish need on Gary's part to spend as much time as possible with Max. I lived with him for a year before I moved down here to Texas and I saw this on a daily basis. I spoke to him many times about Max' future at this rate. Max has put on 15-20 lbs since I've left and it's not a "good" 15-20 lbs. I almost called that tv show "Honey, We're Killing the Kids". There's barely a healthy thing in the house to eat because "it's what Max likes". I once was cooking some boneless-skinless chicken breasts and tried to get Max to try it. "What's that ?" "It's chicken. Wanna try it ?" "That's not chicken !!".. Unless it's friend or in some "McNugget" form, you have a better chance of seeing Moses than getting Max to eat it. TYREE: She's my love's best friend, or FORMER best friend at this point. Travis is 7 and Bridgette is 3. Travis isn't too bad but has his moments. Last summer while I was visiting, Travis was sick. Two weeks go by and all she says is: "He'll be fine". Well pnuemonia and breathing treatments for a month later, he was "fine". Bridgette (3) has gotten out of the house on numerous occassions, last time we're aware of was Super Bowl Sunday at 8:30pm, when a neighbor 4 houses away, brought her home by the hand. Bridgette has also, on 3 occassions in the last few months, gotten a hold of scissors and taken huge clumps of her hair out to the scalp. THREE F***ING TIMES !?!?! Whenever Bridgette throws a tantrum, which is almost hourly, Tyree just gets a glazed over look. Her hubby is in Iraq (by choice as a civilian contractor) and she seems to be vindictive about having to deal with the kids on her own. The one response I can't seem to handle is: "Well, you don't have kids so you don't know." BULL$HIT. What 'degree" do you hold in child rearing ? What did you do other than give birth ? Wrong is wrong whether done to a child or to an adult. Bridgette gets hold of scissors ? Put the damn things where she can't get to them. Since when does the 9 year old dictate what he eats and when he will do homework or go to bed ? Not to sound like a old fart but damn. If I behaved like any of them to my dad, I wouldn't be here typing this today and his ass would still be in jail... lol. I've exhausted myself talking to gary about it and have basically given up. Same goes for her towards Tyree. Tyree actually told my g/f off.... Herein lies the future... Take me quickly and painlessly.
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Sharing my partner's 2012 Forte 5dr SX til I find my next 123 or 126.. - Do I miss being a service advisor ??? Last edited by AdvisorGuy; 03-31-2008 at 12:03 PM. |
#2
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However, I can somewhat sympathize a bit, as many of us "parents" discovered that some of the lofty parental traits we vowed to implement, and the habits and values we sought to instill in our kids sometimes fall short for a variety of reasons. One of the most frustrating factors is trying to "rule with an iron fist" in a society with lenient parental tendencies. Couple that with the media and internet's extremely strong attempts to exploit your children's thought and behavioral processes. And of course, their social peers (also raised by lenient parents) seek to persuade your children's image of what proper social behavior should look like. Finally, legal limits prevent people of authority from enforcing effective disciplinary action. So "real" parenting is an exhaustive and extremely time-consuming process. It also takes a great deal of saavy to be effective. On a daily basis though, a parent much choose what battles are worth fighting, since merely deciding to lock the house down, block out the TV and internet, and home-school until they're 18, isn't a viable option for most.
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2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle 2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car 2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver 2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car Last edited by G-Benz; 03-31-2008 at 12:46 PM. |
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Super Nanny??? I'm also an older kid-less guy and I observe the same things going on with the people around me. Many times kids become the pawns in the war that begins between parents when they split up and it's a competetion to see who can please the kids the best rather than actually rearing them like they were supposed to.
There is a whole generation of kids now days who have never had the ass-whipping they need and as a result, they don't ever develop a sense of consequences for their actions. I believe (personal theory) that this change in parenting has generated things like "extreme sports" and "jackass" TV shows where people have no fear of doing anything no matter how outlandish. Let me take a wild guess... These folks had their kids in their early 20's... I could go on and on about this topic...
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-Evan Benz Fleet: 1968 UNIMOG 404.114 1998 E300 2008 E63 Non-Benz Fleet: 1992 Aerostar 1993 MR2 2000 F250 |
#4
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How you parent/raise/deal with your own children is a DIRECT reflection on you. The job you do raising your children is the single most important thing you will do in your lifetime, and will have the most bearing on this human race of ours.
I simply will not associate with people who are so irresponsible with their children. Period. I don't need people like that in my life. Am I a perfect parent? H#ll no. No one could say that. But the situations you describe above are people who are so lazy and careless that they are not even trying. Trying, failing, learning, and re-trying is part and parcel to parenting and life, but there is no excuse for not trying. None. |
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Raising children to be good and productive members of society is not for the faint of heart.
It takes the patience of Job, the wisdom of Solomon and the strength of Samson. Most of all, it takes endless amounts of love. I love all of my children, but there have been times when I have not liked them very much. I have not, however, stopped loving them even for a fraction of a second. There is no magic formula. As GBenz said, many of the preconceived notions that prospective parents have go out the window soon after the birth of the first child. I know that this may be hard for a childless person to understand and accept; but until you are confronted face to face with the daily realities of raising a child you are really sailing on uncharted waters.
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Current Benzes 1989 300TE "Alice" 1990 300CE "Sam Spade" 1991 300CE "Beowulf" RIP (06.1991 - 10.10.2007) 1998 E320 "Orson" 2002 C320 Wagon "Molly Fox" Res non semper sunt quae esse videntur My Gallery Not in this weather! |
#6
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All true Ernesto, but it also takes EFFORT, which is what is unfortunately lacking in many "households."
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#7
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Agreed!
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Current Benzes 1989 300TE "Alice" 1990 300CE "Sam Spade" 1991 300CE "Beowulf" RIP (06.1991 - 10.10.2007) 1998 E320 "Orson" 2002 C320 Wagon "Molly Fox" Res non semper sunt quae esse videntur My Gallery Not in this weather! |
#8
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I'm not going to lambast legal limits on parents, child abuse laws or departments of family services- for the most part, they are good and reasonable. Those that keep wishing for "kids these days to get the ass-whooping they deserve" need to face the fact that, in 2008, giving a child an "ass-whoppin" is a legally scary course of action - too easy to become a dreaded "child molester" and lose your kids/get branded for life. Add to that school administations - who used to be legally free to slap wrists/spank/detention and whatever. You can argue that these are not effective diciplinary measures, but what if thats what the parent wants ? Can the parent come to school and "whoop their child's ass" whenever he/she needs it ? No- we've hamstrung our old methods of raising children - correct or not. Parenting in 2008 is not what it was in 1958. -John
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2009 Kia Sedona 2009 Honda Odyssey EX-L 12006 Jetta Pumpe Duse (insert Mercedes here) Husband, Father, sometimes friend =) |
#9
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We have friends on both sides of the spectrum, all with two kids. One couple's children were expected to toe their line on every daily detail and if they wavered the loud yelling started. There were times when my wife and I were saying to ourselves "Did they really get yelled at for doing that???" And on the other side we have friends who give little to no discipline. The standard response was to "stop being silly/a silly goose." Their kids' behavior is about where you would expect it to be, including playful hits into mom's face with a hand. And on some strange third side we have another couple who shall nameless, but they rhyme with my other and his life, who discipline their kids for the strangest things and let them get away with other seemingly more agregious behavior. Yet they don't seem to have a problem telling our kids what to do. I think we're somewhere in the middle of the first two examples. There are times when we think our kids are being P'sITA and afterward we hear how well behaved they were when they didn't have to say anything. My oldest son (10yo) is a handful and gets the most disclipline as a result. I don't know that that's been the most effective way to deal with him or not. The jury is still out. He doesn't get away with anything but it doesn't exactly keep him from trying to again. It's far from an exact science. But there are times when you just feel like bopping a parent over their head and asking them how they don't see something as wrong.
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1980 300TD-China Blue/Blue MBTex-2nd Owner, 107K (Alt Blau) OBK #15 '06 Chevy Tahoe Z71 (for the wife & 4 kids, current mule) '03 Honda Odyssey (son #1's ride, reluctantly) '99 GMC Suburban (255K+ miles, semi-retired mule) 21' SeaRay Seville (summer escape pod) |
#10
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People have already covered "effort" in the thread. What I am finding equally important in my (albeit limited) experience is "consistency". Teaching your kid how to behave, especially when they are very young, almost amounts to "training" them. If you can think of a less-demeaning word, feel free to substitute it. But I have my most success when my son learns that there are consistent results for behavior, both good and bad. How can I expect him to learn what I expect if I can't send a clear and consistent message? This is an especially big challenge for me as my in-laws care for him during the day. There can't be two different sets of rules for two different households, otherwise how can I expect him to know what is expected of him?
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Jonathan 2011 Mazda2 2000 E320 4Matic Wagon 1994 C280 (retired) |
#11
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"Parents"! Bah
AdvisorGuy quotes people who say to him, "Well, you don't have kids so you don't know."
Yeah? Well, I don't need to actually jump out of an airplane without a parachute to know what the outcome will be, do I? Yes, it's true that parents today are scared to death of the legalities that can be aimed at 'em if they smack or otherwise sharply discipline their children . . . and the children know it. I wouldn't put it past some of the little snots to call Child Protective Services and rat out their own parents; in fact it's probably happened more often than I want to know about. This past Friday evening I went to a nice little neighborhood pizza/pasta place. As soon as I walked in I knew I was making a mistake. Four tables had been pushed together for 3 adults and 7 children. Hardly one of the children was in a seat. They were running around like chimps on crack, the tiniest one was letting out earsplitting wails, and half the pizzas they'd ordered were sitting on the pans getting cold. And the parents were as oblivious to the disruption and noise as cows are to cancer research. Obviously the little monsters were (a) too young in several cases to be eating in a public place, and (b) if they were old enough, had never been taught to sit their tails in a seat, eat, and behave like civilized humans. When they left, I stood up and applauded, and one of the remaining adult patrons gave me the thumbs-up. My waitress told me later, "We hate big families. They make us work twice as hard, and they never tip!" Imagine what the world will be like when these undisciplined, entitlement-mad brats are all that companies can find to hire. I do hope I never see it. .
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* * -- Paul W. (The Benzadmiral) ('03 Buick Park Avenue, charcoal/cream) Formerly: '97 C230, smoke silver/parchment; '86 420SEL, anthracite/light grey; '84 280CE (W123), dark blue/palomino Last edited by Benzadmiral; 04-17-2008 at 10:06 AM. |
#12
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That is the company's fault though. There are some restaurants that will tell you outright that they will toss out disruptive kids.
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01 Ford Excursion Powerstroke 99 E300 Turbodiesel 91 Vette with 383 motor 05 Polaris Sportsman 800 EFI 06 Polaris Sportsman 500 EFI 03 SeaDoo GTX SC Red 03 SeaDoo GTX SC Yellow 04 Tailgator 21 ft Toy Hauler 11 Harley Davidson 883 SuperLow |
#13
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Wow. "Playful hits into Mom's face?" WOW!!! I have one friend who was telling me about some acquaintances of his wife. Apparently this couple has a six or seven-year-old who is out of hand. On three different occasions when these folks came to my friend's house, the child "playfully" ran up to my buddy and kicked him in the shin as hard as he could. The third time, my buddy kicked him back!! I don't know what the immediate reaction was but suffice it to say that family is justifiably no longer welcome in my buddy's home! |
#14
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Now, to their brothers and/or sister might be another story.
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1980 300TD-China Blue/Blue MBTex-2nd Owner, 107K (Alt Blau) OBK #15 '06 Chevy Tahoe Z71 (for the wife & 4 kids, current mule) '03 Honda Odyssey (son #1's ride, reluctantly) '99 GMC Suburban (255K+ miles, semi-retired mule) 21' SeaRay Seville (summer escape pod) |
#15
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Sadly, a combination of cultural and sociological changes have affected people's parenting skills.
1) High divorce rate 2) Lack of education, role models 3) Increase dependence on education system and "outsourcing" parenting 4) Economic pressures on households resulting in less "home time" 5) "Me generation" meets "Give me" offspring Lots of other reasons. However, that's not to say that parenting has not been tough throughout the ages, each generation faces their own challenges. |
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