Does marriage counseling work? - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Kuan · #1 09-25-2002, 02:24 PM

No, not me. I wouldn't be asking you about it 'cause the wife reads mercedesshop. Anyway, someone close to me just had their first session with their counselor. Just wondering if it helps at all.

Kuan

G-Benz · #2 09-25-2002, 02:33 PM

The counseling itself doesn't do a thing at all (not speaking from experience of course)

.

All that does is offer some direction and guidance, and how to best address the issues that are creating the problem(s). The counselor has the benefit of not being close to the situation, and can spot the trouble spots that are often hazy to a couple deep in life issues.

But if one or neither of the parties is willing to do what is necessary to repair the marriage, the best counseling money can buy isn't going to save it...

Kuan · #3 09-25-2002, 03:05 PM

You know, talking with her the other day, she still seems unwilling to work it out. Although weird thing is they're planning to go to Seattle for her birthday. I feel like I'm close enough to dispense advice (butt in) but wife says I should let them be.

Heh... Kuan

rickg · #4 09-25-2002, 03:21 PM

Yeh, what G-benz says. I went thru a bumpy period a couple years ago, and we almost split up after 20 years. All the counseling in the world wouldn't have saved it, until I got my head out of my you know what! But the lucky thing for us, neither of us had gotten to the point of hating the other, things just weren't working any more. We talked to each other until we finally decided TOGETHER to see a counselor. After just a couple sessions, we resolved what appeared to be the problems, and we've been doing pretty well since.
I would almost have to figure that if they are still doing things and going places together, that it may not be all that bad, and they still may have at least a friendship going. That to me gives a twinkle of hope. It was for us.
Be careful about butting in too much, but a bit of carefully placed words my convince her to at least give counseling a try. At least one try. A good counselor may be able to work with whatever may be left of their relationship.
Any marriage (or any other "companionship") can be worked out, if BOTH people are willing to recognize and set aside purely selfish problems and look outside theirselves(themselves?). That is what destroys most relationships.

#5 09-25-2002, 08:36 PM

I went to marriage counselling three times and it didn't work.
I think its like Hypnotism.The subject/s must be willing.

#6 09-25-2002, 08:40 PM

Acouple of friends I used to work with went and they said just a couple of sessions worked well for them. I guess it depends on the depth of the problem.

jcyuhn · #7 09-26-2002, 10:24 AM

No personal experience, but from observation it's important that both parties attend, and be committed to, the counseling. A friend of mine has been in and out of marriage counseling for the last year or so - probably 25 sessions with the counselor. His wife attended the first two or three - basically to tell the counselor everything which required fixing on her husband. The wife never participated again.

Not surprisingly, I just recently helped him move out of the house. He loaded all his belongs into a rented truck and headed for his home town, a thousand miles from Texas. If both sides aren't willing to work together, counseling isn't going to fix anything.

#8 09-26-2002, 10:21 PM

I was in marriage counseling with my wife. We both had our own counselor and then would have a group meeting. All four of us.
Half way through the first group both counselors threw up their arms and said "you'll never work this out, just get divorced"!
So, we did......Best advice I've ever received.... So ya, it works.

sbr (single and loving it)
'79 450SL
77,000 miles
'89 asc/Mclaren Mustang#123
46,000 miles

suginami · #9 09-26-2002, 10:36 PM

My wife and I saw a counselor once in our marriage, about 5 years ago, after 7 years of marriage. I wonder if there is such a thing as a "7 year itch".

Our problems were relatively small, no adultery or abuse, but were problems that consistently came up from time to time that we quarreled over. No yelling or fighting, but a source of friction between us.

We were unable to compromise on these issues, and they drove a wedge between us that finally lead me to consider divorce - for the first time in our marriage.

She wanted us to go to counseling a few times in our marriage, but I never would go. I would say to her (stupidly), "if we're not mature enough to work out our problems between us, then we shouldn't be married".

But, since I was considering divorce, I figured this was the time to try counseling.

Well, we went for a total of maybe 5 or 6 sessions (all together) and they were incredibly helpful and saved our marriage.

Our counselor was able to present our disagreements in a perspective that we failed to perceive them by ourselves, and showed us a way to compromise.

It was so helpful that I encourage others to go to counselling.

We learned that marriages don't stay good or become good by themselves. Marriages require work, attention, and nurturing.

Marriages, like any relationship, are negotiated, and compromises are made all the time. You do this for the greater good of the marriage.

G-Benz · #10 09-27-2002, 12:16 PM

As Mercedes lovers, those of us who are married should be able to understand the analogy of a marriage being akin to owning a new Mercedes.

When the marriage is new, it's euphoria...getting to know your mates characteristics, that "new car" smell, no problems at first, at least nothing that can't be solved, because of the newness of the marriage (after all, we're so much in love).

As the years pass, the marriage is ripening and aging. Like a car, the break-in period is over, and the car acclimates to your driving style. Things begin to wear down and require replacement.

In a marriage, life issues add a bit of stress to the marriage, and things break down (like tires, brakes, and small components on your once-new Mercedes). As the years pass, if you lose sight of why you got married to your mate in the first place, you begin to look at the situation the way you contemplate keeping a car or trading it in for a "new" model.

If you decide to hold the course, then more life issues keep adding more stress to the marriage. Just like head gasket issues, timing chain, etc. Biggger life problems erupt. Finances, kids, health issues, all work to strain the marriage. Your used Mercedes doesn't have that "luster" you remember when it was new, and now, it seems to require way more upkeep that it did when new.

You know what? So does your marriage. So you do things to add spark to your marriage...go on a trip, a cruise, a second honeymoon, a weekend getaway...you take your used Mercedes and find that twisty country road, and then remember what it was you loved about that car. So you feel better about it when you get back home.

Get the picture? Marriage requires the kind of effort that you have no problem maintaining when it comes to your Mercedes. And just like your car, when it comes to the "golden years", you may not be able to take your "love" through the paces like you did when your love was new, but you still love her the way you did when she sparkled on the showroom floor!

Keep that analogy in mind, and you will have a good grasp of what it takes to keep a marriage strong!

Jay · #11 09-27-2002, 12:59 PM

Here is my story. About 25 years ago , my Pastor called me and ask me to come down to his office. I went and he told me that my wife was going to leave me, that I didn't listen to her when she told me that I was involved in to many things. He counseled me to spend more time with her and the kids. Took his counsel and we are still together after 34 years. That's all I know about counseling.

Botnst · #12 06-30-2006, 01:49 PM

A Father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches it in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied. "Divorce Attorney."

GermanStar · #13 06-30-2006, 01:55 PM

The reanimator strikes again.

Dee8go · #14 06-30-2006, 01:59 PM

That's great, Bot. A new version of the Heimlich maneuver.

BENZ-LGB · #15 06-30-2006, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kuan

No, not me. I wouldn't be asking you about it 'cause the wife reads mercedesshop. Anyway, someone close to me just had their first session with their counselor. Just wondering if it helps at all.

Kuan

Yeah, sure...not you.

But seriously. Counseling works only if both parties are committed to making the relaitonship work.

Otherwise it does not work.