21 festive uses for pepper spray! - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Jim B. · #1 12-04-2011, 10:55 PM

Like one reader said, the author ought to pepper spray himself, he made me buy a new keyboard (again!)

Mark Morford (sfgate 11/23/11) ecrit:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Citizen! Righteous shopper! Economic doldrums got you down? Black Friday making you want to choke the Walmart heirs with a lawnmower? Cheer up, friend. This is America. Even in our darkest hour, we can find solace, unity, a fresh beacon of hope.

Behold, salvation... in a can! This year, why not enjoy the one product already proven to fix everything, stop unruly complaining and change perspectives in an instant? That's right: Pepper spray. Defense Technology 56895 MK-9, to be exact. The perfect stocking stuffer! Recommended by Lt. John Pike, the 99 percent and shrewd Walmart shoppers! Excellent for use on:

1) Congress. Start easy! This is the lowest rated, most despised U.S. congress since, well, since the last one. Put them out of their self-loathing misery by adding just a little bit more to it. Best applied during judicial appointment hearings, supercommittee meltdowns and meetings where they give themselves raises while kissing the ring of Wall Street. Spray liberally! Pretty much all of Congress is one giant mucus membrane.

2) Banks. I'm not suggesting you march into BofA or Chase and douse the innocent, underpaid teller. But after discovering how the banks raked in some $13 billion in profit from secret bailout loans from the Fed, I am suggesting we start with someone a little higher up. Maybe this guy. Or these guys. Or Michael Bloomberg. Pssshhht!

3) Greece. I have no idea what's going on there, either. Something to do with excessive lending, an atrocious tax system, and overly salty souvlaki. Like Italy, Greece's recent, world-destabilizing woes make it seem like a global economy, a secret one-world currency, and the imminent total enslavement of the entire human race by our lizard overlords from the 5th dimension are bad ideas. WTF?

4) Toddlers. Oh, they think they're so cute. They think they're so important, what with claiming to be... what was it again? Right. "The future." I mean, please.

Enough of them. Look at it this way: If it wasn't for toddlers, we wouldn't have to worry about the environment, the water supply, the economy, oil, anything at all. We could run riot, pwn this meager planet and abuse it to smithereens, just like the GOP intended. Here, little ones. Try a dose of harsh reality, courtesy of the police department. Psshhht. See you in college!

5) The gays. Right? Obviously? The cause of everything that's wrong with everything everywhere? Duh.

6) Unruly teens. Nothing ruins the holidays faster than a sullen 13-year-old who won't come out of her room because Edward and Bella can't have sex and she just discovered that furiously petting a Justin Bieber poster and wearing way too much eyeliner don't make the voices stop. "Bethany, come up to dinner, now!" "No!" Pssshhht.

7) The GOP. Imagine the smiles on your kids' faces this Christmas morn when you show them a YouTube video of a screaming, crying, face-clawing Newt, Cain, Mitt, and all those who think the 99 percent are a bunch of loser hippies who need a haircut and a job -- a job they can't actually get because the one percent are heartless cretins with no sense of perspective. (Similar to spraying all of Congress, but with lots more whining about how it's all the gays' fault).

8) Hipster cyclists. Oh right, like you've never been driving along all calm and happy, when suddenly a skinny hipster whips in front of you and flips you off with one hand while toking on his American Spirit with the other, even as he chugs his Four Barrel triple latte with his giant beard before pedaling his fixie all the way to the Piercing Emporium to punch holes in your unsuspecting kids. Heathens! I pepper spray your nicely converted Schwinn and/or cool Chrome messenger bag!

9) Lululemon Athletica. Look, basing an entire clothing company on pert, go-gettim' girl bumper-stickerisms stolen from "The Secret" and Landmark Forum is cheesy enough. But splattering "Who is John Galt?" Ayn Rand mutant libertarianism on your shopping bags? You've officially jumped the shark, Lulu -- anti-camel toe, four-way gusseted crotch superfabric or no. Done with you.

10) Christmas ham. Did you know pepper spray is famously made from vegetables? Did you know it is something like 600 times stronger than jalepeño pepper? Translation: Flavor! Douse the Honeybaked with some Defense Technology 56895 MK-9, and watch as everyone gags and nearly dies from how lethally delicious your cooking has become.

11) Reindeer. Enough whining about Rudolph already. Get moving, you glorified caribou. It's been a tough year. People need a new sweater and an iPad 2 to make it all better. Get to the next rooftop. Hurry up. Or else.

12) The Honda Civic. Oh my God, people. Stop buying this car. Can you not see how boring it is? Can you not see how it saps the very soul of all that is good and right with humanity? Nothing interesting ever happened in a Civic. Just might be the single most bland piece of wimpy, underpowered sheet metal since Mitt Romney. I hereby pepper spray the Honda Civic, and then run away laughing. Don't worry, it's too slow to catch me.

13) Cokeheads. Apparently, pepper spray and cocaine are a deadly combination. Something to do with mucus membranes (hi, Congress!), amplified toxicity and, of course, Charlie Sheen. Why not help rid the world of nearly all D-list celebrities, my slacker neighbors who party till 6am multiple nights per week, and roughly 33 percent of Stanford undergrads? Psshhhht.

14) Pets. Oh my God, the yapping. The incessant mewling. Always peeing on something, demanding food, destroying your shoes. And I'm not just talking about Ann Coulter. Show your pets who's boss this holiday season. You want some catnip, Mr. Whiskerton? You want a nice Milk Bone, Buster? Get a haircut and a job, hippie puppy.

15) Muslims. That's right, I said it. Who doesn't agree with Rick "please don't Google my last name" Santorum, toxic GOP wallflower, who is also clearly a genius? Rick says: If we just profile all Muslims everywhere, it would surely prevent any terrorist attack from ever happening again. Why not spray them, too? Two birds, one stone, right Rick? Hell, might as well get the Mexicans too, while you're at it. Right, Rick? You are so awesome.

16) The NBA. Gosh, really, ungodly rich players and owners? You might just bestow upon humanity the imperiled 2012 season after all, following months of incessant bickering over the countless millions of dollars you all stand to make? Please step up to the foul line so millions of your disgusted fans may thank you for your wonderful, patronizing largesse.

17) Obama. You read that right. Man needs to get his ass in gear. Man needs to quit frittering around the goddamn Rose Garden and get serious. Man will likely get re-elected due to cavalcade of imbecile-grade, clowns-on-Oxycontin "competition" from the laughable right, so he's still got a chance to redeem himself.

Step up, Mr. President. You used to be the 99 percent, too, remember? Your savior cred is shot to hell. Your "liberal Jesus" rep is toast. But maybe you can salvage "as effective as Clinton," and/or "not as wimpy as Carter." Need some motivation? Psshhhht.

18) Michael Buble. "Oh my God I hate that guy," sigheth one of my otherwise kind and empathetic friends who also happens to have sly good taste, and therefore cannot understand why anyone with a functioning soul enjoys this vanilla crooner's saccharine, Honda Civic shtick. Indeed, Buble's schmaltz factor is so high it might take two cans of M-9 to ensure his tears aren't coming from a fake duct he had installed when he belts out Christmas carols on "Good Morning, America" and makes babies panic.

19) The weather. What? Fog? Howling wind? What is this, Alaska? I'm freezing. What the hell? I've had enough of this hippie snow! I pepper spray this fog! Go ahead, try it. Say it out loud. See? Feels good, right?

20) Yourself. What, you think you're so special? You think you're exempt? Have you seen yourself lately? You, who's reading this column right now, you who's obviously what's wrong with this country?

Clearly, you are some sort of pervert. Miscreant. After all, you actually read. Engage. Learn things. Like sex. Likely sympathize with OWS, pets, toddlers, Hondas. You might even be gay. OMG! Sit yourself down right now on the steps of City Hall and blast yourself with some Defense Technology 56895 MK-9 before you hurt somebody. There now. America is safe again.

21) Oh dear, out of room. So many other possibilities. Kim Kardashian! Pharmaceutical companies! Reality TV! Nickelback! Zucchini! The Catholic Church! Menopause! Food trucks! Steve Jobs dying! Anyone remotely connected to "The Human Centipede" movies! Kansas! This annoying pain in my shoulder! I pepper spray you all. Join me, won't you? I'm quite sure it's what Jesus would have wanted.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.

Air&Road · #2 12-07-2011, 11:12 AM

I wonder if it would work to get the attention of the crooks in Congress?

Botnst · #3 12-07-2011, 05:48 PM

Festivus Spray!