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  #1  
Old 12-19-2010, 04:12 PM
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Going to be a tough Christmas...

It's going to be a tough one this year, our first without my Dad. You see, dad passed away on the 26th of November this year, the day after Thanksgiving.

I had just moved to Western PA from Utah the second week of November, to take a new job and to be closer to my kids in Ohio...290 miles is closer than1700, ya know? So, my dad was taken to the hospital, and was admitted to CCU, and never made it out. I went to Ohio to pick my kids up from my ex for a long Thanksgiving weekend on Thanksgiving day. After gathering my kids, I went to the hospital to visit my dad while he was in CCU, and heard from my mom just how bad he was. I was unable to get back to see hum, as they had just taken him for more tests, so I told my mom to tell him that I came by, and that I loved him very much. I wish I had been able to see him then...

My wife and I returned with my kids to PA that evening and had an uneventful evening watching TV and enjoying being around each other.

The following morning, i received a phone call from my brother telling me that dad's kidney's were shutting down, and that they were going to put him on a vent as well as a dialisys machine. Knowing that dad was refused surgery 5 times over the las 8 years for his shoulder due to not being healthy enough for a ventilator. Anyway, i asked my brother if I needed to come back. He told me to stay, and continue with my plans with the kids. We were in the process of making Thanksgiving dinner.

I called my wife, who was working on Black Friday at Costco, and let her know what was going on. She broke down in tears...you see, I've known my wife since childhood, and her dad and mine grew up together as best friends and brothers. She lost her dad last year, and really latched on to mine to help her through the pain of losing hers. Anyway, she broke down in tears and was sent home for the day.

She got home and helped us complete the dinner. We really enjoyed having the kids there, all of us in the kitchen, making a mess, but enjoying each other. We ate dinner, and retreated to the living room for our own viewing of Christmas cartoons.

About 30 minutes after eating, i got a call from my brother telling I needed to come back now. i got off the phone, and the kids and my wife packed up the left-overs into the fridge, the kids packed their bags, and my wife packed ours. Within 20 minutes of getting the call, we were on our way back to Ohio. what normally would have been a 4.5-5 hour drive was done in about 3.25 hours, non stop.

We got to the hospital and ran to CCU. I was able to get to his side just as he was taking his last breaths...we're talking about 15 seconds from my entering the room, he passed away. That was the first time in 5 years that my brothers have been together at the same time with mom and dad.

Dad passed away completely surrounded by his family, the way he wanted.

My dad was my hero, as well as a military hero. His ashes were laid to rest at the National Cemetary in Dayton, Ohio the following week, with full military honors, a color guard consisting of vets, and two of the guys he served with in Vietnam.

My dad and I weren't super close, as he only let mom in his world...he kept us boys out, to a point. I, being the middle child, was always at odds with him. We argued nearly everytime we got together. Dad and I never cleared that problem up...we were in an argument two days before he went to the hospital, and we never finished it. i always told him I loved him, but we were still in an argument when he died.

My mom and brothers told me why I was the whippin boy growing up, and why dad and I never got along...it's because I look and act like him in every way. They said that dad saw that as competition, and there was only one dad...

I've always gotten dad the same cologne each and every year...English Leather. For some reason today, I bought him a bottle of it...but he's gone, he won't be there to open the package.

Yup, this is going to be a tough Christmas this year...my first without my dad.

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  #2  
Old 12-19-2010, 04:26 PM
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It's extremely difficult, and doesn't get much easier anytime soon.

A woman asked me what I do on Christmas Day this morning - I told her same thing I do every year since my Mom died 6 years ago. Do some creative baking, cooking and homemaking, and perhaps wimper a bit since it is the hardest day of the year for me.

You are fortunate to have a family - many of don't have family to spend time with that day, or if we do - they are a thousand miles+ away or on the other side of the earth that day.

Merry Christmas!

Jesus is the reason for the season.
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  #3  
Old 12-19-2010, 05:36 PM
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You know you've got our thoughts and prayers, JP!

I've only experienced it 2nd hand with my MIL's passing 6 years ago, but I do see how it affects my wife.
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Old 12-19-2010, 05:49 PM
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Stand strong JP.
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  #5  
Old 12-19-2010, 06:50 PM
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We all have to grow up and become the new "Dad" at some time, as painful as it might be. Just be glad that you got to spend his last moments together - you did all you could.. So shed a little tear now and then, but most of all keep his legacy alive by once in a while sharing memories of him with your family and kids. It gets easier.
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  #6  
Old 12-20-2010, 06:25 AM
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I lost my dad too about four years ago. It is tough for sure.

IN reading your op I will just say this. Forgive yourself for being in a fight with him at the time of his death. The fight no doubt was about something unimportant and from your post it appears that fussing with each other was simply how you and he related to each other. There is some little corner of your mind that believes that somehow your fuss with him made him die sooner and of course that is simply irrational but that is how the mind works.

The good thing is that you care about it enough to feel badly about it. That means you had a loving (though fussy) relationship with your dad. The real tragedy is folks who do not have a loving relationship with their dads.

And set that bottle of English leather in a prominent place in your bathroom so you see it every day and smile at your dad. Then open it up and use some of it for special occasions.

I have some of my dad's clothes around and will wear some of them from time to time. It always makes me smile and think of him.

Dang it now I am all teary eyed!

Best wishes for the Holiday season.

Love him even though he is gone!
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:12 AM
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I am so sorry for you...
I I have mentioned before, I lost my Dad on 12/13/1993. Christmas has never been the same for me since. It is still fun and joyful - to an extent- but I feel something missing. I do have a lot of memories to look back on as will you - do not dwell on the arguments, just on the love.

My prayers are with you...

Joe
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  #8  
Old 12-20-2010, 08:28 AM
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It'll be a difficult one this year. I'll say a prayer for you and your father. I feel your pain-- this is the first Christmas without my father-in-law who had a stroke in October. He's still with us, but hospitalized and in a lot of pain. It's a rough one.
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  #9  
Old 12-20-2010, 07:27 PM
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JP -- I send you my best warm wishes. As Tom said, don't beat yourself up over the argument.

I can empathize with you. This will be my first Christmas without my dad as well. We lost him 12/30/2010.

I'm having real difficulty getting into the holiday spirit. I have a 10 year old and he's the only reason I can smile at this point.
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Old 12-22-2010, 03:50 PM
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Jp most important you went to see him before he left this earth. You did the best you could. And I admire you for taking a job across the country to be near your kids.
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Old 12-22-2010, 04:00 PM
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I still miss my dad, too. He's been dead for 23 years, but I miss him a lot. We weren't that close either, but as the years have gone by, I've seen that he showed me his love in many ways that I didn't understand when he was still alive. You're lucky to have your kids, though. I think our kids give us strength a lot of times once our parents are no longer there.
The older I get, the more people matter to me and the less everything else matters. Saying that almost sounds a little trite, but once you really begin to feel the truth of that, it doesn't sound trite at all.

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