How to poop at work.
 

I used the bathroom today at work (yes for #2), and my boss gave this to me....


HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom

lol @ turd burgler!

Great list, but I have one addition

CHATTY NEIGHBOR

You are doing your best to take care of business quickly and efficiently. After carefully choosing the most appropriate stall (based on cleanliness, sufficient bath tissue, and a minimum one stall separation from a fellow patron), your privacy is invaded by a newcomer who wishes to engage in conversation. Only under an emergency situation should any verbal exchange take place at any time with an occupant of a closed door stall.

That's all so funny because it true! Another couple of the most annoying to me are:

The cell phone chatter... Shut up and take care of business!

The "happy pooper". It annoys the crap out of me (literally) to hear someone come in the restroom, humming and whistling. He sits down in the next stall, usually with a newspaper and gets to work like one of the seven dwarfs. Whistling and grunting, he's an obvious "out of the closet" pooper - "dum, de dum, dum", humming while he executes several blasting "jailbreaks" without the benefit of a courtesy flush or a camo-cough...

Disgusting, shut up already... :rolleyes:

Cardinal Rule: Flush early and often.;)

What about the Orgasmic Pooper,every bowel movement is a cause celebre accompanied by oohhs,ahhs and stifled grunts as if the voiding of their colon was the most pleasant experience of their lives and they desperately wish to share their enthusiasm.

Bathroom Etiquette site:D

http://www.icbe.org/those-one-person-bathrooms/

KING-SIZE TORPEDO

Sometimes these happen and no amount of flushing and silent cursing will avoid the imminent janitor call. Could be followed by the WALK OF SHAME.

Dig. How 'bout the guy who suddenly says "Hey, what's up?" from the stall next to you? 99 times out of 100 he's on the cell phone, so you have to pause and see if his conversation continues before replying (or just ignore him altogether). I can see "multitasking" like this at home, but not in a public restroom. My goodness.

Maybe there needs to be another entry for these folks: THE MULTITASKER.

Im not so sure I'm all for the tapping while in the stall.!

Thanks for posting and for the amendments, I needed a good laugh! :D

Potty and fart humor still never gets old for me.:o

These folks can be thoroughly entertaining. Consider the case of my colleague who likes to "take the Browns to the Superbowl" every day after lunch. One day, after he had spent the previous evening at an outdoor music festival with his wife, he had a rather violent "download." During the course of his business, immediately following the first volley, he matter-of-factly proclaimed "beer and hot dogs" for all in the 8-stall facility to hear.

Another time, after a deafening opening report, he calmly uttered a simple "ooooooooh."

I was thinking the same thing. Surely this tutorial predates the recent news story that gave us both pause.

I'd like to add a few:

THE THOUSAND WIPER
The name says it all, often requiring a half-roll of toilet paper to finally get rid of the "evidence." This poop is also most likely to lead to the male "not-so-fresh" feeling shortly thereafter.

A CLEAN BREAK
A poop of just the right length, girth and consistency to leave nary a trace after the very first wipe.

HOUDINI
You had the urge to go, you sat down, you felt the activity but upon further inspection don't see anything in the bowl. There is generally some luck involved, or targeting, to hit that hole perfectly since not much contact is required to divert the poop. Often A CLEAN BREAK as well.

Beer and Hot Dog $h!ts should always be followed by a COURTESY FLUSH. In fact, there should be a law requiring it.

Pause? The pause that refreshes?

This is without a doubt, the most annoying of all...that being said, I've been guilty of it on one occasion.

This dude I used to work with came in, and sat in the stall next to me. Seeing as I had the preferred location (the handicap suite), I had a sufficient angle to easily see his shoes beneath the partition as he sat down. He wore these goofy lookin' surfer shoes, so he was an easy ID.

He sat down, and opened up a magazine...then proceeded to start ripping out all those annoying perforated pre-paid mailer advertisements. When he was done, I couldn't help myself...

"Hey Buddy - if you need some TP over there, just ask."

A friend of mine called me one time and I actually heard farting noises in the background followed by him making a "strained groan" noise. I asked if he was at work and he said yes, he was taking a bathroom break and calling me while taking a crap! I said LATER! YOU'RE GROSSING ME OUT!!! PIG! :eek: Some people...:(

Thanks for the laughs, Justin.

I recall a post made by Howi (when he was MedMech) about using the restroom when on the phone with a telemarketer. I remember him holding the phone to the toilet, and cutting loose, and the telemarketer laughing...

Let us not forget
 

the "Nessie" - - the.... how to put this diplomatically....aaah forget it... gigantic turd which is so long that it goes in vertically and remains there, rearing its head above the surface, like that old grainy photo of the Loch Ness monster.

If I were President I'd call for a constitutional amendment to ban shi*ting at work. IMO people spend too much time shi*ting at work. It's completely unnecessary in most cases.

No you cannot ban this. There are times that you really gotta turtle head and you cant just drive home to do it can you? If you want to stop toilet-break abusers, you have to make a "pay-can". If you really gotta go, you will gladly pay to drop one off, but if you are just trying to put work off, then perhaps paying will make them think twice.

Ok this is the best thread of 2008!:D

Kind of a crappy thread:D

Unless you ate something bad, you can always wait until you get home, or better yet, plan ahead and do it before going to work. All it takes is some discipline and scheduling. Shi*ting at work isn't just about lost work time. It's also about having to smell foul odors every time I go to the bathroom. It gets annoying.

Suggest you check the FLSA. I think you'll find you cannot stop employees for bathroom breaks

I realize that, that's why I'd like to see it banned (as far as #2 goes) at work places unless it's a true emergency. A little discipline never hurt anyone. ;)

I never used to like pooping at work, but I have found that at my new job, there is a seldom used bathroom, and I no longer mind a little trip to drop the kids off at the pool, double down, deuce a pooper, etc... I think I could even dare to say I enjoy that little break when it occurs. I'm no out of the closet pooper though - I keep it to myself. If I bring reading material, I do it discreetly, I usually bring my PDA with WIFI and surf the internet!

Also, I don't know if it is just me, but if there is coffee at work, you can pretty much throw discipline or any kind of planning out the window. It tends to speed things along.

I $h!t you not, one of my college roommates gave birth to a Nessie/python that wouldn't go down. Our other roommate and I were washing dishes in the kitchen when he yells to us that he's having problems with the toilet and to come give him a hand. We run in and there's this abomination in the bowl, encircling the perimeter :eek: and he starts laughing his @$$ off. I'll make the disgusting story less so by just saying that he required implements to perform the flush cycle.:sick3:

I went into the pottey room to take a leak, and man, someone had left a huge load.

And for all the noise without the stink, there's always RoboDump!

http://triggur.org/robodump/

LOL. That would make good Candid Camera.

That's why the restroom in the office is for " number 1" only. Any number two going is going on in the warehouse restroom. We have a guy at work that can make you wanna vomit after he has left the crapper, so I know what you mean about foul odors.

The worst are the ones who brag about it like you should care and be impressed!

The odor peeled the wall paper off the walls!:rolleyes:

We had one guy that used to turn the town upsidedown on the weekends and the first thing Monday morning, he'd kill the men's crapper and everything within 20' of the door with the leftover odor...:eek:

I had to install a through-the-wall fan right above the crapper...any odor would linger only behind the door before getting sucked outside...:D

Then, we found that there was a female "town upsidedowner" - still waiting for the compaints to be bad enough in order to install another fan...:rolleyes:

$hity thread.................:rolleyes:

I'd sooner die than grunt out a grumpy at work...I run across the interstate to Barnes and Noble, they always have a ncie clean ****atorium

last week at work I had to crap soo bad i didn't even check if there was TP... after I was done and went to grab for it I freaked.. It was EMPTY!!!!... After considering my sock and then my apron I decided to use my cell phone to call the store then to get ahold of my fellow stock clerk to rescue me.

After he rescued me I went to customer service and complained and made the bagger that was supposed to take care of the restrooms go in there and put TP in the still smelly stall... frign lazy kid

LEAVING THE SCENE

If you made a terrible mess on the seat and there no one Get out AS FAST AS YOU CAN if there are people quickly and calmy leave dont RUSH or else other toilet users will become suspicious and investigate that "suspicious" stall.

or take pictures with their camera phone.

GUILTY!:D

Thats just wrong.