who has more responsibility/influence on a rearing of a child? - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

fz500sel · #1 03-19-2010, 11:00 PM

I have a very close buddy who has a son from a previous relationship(the mother and father were never married). I'm married to my friends mother so the kid refers to me as GRANDPA FRANK. IMHO, my friend is a good father. He sees his kid on a regular basis (every other weekend and sometimes in between). He pays his child support diligently. and from what I have seen he does his best to teach him right from wrong, instruct him and explain things to him. When the kid needs to be disciplined, he puts his foot down. The child is a good kid whenever I have seen him. He knows that when he is over visiting Grandpa Frank that he must behave himself. I have paddled his behind when it was needed.

The problem is, I believe that his mother (the custodial parent) doesnt do a good job of raising him. I don't believe she teaches him right from wrong, doesnt discipline him and he basically does what he wants. I don't believe the kid respects his mom.

The kid also has an older brother who is 17 years old. Recently he got into some trouble with the law and is currently in juvenile detention.

The kid is only 6 years old and is already exhibiting signs of trouble with adults. He screams and yells at teachers, fights with other kids and "has trouble controlling his anger". The other day, he kicked another student in the chin and was suspended from school.

My friend had to go pick him up from his mom because since the kid was suspended, she couldnt afford to take another day off from work to stay home with him. I went along with him and when we got there, I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I went up to her and told her "if he ends up like his brother, than YOU ARE TO BLAME!" She went off on me and couldn't believe that I was blaming her for his behavior. She actually believes MY FRIEND IS RESPONSIBLE for the kids behavior because according to her "he isnt involved in the kids life".

She got so upset that she even hit me a couple times. Of course I just stood there and let her hit me. My upbringing won't let me hit a woman. I told her "the truth hurts". She cried and yelled a bunch of expletives at me. She also grabbed her son (the kid) and yelled that "we were thru" (whatever that means). I think it means that she is gonna play her immature games of using the child as a tool against the father. Not letting him see the kid, talk to the kid, etc.

I apologized to my friend and told him that it was all just building up inside me and I just hadda say something to her. He feels the same way as I do but I think he doesnt want to speak up to her for fear of her wrath.

IMO, she has always tried to manipulate and trap my friend into a relationship that he doesnt want (true, maybe he shouldnt have gotten her pregnant but that is water under the bridge). I truly believe that until recently she was still under some fantasy that they were gonna be a normal family, living together in peace and harmony.

My question to all of you is, do you believe that the custodial parent has more influence/responsiblity on the way a child turns out? I can straighten him out when he is around and so can his father but at the end of the day, he is with his mother 95% of the time.

I've told my friend to not sweat it. He is a good father. There is only so much he can do.

What do you think?

amosfella · #2 03-20-2010, 12:43 AM

Yes. The custodial parent has a much greater influence on the child than does the non custodial parent.
Kids raised by single mothers are about 4 times as likely to end up in juvie than kids raised by single fathers... He should perhaps think about taking over custody...

TylerH860 · #3 03-20-2010, 03:05 AM

I'm just trying to wrap my head around you being married to your friends mom.

This is your step son? Is his last name Stifler?

Ara T. · #4 03-20-2010, 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fz500sel

I've told my friend to not sweat it. He is a good father. There is only so much he can do.

What do you think?

You said it right there. Not much you can do but maximize and optimize man to man, male bonding, whatever youwannacallit-time.

t walgamuth · #5 03-20-2010, 06:51 AM

I was divorced from the mother of my #1 Lovely daughter when my daughter was very young. Our separation began when she was about 2. I got to see her on a regular basis, on each weekend for a day or two.

Her mom is a habitual liar who my daughter now calls a borderline sociopath who was an only adopted child who was spoiled by her folks and when we were married would at times for the thrill of it shoplift. Although she got a teaching degree and did student teaching has not ever really held a job.

After we divorced she married a man who had real money but divorced him after about fifteen years of marriage and two children. She ran off with his best friend (well at least a friend) and eventually married him. They have been married for at least ten years (astonishing to me).

My daughter was told by her mom things about me that were untrue. Portraying me as uncaring toward her and depicting me as not wanting her to come to visit when in fact I was battling her for my custodial rights every week.

I held my tongue and resisted criticising her to my daughter thinking eventually she would figure out the truth for herself.

In the mean time my daughter went to college and medical school and now is pracitcing as a pediatrician and is by all measures a successful productive citizen. In accomplishment and work ethic she clearly models me more than her mother. She does however display some of the personality traits that her mother does at least to some extent.

When my daughter was about 30 she had a conflict with her mother over money related to her inheritance from the (now deceased) step father and figured out that her mom was basically stealing money that rightflully belonged to the children.

So what goes around comes around.

It's hard to say who influences what when it comes to children. Genetics play a big part in character too.

It's pretty hard for me to judge who is right and who is wrong in the story of the OP. The father of the boy is probably not without blame in the situation, he did after all father a child out of wedlock and not marry the mother.

These situations are very very difficult for all involved, most of all the innocent children who did not choose to be born of people who were not living responsible lives.

Kuan · #6 03-20-2010, 08:50 AM

Nope, your friend should not feel guilt for trying his best. The poisonous part is blaming the mother.

But people always think they can raise other people's kids better based on hearsay or meeting them once. Don't ever presume you know what it's like in their household.

kerry · #7 03-20-2010, 09:47 AM

Anyone think there is any substantial difference between male and female children in these kinds of circumstances. In a patriarchal culture it seems much easier for a male child to ignore the role model of a mother and vice versa.

t walgamuth · #8 03-20-2010, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerry

Anyone think there is any substantial difference between male and female children in these kinds of circumstances. In a patriarchal culture it seems much easier for a male child to ignore the role model of a mother and vice versa.

Either way you can have trouble, IMHO.

It is my observation though that some cultures the mother does not seem to correct male children at all.

raymr · #9 03-20-2010, 05:26 PM

My kid was asked, Who is the most influential person in your life? His answer was: the football coach!! At first I was stunned and hurt that it wasn't me or his mom, but then I realized that most kids subconsciously or on purpose rail against their parents anyway. I know I did. And he ended up being a pretty good kid, where a few of his friends went astray.

You can't do much about that situation. But I would say, from my own experience, try to get the kid involved in organized sports as soon as possible.

t walgamuth · #10 03-20-2010, 05:43 PM

Sports are good. Cross country was the best most reliable group my kids competed with.

strelnik · #11 03-20-2010, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fz500sel

I have a very close buddy who has a son from a previous relationship(the mother and father were never married). I'm married to my friends mother so the kid refers to me as GRANDPA FRANK. IMHO, my friend is a good father. He sees his kid on a regular basis (every other weekend and sometimes in between). He pays his child support diligently. and from what I have seen he does his best to teach him right from wrong, instruct him and explain things to him. When the kid needs to be disciplined, he puts his foot down. The child is a good kid whenever I have seen him. He knows that when he is over visiting Grandpa Frank that he must behave himself. I have paddled his behind when it was needed.

The problem is, I believe that his mother (the custodial parent) doesnt do a good job of raising him. I don't believe she teaches him right from wrong, doesnt discipline him and he basically does what he wants. I don't believe the kid respects his mom.

The kid also has an older brother who is 17 years old. Recently he got into some trouble with the law and is currently in juvenile detention.

The kid is only 6 years old and is already exhibiting signs of trouble with adults. He screams and yells at teachers, fights with other kids and "has trouble controlling his anger". The other day, he kicked another student in the chin and was suspended from school.

My friend had to go pick him up from his mom because since the kid was suspended, she couldn't afford to take another day off from work to stay home with him. I went along with him and when we got there, I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I went up to her and told her "if he ends up like his brother, than YOU ARE TO BLAME!" She went off on me and couldn't believe that I was blaming her for his behavior. She actually believes MY FRIEND IS RESPONSIBLE for the kids behavior because according to her "he isn't involved in the kids life".

She got so upset that she even hit me a couple times. Of course I just stood there and let her hit me. My upbringing won't let me hit a woman. I told her "the truth hurts". She cried and yelled a bunch of expletives at me. She also grabbed her son (the kid) and yelled that "we were thru" (whatever that means). I think it means that she is gonna play her immature games of using the child as a tool against the father. Not letting him see the kid, talk to the kid, etc.

I apologized to my friend and told him that it was all just building up inside me and I just hadda say something to her. He feels the same way as I do but I think he doesn't want to speak up to her for fear of her wrath.

IMO, she has always tried to manipulate and trap my friend into a relationship that he doesn't want (true, maybe he shouldn't have gotten her pregnant but that is water under the bridge). I truly believe that until recently she was still under some fantasy that they were gonna be a normal family, living together in peace and harmony.

My question to all of you is, do you believe that the custodial parent has more influence/responsibility on the way a child turns out? I can straighten him out when he is around and so can his father but at the end of the day, he is with his mother 95% of the time.

I've told my friend to not sweat it. He is a good father. There is only so much he can do.

What do you think?

Thisis a hard situation. My son is now going on 19 and his mother divorced me when he was less than a year old. I paid a lot of support over the years as well as private school etc.

What made the difference toi a degree is me being very present and active in my son's life, from weekly visits, trips, cub scout outings, baseball, driver's ed, getting him a car, helping with school, going to teacher's meetings etc. I still am active in his life and he understands now that his mother has several serious flaws which have drastically affected his life for the worse, but now he can see that.

He holds nothing against me since it was pressure from my in-laws which caused the divorce and he knows it. Plus he inadvertently blurted out how controlling they have been, a number of years ago, kind of wondering if I was going to punish him for saying it, which I didn't.

The big thing is to spend time with the child even if you don't live there.

It's similar to a father who works on the midnight shift. But you have to spend the time. I did and I don't regret it at all!

barry123400 · #12 03-22-2010, 01:57 AM

I just happen to be a great believer in genetics and circumstance regarding children. It seems one event or serious interest can steer a young individual on many occassions. Most children that are active in many things at the same time taking them seriously or at least really involved seem to be happy and well adjusted.

They just tend on average to be busy and happy. A good warning that there will be problems down the road is if they do not seem to have any natural curiosity.

Families have value paremeters as well. If they are well established rather than enforced seems to help. The anti social behavious I see far too often amongst many young people that I deal with can result if they do not exist.

Or if you find the same negative profile in one of the parents watch out for genetics. Not all negative behaviour is learnt. In some cases on the otherhand it is just the individuals reasonable needs and expectations were never met.

There is also a responsibility of a parent to lead by actual example. If they expect reasonable performance otherwise I think they are kidding themselves. Kids will model temselves on their immediate surrounding enviroment more times than not.

I have also pretty well come to the conclusion that there had better be a pretty strong pack leader in each family. This does not mean the individual is particularily visable or flaunts their power. It just must be intuitivly known and understood by the children that they are the leader. They will not usually challenge that individual even if they are kind and considerate.

I have seen too many families where the kids are controlling too much inside the household. I want and expect them to participate. They just do not have the maturity or experience to make wise decisions for their whole families. Many parents are not even cognizant that their children do not even pay the bills.In an attempt to buy peace too many parents seem to surrender their positions of power in families as well.

A six year old semi out of control child is not unusual or a good thing in our society. That child is not aware of any pack leader and by nature usually will play off one parent against another to remain in his current state.

You cannot fool a young child. They read your unconcious body language. So if the family you grew up was not disfunctional hopefully enough of the methology rubbed off for you to function as a parent should.

aklim · #13 03-22-2010, 07:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fz500sel

My friend had to go pick him up from his mom because since the kid was suspended, she couldnt afford to take another day off from work to stay home with him.

She got so upset that she even hit me a couple times. Of course I just stood there and let her hit me. My upbringing won't let me hit a woman. I told her "the truth hurts". She cried and yelled a bunch of expletives at me. She also grabbed her son (the kid) and yelled that "we were thru" (whatever that means). I think it means that she is gonna play her immature games of using the child as a tool against the father. Not letting him see the kid, talk to the kid, etc.

I apologized to my friend and told him that it was all just building up inside me and I just hadda say something to her. He feels the same way as I do but I think he doesnt want to speak up to her for fear of her wrath.

My question to all of you is, do you believe that the custodial parent has more influence/responsiblity on the way a child turns out? I can straighten him out when he is around and so can his father but at the end of the day, he is with his mother 95% of the time.

In the first 3 paragraphs I quoted, it is perfectly clear that you two and many others have given this woman the impression that life will cater to her tirades and what not. Kinda like the bully that nobody will stand up to gets the idea he is invincible. Good thing about the bully is that somebody will be bigger and badder than he is and probably kill him. Bad news about the woman is that she takes the kid with her. If it were me, I'd have smacked her ass down. What you people have done is tell her that sort of behavior is ok.

Actually, 1 in 7 days is 14.2% so he is with her about 80-85% of the time. Either way, the message is that you will have to live with the mess. Kid won't get discipline because he sees his mother get away with screwing around and someone picks up the mess. Case in point. You are custodial parent. You go pick him up. Sorry you have no days left. Tough.

aklim · #14 03-22-2010, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amosfella

Yes. The custodial parent has a much greater influence on the child than does the non custodial parent.
Kids raised by single mothers are about 4 times as likely to end up in juvie than kids raised by single fathers... He should perhaps think about taking over custody...

Unless you can prove you are an unfit parent, it will be an uphill battle with a loss most likely. Society seems to favor the female.

tbomachines · #15 03-22-2010, 11:42 AM

I'm only 22 years old so I don't have a whole lot of parenting insight on this. I do agree 100% that the kid needs structure. Involving him in sports or some other organized structure will help immensely and might help his acting out. Maybe you can have a little "helper" when you work on your MBs...getting him involved in cars and mechanical things is fascinating to lots of little kids. Bring him to car shows, maybe the local fire dept to show him the fire trucks, etc. It sounds like hes just begging for attention in that kid sort of way (mom is working all the time?)...going to be a nightmare as a teenager if he continues on that path though.

Good luck Frank, at least it seems like you and your friend (dad) have your heads on straight so theres certainly hope.