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#1
12-04-2009, 11:41 PM
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Whats your Favorite Quick Joke And or Pun
a pun is fun, So is a Joke. Whats your Favorite joke and or pun?
I'll kick it off with.. Two cannibals Were eating a clown, One turns to the other and says.. "Hey, Does this taste funny to you?"
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hum..... 1987 300TD 311,000M Stolen. Presumed destroyed 
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#2
12-05-2009, 12:15 AM
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How do you catch an Elephant? Dig a hole , spread ashes in the hole , put peas around the hole. When the Elephant comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.
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#4
12-05-2009, 01:31 AM
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Thats what she said is invariably always usable.
but other than that. you know, i really like cats, but i can never finish a whole one. (cats can be replaced with almost any animal) Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?? because then they would be Bagels. what do you call 20,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?? A good start.
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Current 2006 E320 CDI, 57K bought at 67K "Liesl" 1986 190E 2.3-16, 198K bought at 56K  "Brigitta"1987 300TD (Chuggin Along), 292K "Friedrich" 1995 E320 Wagon, 200K "Louisa" Past 1987 300SDL, (sold) 125K, bought for 1$ "Kurt"
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#5
12-05-2009, 06:30 AM
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I say this a LOT more than I probably should.
"I think the Doctor squeezed the forceps too hard when he pulled you out."
 Possible PeachParts signature line for me?  
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 1991 560 SEC AMG, 199k <---- 300 hp 10:1 ECE euro HV ... 1995 E 420, 170k "The Red Plum" (sold) 2015 BMW 535i xdrive awd Stage 1 DINAN, 6k, <----364 hp 1967 Mercury Cougar, 49k 2013 Jaguar XF, 20k <----340 hp Supercharged, All Wheel Drive  (sold)
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#6
12-05-2009, 08:06 AM
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A man owned a small farm in Arkansas . The Arkansas Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife, occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit", says the Agent. "That would be me", replied the farmer. Not a short joke, but ........http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/post/212070249/richard-z-chesnoff-morris-turns-95-richard-z#offset:8;0
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#7
12-05-2009, 08:09 AM
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"These quotes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."
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#8
12-05-2009, 08:41 AM
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I am laughing so hard I have tears after the attorney questions.
My favorite jokes involve chickens and pigs. Unfortunatly I have been totally unable to tell any of my favorite jokes in polite company for decades. Also I used to get into joke telling exchanges which could go on for hours if not minutes, but it also involved heavy drinking which I have not done for decades in public either.... or in private for that matter.
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[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual.  [SIGPIC]..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.
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#9
12-05-2009, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
 Very funny stuff there!
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You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows - Robert A. Zimmerman
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#10
12-05-2009, 09:25 AM
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The judge asked the attorney: “Council, how does your client plea?”
The Attorney said: “Like this, you’re honor: “Waaah! You charge too much!”
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Toyota is a leader only because their drivers block everyone behind them. Oh what a feeling. 
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#11
12-05-2009, 09:26 AM
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::..:. . . ::. ;-- "@#$!!*;-) .:.::.., ?
Not my favorite, but Helen Keller loved it...
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#12
12-05-2009, 09:30 AM
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Two nuns were riding bikes along an old roadway.
One says to the other: “Do you come this way often?” The 2nd one said: “Oh, it’s the cobble stones, Sister.”
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Toyota is a leader only because their drivers block everyone behind them. Oh what a feeling.
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#13
12-05-2009, 09:33 AM
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny.
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Toyota is a leader only because their drivers block everyone behind them. Oh what a feeling.
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#14
12-05-2009, 09:38 AM
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...... . 'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.' 'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.. ' So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath. 'Jose... Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis MI amigo... What ees it? 'Jose... Ees not a bacon tree... Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Eees a ham bush.
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Toyota is a leader only because their drivers block everyone behind them. Oh what a feeling.
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#15
12-05-2009, 11:23 AM
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Quote:
__________________
[SIGPIC] Diesel loving autocrossing grandpa Architect. 08 Dodge 3/4 ton with Cummins & six speed; I have had about 35 benzes. I have a 39 Studebaker Coupe Express pickup in which I have had installed a 617 turbo and a five speed manual. [SIGPIC]..I also have a 427 Cobra replica with an aluminum chassis.
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